Russia’s Worst Spy: Larry the Cable Guy

Russia proves to be that reliable, “Aw shucks you’re still spying on me” kind of enemy. As much as you want to be angry at them for doing it, they do it in such an adorable way. Take Anna Chapman for example. Yeah, she didn’t really get any actual secrets, but she was a hot Russian redhead with leaked nudes. Last time I remember getting naked spy pictures was with the infamous Hipster Grifter (she worked for North Korea). As icing on the cake, Anna’s fellow spies were described in detail as being “sort of lazy”. What a great enemy to have.

None of these spies possessed the incompetence shown by one tireless trooper, whose nudes I hope never leak. Single-handedly, he has done less to harm the United States than overpriced free trade coffee and tariffs on antique Soviet cameras. Yes, I’m speaking of Vlad Badenoff, a skilled cryptographer from the former Soviet Republic of Belarus or, as you might know him, Larry the Cable Guy.

Vlad was born in Belarus to a lower level political functionary. Almost immediately his teacher noticed his penchant for torturing flies by ripping their wings off and for sending mysterious codes to his other classmates. Being placed into an accelerated track, he shocked others with his easy grasp of cryptography. However, ominously, people complained of his tendency to tell off color and inappropriate jokes.

Working in the Soviet Union in the 80s, he tried to help the war effort in Afghanistan. Noticing a large defection rate from his unit, Soviet officials investigated. They learned people in his unit grew offended when he asked them “Have you ever farted so hard that you cracked your back?” In the USSR, telling fart jokes was a crime punishable by death. Fearing losing one of the greatest minds in the field, they transferred him over to East Berlin, where he helped torture political prisoners with his comedy routine. 

After the fall of the Berlin Wall, Soviet officials racked their brains thinking of what potential use the irritating cryptographer could provide. On one hand, they sort of wanted to eliminate him. But they knew their time was tenuous, and that any move towards harming him might result in a destabilization of their power. Instead they sent him out to the US to ineffectively spy on the US.

While in the US, he shared such damning information like “There’s a bunch of rednecks here” and “Nebraska is boring”. Being set up in a secret Russian village in rural Nebraska, he began to gain a cult following with his awful attempts at humor. The nonsense spewing from his mouth got considered ‘funny’ by those living in the Deep South. After visiting that area, he found a place he could fit in.

Upon watching the Russian economy tank in 98-99, the Russians set him on a course to ruin American cinema. Doing this they felt it could make Russian-produced movies appear better in comparison. Despite Vlad’s lack of skill and general awfulness, he couldn’t make Russian comedies about Heroin-Addicted pregnant teenage prostitutes appealing beyond the general Sundance Film Festival set.

His uncovering by intelligence agencies occurred during his Roast on Comedy Central. Upon hearing his actual voice, the FBI wanted to storm the stage. Worrying about Gary Busey’s mental stability and possible possession of nuclear weapons, they held off. They tried after the show, but found Larry’s connections to the Blue Collar Comedy Tour were far too strong. Russia remained adamant that they wanted him under no circumstances whatsoever, or else they’d release nude photos of Larry.

Fearful at the havoc this would cause on the internet, creating a Meme even greater than Insane Clown Posse’s “Fuckin’ Magnets, How Do They Work” the US government held off until they found a suitable option. Republican congressman supported Larry remaining in the country, (rightly) claiming that he was useless as a spy. Upon negotiating the many compromises of extending the Bush tax cuts, one of the conditions was that Larry remains in the US to continue what is popularly referred to as a ‘career’. 

Normally I’d be worried at the prospect of revealing such secrets, but since Larry is illiterate in English, I’m not concerned. Hopefully this will exemplify how concerned we should be about the former Red menace.

Tunisia, Egypt…

            No doubt you’ve seen the footage from Tunisia and Egypt. Tunisians toppled their government; their government folded like a house of cards. Egypt has more experience and employs experts for exactly this sort of situation; they’ve encountered such situations before. Whether or not Mubarak changes things for real remains to be seen, all he’s promised is to name a new government. I’m not sure if that will change anything for the better for the Egyptian people, most likely it will be some ‘bare minimum’ requirement he’ll be implementing to stave off serious reform and keep his position. Or maybe Mubarak might actually concede defeat and try to avoid the ‘running scared’ exit of Ben Ali. 

                What I’m waiting for is for Julian Assange to hire Carol King to play for the White House, I’m assuming this is why he’s writing a book to raise money. After she arrives, she’ll sing to the US government:

                “You’re so vain/You probably think this song is about you”

                For all the ‘secrets’ Wikileaks released, most of the ones involving the US ended up being a bit weak. Oh, the war in Iraq didn’t go so well, I couldn’t tell that from us having lost a couple pallets’ (four feet squared shipping boxes) worth of $100 bills. Yeah, and we say bad things about some of the people we deal with. Who would’ve guessed we would call North Korea’s leader ‘erratic’. Hell, when Kim Jong Il saw “Team America” he stated he would have liked the movie more if his puppet had its own sex scene. So he’s a total freak.

