Wilco “I Might”

 

               Wilco, what happened to you? I’m worried about you. You’ve fallen far from such great heights, from the critically-acclaimed “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” to the coolest alternative country rock band. That’s a big difference: the difference between being “Billy the Kidd” or a rancher with a keen sense of style. Seriously, this is scary. All the drama from “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” right down to using snippets from the Conet Project feels lost, gone forever. Listening to that album it’s a different band. That band was a better band, one that could get the coveted ’10.0’ from Pitchfork.

                I can’t blame you entirely. The circumstances surrounding “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” are legendary. Dropped by your label, you offered free of charge your best album. Eventually you got picked up by another label owned by the same conglomerate “Warner Brothers”. People watched everything unfurl and thought “Wow, the music industry is dumb”. When the album eventually was offered for sale, it ended up being your best-selling album, despite (or perhaps because of) its previous free nature.

                Pitchfork hasn’t been as kind to you since. After that 10.0 you’ve been hanging out in solid ‘7’ territory. How can you really improve a product declared to be perfect? No one can get a ’10.1’. It’s impossible. You made it and fell. Even other, heavily praised bands (Animal Collective) didn’t receive a 10.0. They got a 9.6, leaving at least .4 worth of improvement for a future product.

                By now you’d probably be happy with an eight. That 10.0 might have been from the cover alone: a picture of those famous towers in Chicago won over a critic or two residing in the Midwest’s hippest city. You knew how to cater to the critics then. Experimental without being overwhelming, ambitious enough to meet your goals, you had it all. What happened since then Wilco?

                Don’t give up. You have plenty of talent. Receiving a 10.0 means Pitchfork is legally obligated to cover whatever you do for the rest of your career. Since they made you buzzworthy, they have a duty to report on their previous star pupil. Well, you’ve had a big weekend, announced your new album entitled “The Whole Love” and come out with the song “I might”. Additionally, at a relevant music festival in Massachusetts, you debuted two new songs: Born Alone” and “Dawned on Me”. Together this ought to create enough buzz to help you hype your new album. Giving out singles of the “I Might” song at the festival shows you understand how to create buzz. But still, Best New Music might be a bit hard for you now, at least judging off of your new song.

                Clearly you know the game of hype. Let’s hope the new album can at least compare to your previous glory. I wish you the best.

Washed Out Leak

                Washed Out leaked. If you’re reading this, you know. Or if you don’t, get on top of it. Ernest Greene didn’t disappoint with this one. Most chillwave artists tried to stray away from their roots. You can’t imagine my happiness at Washed Out doing basically the same thing he did with his EPs albeit a slight change: There are less sample-based songs.  That’s the biggest evolution for him. Familiarity with his EPs is a must to see where he came from. If you’re unfamiliar, get familiar in particular “All Around You” perhaps the best song of his early work. People will be talking about this new album for quite some time. 

                I judge artists partially on how early their albums leak. An earlier leak indicates a greater anticipation and a possible criminal element within their fan base (depending on your judgment of leakers). Other chillwave artists leaked pretty early: Neon Indian’s album leaked a whole blog year (blog year = three months) before the album was due. By the time Pitchfork reviewed it saying how great the album was readers were like “Thanks for keeping me up to date with the latest news. Next you’ll tell me about the Wright brothers’ new invention called “the aero plane”.  Washed Out leaked pretty early. That bodes well for the project and for a continuing interest in Mr. Greene. Here’s where I admit Ernest’s self-releases of a few tracks kind made it pretty easy to figure out how this was going to sound. Nonetheless, considering all his previous releases were only EPs that’s a very good thing. He’ll be selling out shows wherever he goes, playing all his smooth, lovely songs. 

                Most other chillwave acts have a bit more of a direct, dance-pop influence. For example, Neon Indian wants you to get up and dance. Neon Indian wants you to take acid with him. All sorts of unmentionable things occur in Neon’s sound, perhaps too many unmentionable, potentially life-changing things. Washed Out deals with smaller details: how to hug, how to make love, etc. Perhaps these won’t change your life, but the nine songs make for excellent ‘make out’ or ‘love making’ music. It is a gentler sound, less dance based than rock based music. Think shoegaze. 

