Movie Review: Hall Pass

               From the directors who brought you the intellectually stimulating: “There’s something about Mary” and “Dumb and Dumber” comes a movie which changes all the rules. A movie which challenges the status quo, after which nothing will ever be the same. Coming in after the protests rocking the Middle East, its message couldn’t be timelier.

                Rick (Owen Wilson) and Fred (Jason Sudeikis) work innocuous jobs as accountants. Seemingly content in their number crunching, they start doing the books for a major military contractor. Unsettled by some of the information contained in the provided material, they worry about the implications of this material. They wonder whether or not someone can uncover the vast network of corruption and lies that permeate internationally, allowing for brutal regimes to continually oppress their people.

                Neither can see why this would be done. Both of them begin to act distraught. Worried about how their husbands are acting, they question their husbands about what’s going on. Realizing the gravity of their situation, they state they need to cheat on them since they are having a mid-life crisis. Their wives, wanting to revitalize their marriages, decide to grant them a leave of absence, allowing them to do whatever they want, no questions asked.

                Where they go is Iceland. In the wilderness, they meet Julian Assange (played by David Duchovny) in an abandoned school bus owned by Ms. Frizzle, Julian’s current lover. Julian explains how they have stumbled upon the main reason for the current political unrest, both in the United States and overseas. As he continues talking, he explains how certain individuals are given “Hall Passes” which allow them to act with complete impunity. 

                Realizing what they’ve gotten themselves into, Rick and Fred start helping Julian comb through the vast amounts of information in the abandoned school bus. Suddenly one of the sentries stationed mile away radios in: an elite American military force is approaching their location. Working with haste, Julian sends it to his overseas comrades before they start running through the frozen wasteland. He curses the fact that the bus is no longer magical, otherwise they could escape into the universe or someone’s digestive tract. Fred and Rick question the sanity of their accomplice as they trudge through the barren emptiness. 

                But they can’t outrun military helicopters. All are captured by the head of the dark ops force Sarah Defoe (played by Rosie O’Donnell). Sarah explains to them the utmost importance of those documents. Julian screams with anger how all citizens of the world should get hall passes, and how he was onto the sick and perverse way the United States conducted business overseas. 

                Upon arrival into a dingy, dust-laden large complex, they worry about what’s about to happen. It is implied their interrogators used to work as PBS station affiliates. Seeing plush teddy bears of “Barney & Friends” adorning the walls, they freak out. Something fucked up and awful is about to happen.

                 A person wearing a “Baby Bop” costume approaches Rick and Fred. Rick mutters to Fred how he wishes he was cheating on his wife right now. Baby Bop produces a small electrical razor, and Rick and Fred are de-robed and shaven in their nether regions. Stuffed animals are shot at them through air cannons, all of the amusement of unseen spectators. Finally Fred collapses after one too many teddy bears hits him in the head. Rick gets drugged after drinking a Four Loko given to him by an interrogator, or it could’ve been the natural reaction to drinking a Four Loko. 

                Waking up together in a helicopter over the Potomac, they are confused. Sarah explains how their boss knew this would happen. Both of them had tracking devices hidden in their pubic hair which allowed the US government to track down Julian’s moves. Rick looks at Fred in disbelief. They are warned never to reveal this to anyone; otherwise they’ll experience a fate far worse then what they had just encountered. 

                Looking through their phones, they realize they have one day left of fooling around before their wives expect them back. Arriving early to their homes, they make up some malarkey about how they missed them. The wives appear to believe them, and they are happy to see them again. When each of their husbands goes to bed, the wives report to Sarah and state neither husband seems willing to challenge authority ever again.

                 This is easily one of the best comedies of the year, while still managing to touch upon the current geopolitical situation. In particular, David Duchovny’s performance as Julian Assange is simply amazing, as he captures all of that individual’s ticks and mannerisms. “Hall Pass” is truly a masterful, thought-provoking movie.

Making Escapes: A Guide to

                It happens. That claustrophobia you can feel coming on. A group of them stand there, boring you. Believe me, boring is the worst thing to be, besides manually jerking off horses. That’s also no fun. But occasionally you’ll be in a situation where you’ll need to find an out, to escape, to break free of their grasp. Actually, I tend to be pretty good and polite about this, since a lot of my friends talk endlessly. 

                How do you escape this? Well, there are a few ways to escaping a situation, whether good, bad, boring, about to ‘get real’, etc. There’s so many of them, you need to know what they are. Some of these are ones that come from my experiences, like getting mugged or being forced to make painful small talk to someone in a bad mood. 