                The juicy tidbits didn’t come from America. Conspiracy theorists think that there’s a great deal of stuff going on in the shadows in the US government. By this point, leaks have become so frequent from the White House itself, just due to the sheer amount of people working there that we tend to know most of the nasty stuff fairly quickly. Nearly a million people have ‘Top Secret’ clearance or higher, when that many people know, it’s not really a secret anymore.

                Rather, most of the fascinating material came from countries that really excel at suppressing information. Levels of corruption we can barely fathom grew into virtual state institutions in Tunisia. Wikileaks provided the exact details of this in near-painful detail. Though those leaks came out a few months ago, the sheer quantity of details makes it impossible for it to be immediately consumed. Helping their cause was the military ultimately backing the protesters in Tunisia.

                I’m not sure if the same thing can happen in Egypt since the protests there take inspiration from Tunisia’s success. Mubarak came from the military, and bestowed gifts upon them. Unlike Tunisia, Egypt worries more heavily about the groups it has kept out of the government, like the Muslim Brotherhood. So while we had no problem with Tunisia, a relatively secular nation of negligible diplomatic clout or strategic importance, Egypt offers a great deal more in terms of sheer population and location. Location alone, it has the potential to create serious issues with the large amount of goods that go through the Suez Canal.  

                Besides having the uncanny ability of convincing the US to bankroll it of about $1.5 billion a year, the Egyptian government has done an excellent job of playing up US fears about extremism. Remember the Cold War when any half-assed dictator could claim his enemies were Communists? Then presto, they received instant funding to go after their enemies. Perhaps the Muslim Brotherhood offers a greater threat, maybe even a legitimate one to the stability in the region. Most information about the riots implies the Muslim Brotherhood arrived late at the riots and hasn’t effectively capitalized on the distaste for the government. So Egypt’s been doing a wonderful job at claiming it is holding extremists at bay, but without any independent verification, it is hard to tell how much of a threat they might pose if any. Right now it looks like if the government falls, it may end up in a similar situation as Tunisia, with the military (revered as the most powerful and respected secular institution) rules in interim until elections can be held. 

                Jordan and Yemen face similar large scale actions. However, they are not on the same scale as Egypt, which went as far as to shut off all internet access, nearly unprecedented in protests (happened before in Myanmar). Sadly, this seems to be the thing people outside Egypt have gotten the most upset about, instead of the widespread abuses in terms of physical violence and repression of groups considered dangerous to the regime which has gone on for decades. Besides, this shutoff of the internet is far more benign than the tactics used by security forces elsewhere, such as Iran or Belarus. In those countries, security forces use the internet as a way of tracking dissidents. So the internet really does work both ways, by freeing up information it allows protesters to organize just as easily as the defense forces.

                Right now (and I keep on revising this article) Mohamed ElBaradei seems to be the one who will fill in the void. Everyone agrees that ElBaradei would work on the level of enjoying international support (he was a Nobel laureate and former diplomat, so he has solid credentials). Apparently the Muslim Brotherhood even appreciates his even-handed approach, stating due to the West’s take on Islam, they’d prefer a non-partisan member lead the transitional government. Perhaps these protests will lead to a more democratic country, it is very possible. All that I know is for a country in its location with its population; it has been punching below its weight for far too many years. That’s what makes the protests so interesting: the young are now aware of exactly how repressed they are and have seen how others live, while their parents are old enough to remember an Egypt more assertive culturally, politically and economically. So their chances of seeing the protests bear fruit is greater than those in Iran, due to this broad support and the thankful ineptitude of the security forces in using communication technology effectively (shutting stuff off isn’t exactly smart).

                The information available has made much of this possible. While plenty do detest Al Jazeera for its obvious anti-US/anti-Israel bias, it does offer the best source of information for its viewers. Having a level of journalistic independence (it is self-funded) allows to report accurately on these protests in Egypt, in Jordan and in Yemen. Most state-sponsored broadcast would not be given this amount of leeway, for fear they might be next. So Al Jazeera does actual journalism, and their attention to these protests only makes more realize exactly what in their own environment demands improvement. The sad fact that guards of state buildings in multiple Arab nations have fire extinguishers to prevent another Mohamed Bouazizi (self-immolation) rather than consider reforms shows how absolutely how out of touch the leaders are with their people. It also shows something which would have been kept quiet locally now has global impact. Organizations exist too which help amplify this sort of information, organizations beyond what could be offered by news organizations, like Wikileaks.

                Wikileaks is an international collaboration. Certainly there’s no love between them versus the United States (Collateral Murder being a prime example) but it is intended to release information in order to make governments more transparent. The most it did to us was embarrass us a bit along with most Western nations. Berlusconi (allegedly perverted Prime Minister of Italy) claims it was “the 9/11 of diplomacy” but nothing could be further from the truth. What it did was apply pressure to ossified regimes, who stay in power under the auspices of “hey, you wouldn’t like who’d come in next. We’re the secular savior for you.” Sure, there is validity to this in varying degrees and depending on the country, but in general the worry is overblown. Institutions outside of religion do exist and possess enough clout, respect, and infrastructure needed to make a transition from autocracy to democracy if they choose to do so. 