                How will others react to this? Will this be the album that saves the flailing genre ‘chillwave’? I feel it is chill enough; at least it will be until Neon Indian comes out with his new album. Unfortunately Neon Indian’s release may overshadow this quiet, understated album. We’ll have to see; each one has influential newspapers, blogs, bloggers, magazines, TV and other important sources of buzz. Ernest did do those Adult Swim bumps which help along with the intro song of IFC’s ‘Portlandia’. So at least Washed Out has a serious presence on Television, the laziest form of media. Can Washed Out and Neon Indian live in harmony? I think they can. Listening to this album, Washed Out seems pretty chill. With “Within and Without” Ernest solidifies his credentials as the ‘father of chillwave’. Respect your elders. 

Will “Clap Your Hands Say Yeah” make the “Same Mistake” again?

                Clap Your Hands Say Yeah came out with a new called “Same Mistake”. Many years ago, in 2005, CYHSY blew up in a great way. Here was a band, a good one, who received a great deal of attention on their debut. No one in the band was prepared for the onslaught of joy and love their debut received. Everyone in the band couldn’t handle it. Pitchfork adored it. Audiences loved it. Most bands would kill for the outpouring of love they received. Then their second album came.  

                Their second album couldn’t live up to the hype. Entitled “Some Loud Thunder” it might as well have been titled “Some Loud Blunder”. Critics tore it apart. People were angry at it. Every review I read talked about how over-hyped they were. Yet those who complained about the hype were the same ones who hyped the first one so hard. This was the first time I witnessed music reviewers creating their own drama. And a poor old indie rock band was caught in the middle unable to satisfy anybody. Discouraged they went on a hiatus. 

                Four years later the hiatus is over. Their previous friends/enemies have paid attention. I’ve seen the song featured on a few sites. No doubt I’ll see them on even more as days pass by. Listening to the new song it maintains my interest a bit more than “Some Loud Thunder”. Honestly I tried to get through their whole sophomore album but never could do it. As I got through this one new song of theirs, I have a hope that perhaps they’ll keep my interest for roughly 45 to 50 minutes. Since I’ve been pretty good at avoiding the pun until now, let me just say I hope they don’t make the “Same Mistake” again. Oh wait, that’s the title, oh well. 

                Behind these guys is a famous roller coaster: the Cyclone in Coney Island. The Cyclone is America’s most famous roller coaster. For them the roller coaster must represent the extreme highs and lows they’ve experienced as a band. CYHSY named their newest, yet unreleased album “Hysterical”. Perhaps it will be dedicated to the attention they first received for their debut. Reviewers loved them back then. CYHSY became popular and successful through reviewers and hype rather than a traditional record label. Back in 2005 that was weird, unheard of, and a ‘game changer’. So that made their fall from grace hurt much more. 

                I have nothing but happy memories of their first self-titled album. The music might have been a bit overrated but it did have heart. CYHSY led me out of my self-imposed experimental music world. Years had gone by with me insolating myself in endlessly difficult music, without beats, structure, or melody. When I first heard Alec Ounsworth’s voice I thought to myself: that’s the most annoying voice I’ve ever heard in my entire life. Listening to it way too loud in my friend’s hand-me-down car I grew to enjoy it. One day her car was packed with people and we heard the song “Is this Love”. We began to sing along. That song is only 3 minutes long but it felt longer. We got lost in the pure joy and happiness CYHSY appeared to seep out of their pours. For me the summer of 2005 was made up of these songs, of going to the beach and opening myself up to others. 

                Without Clap Your Hands Say Yeah I might not be the same sloth I am now. They helped me learn to enjoy the art of pop music. I became happier, fitter, and more productive. Everything fit into place. I’d hang out at the beach with this blasting on the cheapest stereo which offered CD-playing opportunities. My friends and I would swim together, tell each other jokes using a bone-dry wit, and go to Subway to get our friend to make us free sandwiches. Sure the sandwiches tasted like ass but it was a happy ass taste. 