                Below are some excuses or ways to avoid this sort of unpleasant interaction. Remember that interaction usually starts out positive most of the time, so if you leave on a good note or before the heaviness starts, you’re in good shape. Note you can change some of these approaches if you want to, I’ve just noticed that they work for me.

1.       If you’re nearly alone in a subway car, move to another subway car or get off at the next stop. This is probably the most painful and serious one. What happened to me was I sat in a subway car on my way somewhere. A group of young kids (like early high school age) sat across from me. Eventually they gathered around me and punched me in the head for about 10 minutes. After I got out, I was bleeding badly from my head and considerably poorer from the experience. Please be aware of who’s around you and what sort of vibes you’re getting from them. If you get a bad feeling, go with the bad feeling and get out of there. 

2.       In case you need to buy yourself a few moments of complete startled looks, I just go with the following phrase “Mechanically Separated Chicken”. This is the main ingredient to Slim Jims and throws people off every time. Giving you a few moments of clarity allows you to then state how you’re needed elsewhere or gives you the ability to change the topic. I did this at work to get someone out of a boring work conversation. It also brings enough laughs with the right delivery, so you don’t seem jerk-like. Or you could leave on this note, whenever I leave people; I try to think up a bizarre phrase if I’m feeling creative. 

3.       Explain that public transportation is about to shut down – This one works only if you’re in a place with public transportation. I’m making the (big) assumption most of my readers live in cities or city-like areas. Maybe it isn’t so big an assumption; the world is only getting increasingly urbanized. But basically if someone’s being a real drag, and there’s no way you can think of cheering them up, a good way might be to leave them with a sound piece of advice (I told my sad friend he should consider himself lucky that he had three separate birthday celebrations in one friend) and leave. 

4.       Bring up a politically divisive figure but don’t take a stand on it – Perhaps a bit more complicated than the other ones. What you do here is bring up someone that even the most insulated mind has heard of, usually Sarah Palin or Julian Assange are the best ones to introduce. It will be inevitable that differing opinions will exist between different members of the group, and they’ll want to argue it out. Since you want to leave, you can leave as the two (or more) of them are hashing out the details and various political ideologies they want to use.

5.       Go to the bathroom, never come back – This is such a trashy one. I can’t even believe how cliched this has become but it works. So long as it doesn’t end up like “The Godfather” the others won’t give too much mind. However, try to avoid such a predictable one. It isn’t particularly classy or creative. I include it because it must be said, but really try to think harder about escaping your situation. 

6.       Pretend you’re trying to hit on someone – Oddly, this one isn’t used as often. I don’t know why, it seems fairly legitimate. To continue with the illusion, actually go up to that person and explain your situation. Even someone who doesn’t know you would be moved by your story. Usually they are willing to at least walk with you outside to give the impression you failed. 

7.       Bring up something related to Grad School – Anything Grad School related gets blank stares. I mean literally anything. You can leave on this with people nodding their heads politely but dumbly. Most people don’t care about your Grad School experience, they know it is hard, but that’s about it. Note: this doesn’t work in a group filled with current Grad School students and will continue to keep you there. Use in almost any other situation. 

8.       What’s going on with your love life? – Ask this question. Don’t bring up what’s going on in yours. The answer emerging from this will either be so introspective or awkward that you can easily leave without a hitch. Most likely they might need some alone time after getting this. Of course, the reverse bragging might be true, in that case the other group members can listen to it as you make your escape.

9.       I have a concert to go to – Due to the way I look, I can get away with this excuse. Look at yourself in the mirror; do you look like you just woke up? Do you own a comb, and, if so, do you actually use it? If you look like a bedhead mess, you can use this excuse. Nobody argues with music.

Of course, these aren’t your only choices. Use your imagination as well. Rather, use these if all else has failed. If anyone ever has success with that “Mechanically Separated Chicken” please let me know. 

The Leak Culture

                      Of all aspects of the music blog world, nothing is more obsessive and dedicated than the leak-o-sphere. Usually I’m all for music obsessiveness, but this is probably the logical conclusion of so much lusting after the hippest thing. What happens as a result of this lifestyle is you know about every release before anyone. You gain a few perks as a result of this, for one you become elevated into a position of ultra-coolness. Suddenly people can feel your aurora of musical relevance. Friends begin asking you what you’ve been listening to, but there are downsides as well.

                A result of following this entire buzz is you become excommunicated from people with normal, healthy (mainstream) tastes in music. Lady Gaga, who the fuck is that person? I don’t have time for her; I just got the leak of Black Dice’s next album. Even bigger is the amount of time you spend hounding various bit torrent sites, in an attempt to remain more relevant than other people on the internet you’re probably never going to meet. Think of it as a pissing contest but without the wholesome ingredient of piss and you’re halfway there. 

