It happens. That claustrophobia you can feel coming on. A group of them stand there, boring you. Believe me, boring is the worst thing to be, besides manually jerking off horses. That’s also no fun. But occasionally you’ll be in a situation where you’ll need to find an out, to escape, to break free of their grasp. Actually, I tend to be pretty good and polite about this, since a lot of my friends talk endlessly.
How do you escape this? Well, there are a few ways to escaping a situation, whether good, bad, boring, about to ‘get real’, etc. There’s so many of them, you need to know what they are. Some of these are ones that come from my experiences, like getting mugged or being forced to make painful small talk to someone in a bad mood.
Below are some excuses or ways to avoid this sort of unpleasant interaction. Remember that interaction usually starts out positive most of the time, so if you leave on a good note or before the heaviness starts, you’re in good shape. Note you can change some of these approaches if you want to, I’ve just noticed that they work for me.
1. If you’re nearly alone in a subway car, move to another subway car or get off at the next stop. This is probably the most painful and serious one. What happened to me was I sat in a subway car on my way somewhere. A group of young kids (like early high school age) sat across from me. Eventually they gathered around me and punched me in the head for about 10 minutes. After I got out, I was bleeding badly from my head and considerably poorer from the experience. Please be aware of who’s around you and what sort of vibes you’re getting from them. If you get a bad feeling, go with the bad feeling and get out of there.
2. In case you need to buy yourself a few moments of complete startled looks, I just go with the following phrase “Mechanically Separated Chicken”. This is the main ingredient to Slim Jims and throws people off every time. Giving you a few moments of clarity allows you to then state how you’re needed elsewhere or gives you the ability to change the topic. I did this at work to get someone out of a boring work conversation. It also brings enough laughs with the right delivery, so you don’t seem jerk-like. Or you could leave on this note, whenever I leave people; I try to think up a bizarre phrase if I’m feeling creative.
3. Explain that public transportation is about to shut down – This one works only if you’re in a place with public transportation. I’m making the (big) assumption most of my readers live in cities or city-like areas. Maybe it isn’t so big an assumption; the world is only getting increasingly urbanized. But basically if someone’s being a real drag, and there’s no way you can think of cheering them up, a good way might be to leave them with a sound piece of advice (I told my sad friend he should consider himself lucky that he had three separate birthday celebrations in one friend) and leave.
4. Bring up a politically divisive figure but don’t take a stand on it – Perhaps a bit more complicated than the other ones. What you do here is bring up someone that even the most insulated mind has heard of, usually Sarah Palin or Julian Assange are the best ones to introduce. It will be inevitable that differing opinions will exist between different members of the group, and they’ll want to argue it out. Since you want to leave, you can leave as the two (or more) of them are hashing out the details and various political ideologies they want to use.
5. Go to the bathroom, never come back – This is such a trashy one. I can’t even believe how cliched this has become but it works. So long as it doesn’t end up like “The Godfather” the others won’t give too much mind. However, try to avoid such a predictable one. It isn’t particularly classy or creative. I include it because it must be said, but really try to think harder about escaping your situation.
6. Pretend you’re trying to hit on someone – Oddly, this one isn’t used as often. I don’t know why, it seems fairly legitimate. To continue with the illusion, actually go up to that person and explain your situation. Even someone who doesn’t know you would be moved by your story. Usually they are willing to at least walk with you outside to give the impression you failed.
7. Bring up something related to Grad School – Anything Grad School related gets blank stares. I mean literally anything. You can leave on this with people nodding their heads politely but dumbly. Most people don’t care about your Grad School experience, they know it is hard, but that’s about it. Note: this doesn’t work in a group filled with current Grad School students and will continue to keep you there. Use in almost any other situation.
8. What’s going on with your love life? – Ask this question. Don’t bring up what’s going on in yours. The answer emerging from this will either be so introspective or awkward that you can easily leave without a hitch. Most likely they might need some alone time after getting this. Of course, the reverse bragging might be true, in that case the other group members can listen to it as you make your escape.
9. I have a concert to go to – Due to the way I look, I can get away with this excuse. Look at yourself in the mirror; do you look like you just woke up? Do you own a comb, and, if so, do you actually use it? If you look like a bedhead mess, you can use this excuse. Nobody argues with music.
Of course, these aren’t your only choices. Use your imagination as well. Rather, use these if all else has failed. If anyone ever has success with that “Mechanically Separated Chicken” please let me know.