                Here’s the part where I try to predict how their new album is going to do. I offer up pros and cons to a single song. No song should have to do so much, at least not this one, not this time. CYHSY is too personal to me to try and predict their fortunes in the tumultuous forces of online taste-making. I hope they make it. They deserve it.

Will Dâm-Funk ever get “Best New Music” on Pitchfork?

                No, probably not. Damon G. Riddick might have had his moment pass back in 2009. Back then every type of music began to sound excellent. Pitchfork popped “Best New Music” every other day. Even then Dâm-Funk managed to get only an 8.2, nothing terrible but just a few points shy of that coveted score. 

                Of course Damon did a few things to ensure a good score on Pitchfork. He did a remix for Animal Collective. After that he managed to get a sweet blurb in the taste-making newspaper “The New York Times”. Those in the “New York Times” foresaw great things happening to the Professor of Funk. Using his remix and NYT article he maneuvered to open for Animal Collective in Prospect Park. Everything was falling into place. 

                Watching him open in Prospect Park felt like seeing all those people from the Titanic flail about due to a lack of lifeboats except somehow more heart-wrenching.  Everyone around me looked in disbelief as this man choked up pretty hard. In the beginning he told people what year a record was made to try to get cheers; by the end he was reduced to saying “Cheer if you like being alive”! Not many people cheered, they felt cheated by his utter lack of charisma and annoying long-windedness. 

                His ultimate statement came out towards the end of 2009 called “Toeachizown”. I stayed away from the release for a while, remembering my awful experience with him at Prospect Park. The lame performance turned me away from his music for a long while. Only after I saw he did remixes of virtually anyone who had ever released a song did I begin to let my guard down. With his kind of remix release schedule I figured he made roughly three remixes a today, one for breakfast, one for lunch and one for dinner. 

                I wonder what Dâm-Funk’s average day is like. I imagine most of his day consists of finding puns off of his name. As he’s driving down the road looking at the empty California landscape he sees someone dressed in a Pepé Le Pew costume he says to himself “Damn Skunk”. While he watches TV and a character does something ridiculous on his favorite USA Network show he laughs “Damn Monk”. Going to his day job as a head of a recycling plant he thinks about everything people throw away and mutters “Damn Junk”. Performing at The Smell, a famous venue in Los Angeles, California, he sees someone vomit on a shorter person’s head and screams out “Damn Drunk”. 

                Perhaps 2011 will recognize the huge amount of work this guy does. Sure, his live show is a bit empty but what do you expect people’s reactions would be to retro slow-moving funk? Now I realize the Animal Collective concert might not have been the best way to reach out to potential fans. Animal Collective and Dâm-Funk aren’t that compatible. Plus releasing an over two hour debut is a tough thing for anyone to handle. Yet I have respect for someone who follows his muse this hard for this long. Before Damon goes to sleep I’m sure he reads roughly two to three funk history textbooks. He needs to in order to keep his professor position at a local community college over the weekend. 

                Thursday marked his partial re-habilitation into the indie-sphere. Since the Animal Collective fiasco he’s kept a lower profile, releasing some old tracks and one EP. Remixes have been his only new material. After coming out with his remix of Ariel Pink’s song “Fright Night” it is time for him to emerge out of the darkness and into the light. Finally he came out to Bonnaroo. How he did I do not know days after the fact. What I’m going to ask is unusual: anyone cognizant enough please advise me how well he did in your own words. I want to know. Thus far I’ve only found gearheads checking out his equipment. Gearheads aren’t people they are machines. 

                Bonnaroo isn’t even that great a music festival. I’d probably put it down as a third-tier festival, after Coachella and SXSW. Each one of those festivals is real. They are held in states that people generally hold favorable opinions of. Tennessee is gorgeous, beautiful really, but the middle of nowhere Tennessee doesn’t hold quite the same charm of desert fun in the sun or Austin’s Hipster Paradise. Appearing at Bonnaroo is a good first step, but Damon will need to improve his festival game for next year if he wants to tap into a buzz vein. 

                Dâm-Funk I want you to tutor me in the ways of the funk. Failure to do so would be tragic as I’ve dedicated roughly 800 or so words to you. Don’t damn the funk.