                I speak from experience. For a while, I ended up constantly chasing the dragon. Yes, the obsession with music gets really bad for this particular approach to music. Usually there needs to be some form of detox for those who fall into this lifestyle. All the coolness of bestowing the gift of new, unreleased music on the unsuspecting internet people becomes addictive. 

You don’t know where to stop, people on the internet tend to be bad at giving others constructive criticism. Usually you’re just told to continue doing it. Unaware of this obsession, you forget shaving; try to do music research wherever you can, during a party using someone else’s computer, on your phone as you commute to work on the train, wherever. Pitchfork is lame; it becomes time to dive into seriously bleeding edge music forums; the kind of music forums where the members have a room dedicated to music in real life. But it doesn’t stop there.  Finally you reach the end of your addiction, where you’re manually splicing together little samples of the actual album from Amazon.com. And an even worse end is what follows: disguising yourself as a lowly janitor, you pretend to be just cleaning out the recording studio at a pivotal time. With a recording device hidden in your thick-framed glasses, you have your recordings saved, cut-up and edited on your computer. 

These scenarios are scary. But you can back away from this before you start hiding underneath desks waiting for the next big thing to drop. You can prioritize. Understand you’re not the only one waiting for this album; there are countless numbers of other people who can do your dirty work. Keep in mind you don’t need to be on the vanguard, being on the edge can become unnecessarily stressful. Care about those artist you think deserve your care. As tempting as it may be to discover a band before they release an album, remember how much time and energy you’re expending for this task. Might it perhaps be more important to interact in real life rather than constantly trying to find new leaks?

So, as someone who has been there, done that, sent leaks via Gmail, via AIM to various friends and comrades, I wish you’d step away from that edge my friend. Think of what are the most important artists to you. Wind down from there. You don’t need to be the guy who gets everything before anyone. There’s no reason why record store guy can’t just up his game onto the internet.

Relax. Breathe. It is going to be ok. Artists will continue releasing stuff. You don’t need to be the first one. Enjoy life. Don’t let the leak-o-sphere suck you in. I mean, hell, do you really want to end up like Julian Assange? You probably don’t. Simply remember Animal Collective’s universal appeal to reason: 

I don't mean to seem like I

Care about material things,

Like a social status,

I just want

Four walls and adobe slabs

For my girls

Tunisia, Egypt…

            No doubt you’ve seen the footage from Tunisia and Egypt. Tunisians toppled their government; their government folded like a house of cards. Egypt has more experience and employs experts for exactly this sort of situation; they’ve encountered such situations before. Whether or not Mubarak changes things for real remains to be seen, all he’s promised is to name a new government. I’m not sure if that will change anything for the better for the Egyptian people, most likely it will be some ‘bare minimum’ requirement he’ll be implementing to stave off serious reform and keep his position. Or maybe Mubarak might actually concede defeat and try to avoid the ‘running scared’ exit of Ben Ali. 

                What I’m waiting for is for Julian Assange to hire Carol King to play for the White House, I’m assuming this is why he’s writing a book to raise money. After she arrives, she’ll sing to the US government:

                “You’re so vain/You probably think this song is about you”

                For all the ‘secrets’ Wikileaks released, most of the ones involving the US ended up being a bit weak. Oh, the war in Iraq didn’t go so well, I couldn’t tell that from us having lost a couple pallets’ (four feet squared shipping boxes) worth of $100 bills. Yeah, and we say bad things about some of the people we deal with. Who would’ve guessed we would call North Korea’s leader ‘erratic’. Hell, when Kim Jong Il saw “Team America” he stated he would have liked the movie more if his puppet had its own sex scene. So he’s a total freak.

                The juicy tidbits didn’t come from America. Conspiracy theorists think that there’s a great deal of stuff going on in the shadows in the US government. By this point, leaks have become so frequent from the White House itself, just due to the sheer amount of people working there that we tend to know most of the nasty stuff fairly quickly. Nearly a million people have ‘Top Secret’ clearance or higher, when that many people know, it’s not really a secret anymore.

                Rather, most of the fascinating material came from countries that really excel at suppressing information. Levels of corruption we can barely fathom grew into virtual state institutions in Tunisia. Wikileaks provided the exact details of this in near-painful detail. Though those leaks came out a few months ago, the sheer quantity of details makes it impossible for it to be immediately consumed. Helping their cause was the military ultimately backing the protesters in Tunisia.

                I’m not sure if the same thing can happen in Egypt since the protests there take inspiration from Tunisia’s success. Mubarak came from the military, and bestowed gifts upon them. Unlike Tunisia, Egypt worries more heavily about the groups it has kept out of the government, like the Muslim Brotherhood. So while we had no problem with Tunisia, a relatively secular nation of negligible diplomatic clout or strategic importance, Egypt offers a great deal more in terms of sheer population and location. Location alone, it has the potential to create serious issues with the large amount of goods that go through the Suez Canal.  