                  Overall then, the US is a surprisingly minor figure in all that’s going on. With a minuscule budget and a strange Australian (who, according to the New York Times, smells bad) Wikileaks has managed to have a greater impact than any amount of backroom coaxing and money might have hoped to achieve. Even regular journalism usually reports after an event, avoiding outright provocation. Sure, Wikileaks method is far from elegant and often a blunt instrument (if at times reckless), but as we continue to see protests against such repressive regimes multiply, we might begin to realize what the real ‘information revolution’ is. 

Origin Story Number Two

I grew up in a beautiful town out in the Soviet countryside. The middle child, I nonetheless experienced the nourishing tender love and care from my good communist mother and father. My father worked as an engineer and served for many years in the local Communist party. Due to his heavy participation in the party, he was justly rewarded with a plum position working at a local power plant. Playing in the lush green fields, we were happy to call this ravishingly beautiful city home. Even now, I remember my friends being jealous of my good fortune of living in Chernobyl. 

One day I woke up and everything changed. Unbeknown to me, my parents were fighting against the Soviet occupation of their beloved Ukraine. Quickly we were rushed to live in an underground bunker and for several years we crossed between Ukraine and Belarus, seeking the liberation of each country. After the disaster in my old town, I understood why they did it. We were fighting against an evil empire, as Ronald Reagan stated over the radio. His voice reassured me that all was right with the world. Our father promised us that after Ukraine became independent, that we could head over to the US, to a land of milk and honey.

Milk and honey is what we lived off of from local farmers sympathetic to our cause. Finally when I was 12 I saw the empire keel over and die. Excitedly we packed our bags and headed over to America. Worried about the influence that a big city could have over my younger sibling my family moved to rural North Carolina. 

As I entered Middle School there, I realized I was different. I didn’t speak any English, so I forced myself into American culture. I bought Nirvana albums and dressed all Grunge. My parents worried about my style of dress, thinking that American culture would take over my Ukrainian roots. Upon my constant grouching about everything, they felt reassured that indeed I would fit their hopes of me growing up into an embittered, disillusioned, over-educated member of society, just like they did. According to them, the Ukrainian way involved being deeply weird and being kind of a dick, but acknowledging that you’re an asshole. I passed this test with flying colors after I hurled a beer bottle at someone at school, only to half-apologize to them in front of the principal.

Upon graduation from Edenton, North Carolina’s school system, I decided to move to a big city. I missed being around large groups of people. Telling my parents I was going to study Dentistry in Chicago, they initially were concerned. After I told them about the high suicide rate that Dentists suffered from, they gave me a thumbs-up of approval. 

Living in Chicago in the late nineties ended up being a magical time. Around that time, a record label called “Thrill Jockey” grew in importance. In order to pay for school, I did side gigs touring with the famous band Tortoise, playing the vibraphones. Since so many people were in the band, my name usually got mangled. More than a few times some of the musicians who opened up asked me for drugs, thinking I was a Russian gangster. Asking about this profession, I learned that apparently being a Russian gangster paid more than touring with a relevant indie-rock-jazz fusion band. I stood in disbelief, unable to comprehend crime paying so much better than underground rock.

Following my passion, I joined the Russian mob. Since I was technically Ukrainian, I had to pay a higher Union membership fee. My job consisted of manipulating stocks and setting bags of poop on fire. During my years with the Russian mob, I saw more money than I’d ever seen before. After the FBI raided my workplace, I was out of a job. Bored at being a dentist and having genuinely enjoyed my artistic experiences, I decided to write a show about my time with the mob. It was called “The Vakhovskayas” and the pilot was rejected for having too many philosophical references.

Distraught at my attempt to create a hit TV show, I worked as a Dentist in the greater Los Angeles area, still pitching my ideas to whoever was interested. One day a dorky looking bald guy came into my practice. He stated that he read my work would fit his concept for a show. Intrigued, I asked him to proceed. Explaining how it would take place on a deserted island and would explore sci-fi and philosophical arguments, he told me how it could be one of the greatest shows that Television had ever seen. Throwing a few titles out there, he told me, they decided against “Airplane Crash” and went with the simple name “Lost”. 

After having wasted most of my afternoon listening to this, I told him to get the fuck out of my office. This idea he had, I said, would not earn him a dime. Plus, I cancelled several dental cleanings in order to hear him yammer on about his gibberish, money that would take hours to earn back. Later that evening, I left a flaming bag of dog shit on his doorstep with a note that said “This is what your show will be”. 

Even though the show ended up being mildly successful with tepid critical praise, I made the right decision. Instead of focusing on my writing, I turned to music. Working with James Ferraro, I helped the nascent hypnagogic pop and chillwave genres turn into the cultural powerhouses they are today. Due to my participation in this genre, I have made literally hundreds of dollars. However, after my street cred is converted into actual dollars, I’ll have enough money to buy a small Indonesian island.

My coverage of chillwave and hypnagogic pop on this blog isn’t exactly benign. I make no apologies for this, but rather ask what you would do in the same situation. Would you simply keep the good music for yourself, or would you share it with the world, like I have. Thank you for your continued support of this blog. It means a lot to me.