Movie Review: The Devil Writes Pitchfork ***Warning: Spoilers***

                Pitchfork bashing has taken on a new form: full feature length. From the creators of “Meet the Spartans” and “Vampires Suck” comes an once-in-a-lifetime movie. This movie turns around everything you’ve ever thought you’ve known about the writing duo of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. All those terrible movies they made, gone out the window. Whatever sin they have committed to the screen before has since been forgiven with this ‘tour-de-force’. 

                “The Devil Writes Pitchfork” received a standing ovation at the Sundance Film Festival. At the Cannes Film Festival they won the Palme d’Or. When they gave their speech, they explained they did all those previous terrible movies in order to build up to this final statement. Both of them stated they understood what people had thought of them. Crass, crude, dumbing down our culture, a virtual toilet bowl collecting the refuse we strained out of our society’s anus, they heard it all. Jason told the audience it was important to keep this project under wraps. For mocking the Pitchfork subculture takes time and effort, neither thing they’ve employed on any of their other movies. To ensure the movie would not be ruined they filmed in near-secrecy.

                We begin the movie in a darkened bar on a ship. A gaunt looking man stares blankly at a tall person identified only as “Ryan”. They exchange a few words as the camera passes over legions of dead twenty-somethings impeccably dressed. Finally he puts on a record of Neutral Milk Hotel’s “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” as the ship goes up in flames. 

                After that we see the NYPD going over the scene. Policemen gasp at the amount of cool, relevant bros who died. Brooklyn lost a great deal of their tastemakers that night, one particularly hip cop says while scrolling through his IPOD. Only two survived the onslaught: some Russian scenester named Vlad and an entry-level kid who didn’t know much about music blogs called John “Entry-Level” McEntire. Vlad mutters incoherently about a mythical music snob legend known as “Ryan Schreiber”. Bringing in a translator and police sketch artist they set forth to draw a picture of this man. 

 Despite being a total N00B about music John had been granted near full immunity from mocking by those high up on the music food chain. Brought into the police station on a minor Sonic Youth discography violation, he begins to tell the tale in New York City several weeks ago to Nick Drake, a depressive young detective from upstate New York:

                Five music pirates of the highest caliber are brought in on illegal downloading charges by the RIAA. While the five of them sit in the cell, they conduct a scheme to leak a huge deal of MP3s, creating a loss of millions of dollars for the music industry. In that process, they will gain so much street cred they will be virtual gods of the music blog-o-sphere. John, the N00B, is there alongside a techno fan from the UK who speaks in a near-incomprehensible accent called Adam, Rothgar a huge metal fan from Scandinavia, and Will, a man well-versed on obscure, limited edition releases. Next to them is Kevin Shields, a man trying to go clean from stealing music who wants to ‘support the artists’ which is met with harsh criticism. Kevin is trying to clear his name with the help of a local musician who is leading a “Riot Grrrl” revival called Kathleen Hanna. 

                  All of them head out to California to leak music from Best Coast, Wavves, No Age, and countless other similar artists. They blog about those releases extensively. By attracting so much hype and attention, they work with another group of like-minded people to get a rare bootleg from an early Bob Dylan concert. Upon meeting the corporate types in a parking garage, they kill them accidently only to realize the alleged ‘rare bootleg’ is actually a re-issue. Tempted to go back to New York they are approached by a representative of Ryan Schreiber called Mr. Stapler. Offered more un-leaked MP3s and cocaine than they’ll ever know what to do with they are also presented with a huge amount of money and dossiers on everything any one of them had ever downloaded ever. What they need to do is defeat the gang from Russia on a boat to steal the MP3s and cocaine away from them. 