                Besides having the uncanny ability of convincing the US to bankroll it of about $1.5 billion a year, the Egyptian government has done an excellent job of playing up US fears about extremism. Remember the Cold War when any half-assed dictator could claim his enemies were Communists? Then presto, they received instant funding to go after their enemies. Perhaps the Muslim Brotherhood offers a greater threat, maybe even a legitimate one to the stability in the region. Most information about the riots implies the Muslim Brotherhood arrived late at the riots and hasn’t effectively capitalized on the distaste for the government. So Egypt’s been doing a wonderful job at claiming it is holding extremists at bay, but without any independent verification, it is hard to tell how much of a threat they might pose if any. Right now it looks like if the government falls, it may end up in a similar situation as Tunisia, with the military (revered as the most powerful and respected secular institution) rules in interim until elections can be held. 

                Jordan and Yemen face similar large scale actions. However, they are not on the same scale as Egypt, which went as far as to shut off all internet access, nearly unprecedented in protests (happened before in Myanmar). Sadly, this seems to be the thing people outside Egypt have gotten the most upset about, instead of the widespread abuses in terms of physical violence and repression of groups considered dangerous to the regime which has gone on for decades. Besides, this shutoff of the internet is far more benign than the tactics used by security forces elsewhere, such as Iran or Belarus. In those countries, security forces use the internet as a way of tracking dissidents. So the internet really does work both ways, by freeing up information it allows protesters to organize just as easily as the defense forces.

                Right now (and I keep on revising this article) Mohamed ElBaradei seems to be the one who will fill in the void. Everyone agrees that ElBaradei would work on the level of enjoying international support (he was a Nobel laureate and former diplomat, so he has solid credentials). Apparently the Muslim Brotherhood even appreciates his even-handed approach, stating due to the West’s take on Islam, they’d prefer a non-partisan member lead the transitional government. Perhaps these protests will lead to a more democratic country, it is very possible. All that I know is for a country in its location with its population; it has been punching below its weight for far too many years. That’s what makes the protests so interesting: the young are now aware of exactly how repressed they are and have seen how others live, while their parents are old enough to remember an Egypt more assertive culturally, politically and economically. So their chances of seeing the protests bear fruit is greater than those in Iran, due to this broad support and the thankful ineptitude of the security forces in using communication technology effectively (shutting stuff off isn’t exactly smart).

                The information available has made much of this possible. While plenty do detest Al Jazeera for its obvious anti-US/anti-Israel bias, it does offer the best source of information for its viewers. Having a level of journalistic independence (it is self-funded) allows to report accurately on these protests in Egypt, in Jordan and in Yemen. Most state-sponsored broadcast would not be given this amount of leeway, for fear they might be next. So Al Jazeera does actual journalism, and their attention to these protests only makes more realize exactly what in their own environment demands improvement. The sad fact that guards of state buildings in multiple Arab nations have fire extinguishers to prevent another Mohamed Bouazizi (self-immolation) rather than consider reforms shows how absolutely how out of touch the leaders are with their people. It also shows something which would have been kept quiet locally now has global impact. Organizations exist too which help amplify this sort of information, organizations beyond what could be offered by news organizations, like Wikileaks.

                Wikileaks is an international collaboration. Certainly there’s no love between them versus the United States (Collateral Murder being a prime example) but it is intended to release information in order to make governments more transparent. The most it did to us was embarrass us a bit along with most Western nations. Berlusconi (allegedly perverted Prime Minister of Italy) claims it was “the 9/11 of diplomacy” but nothing could be further from the truth. What it did was apply pressure to ossified regimes, who stay in power under the auspices of “hey, you wouldn’t like who’d come in next. We’re the secular savior for you.” Sure, there is validity to this in varying degrees and depending on the country, but in general the worry is overblown. Institutions outside of religion do exist and possess enough clout, respect, and infrastructure needed to make a transition from autocracy to democracy if they choose to do so. 

                  Overall then, the US is a surprisingly minor figure in all that’s going on. With a minuscule budget and a strange Australian (who, according to the New York Times, smells bad) Wikileaks has managed to have a greater impact than any amount of backroom coaxing and money might have hoped to achieve. Even regular journalism usually reports after an event, avoiding outright provocation. Sure, Wikileaks method is far from elegant and often a blunt instrument (if at times reckless), but as we continue to see protests against such repressive regimes multiply, we might begin to realize what the real ‘information revolution’ is.