                Nick asks who Ryan is. John explains Ryan is a near-mythical tastemaker for the review site “Pitchfork.com”. According to John, Ryan works through so many different groups of people and bloggers that no one even knows if they are working for him. A story is told, which John believes to be true, about the kind of person Ryan Schreiber is:

                “Once, when Ryan was a small-time blogger at Pitchfork, his house was invaded by other Russian bloggers trying to encroach on his release reviews. When Ryan arrived, they asked him to recant some of his previous scores for bands they thought were over and under-rated or else they would hurt his family. They requested Ryan put up the since-long deleted review of John Coltrane’s “Live at the Village Vanguard”. Instead of caving in to their demands he did something unexpected.  Ryan shot and killed his entire family rather than have to recant anything he’d ever written or repost anything he’d taken down from his site. Leaving one man alive to tell the tale, he went after anyone who hosted the text from his embarrassing early ‘creative writing pieces’ style reviews. He even killed those associated with them and hid underground.” 

                Some in the group questioned whether or not to deal with Mr. Stapler. Will tries to escape and is killed. Their attempts to kill Ryan’s representative fail as the representative threatens each one of them personally. For each one had taken MP3s and hype from his boss it was time they repaid that debt. Going on the boat will be tough as the Russian gang takes MP3 leaks very seriously. 

                Keith tells John to stay back that he doesn’t know how much danger will be on this boat. If anything goes wrong John could contact Kathleen, who could deal with Ryan “her way”. On the boat, the group soon discovered there were no hard drives filled with MP3s and no cocaine. Eventually they all were killed, and John says he saw Ryan in the shadows kill Keith.

                Upon hearing this story, Nick reveals the real reason Keith’s group went there: to kill someone who could identify Ryan. Most likely those Russians were the same ones who Ryan massacred much earlier. Ryan wanted Keith's group there so he could slip in and out without detection. According to Nick, Keith was Ryan. Nick told John he was left to proclaim Keith’s innocence. Going further, Nick says John has no taste of what’s cool or not and that’s the reason he’s kept alive. 

                John posts bail. Taking a few items (including his plush headphones) he walks out. Looking around his office, Nick realizes he stole names from objects around his office, such as his Stapler. Running out the door, he passes by a faxed police sketch which shows a picture not of Keith, but of John. Outside he turns his head in all directions failing to see John.

                By now John is busy listening to Captain Beefheart and Faust. He gets into a car driven by “Mr. Stapler” and drives away.

                This may be Jason Friedberg’s and Aaron Seltzer’s best movie yet.

Neon Indian returns!

                2010 must have been the year chillwave hibernated. Neon Indian toured, didn’t release very many (if any new songs). Instead, he just put out videos for pre-existing songs. People felt a certain amount of teasing, as he was just solidifying his position as one of the two highly respected chillwavers (the other being ‘Washed Out’). “Psychic Chasms” got instant ‘Best New Music’ on Pitchfork. No other chillwave artist managed to pull that off in their first go, even Washed Out got only an 8.0 on his first EP.

                Things have changed since the halcyon days of 2009. Since that time, a great deal of sub-par chillwave has entered the music stream, tainting its good, nostalgic name. Other chillwave bands have evolved, moved past the original sound. For Toro Y Moi, that meant a longer, better received second album. Ducktails had a second, less well-received album, getting only a 6.7, meaning Pitchfork was ‘hedging its bets’ on it still remaining a band which could obtain buzz. 

                What could Neon Indian do with his time, as he worked diligently on his second album? Alan Palomo lost a guitarist and gained “Flaming Lips” collaboration. By working with Wayne, he proved he will be the most profitable chillwave entity. Losing a guitarist didn’t hurt too much as Neon Indian has been mostly a singular affair. Guitarists are everywhere; though that guitarist’s funky outfits will be missed at live shows. I know I’ll miss them. 

                Finland proved to be the place where he re-discovered his chill. Since it is in Scandinavia, it embodies the essence of chill. The welfare state the Finns have created, along with being the only country to repay all of its World War II debt to the US makes it a pretty chill place, perfect for Neon Indian.  He needed to see how to make his second album even better than the first, as his popularity had only increased since his first album. Some magazines even called his 2009 released album “the album of 2010” which felt other-worldly to him. 

                Now he’s come out with some teaser trailer for “Heart Attack” part of a 3-part instrumental trilogy on his new album. That means the new album will be longer than the first, as previous outings have shown us, longer album means ‘maturing’ and shorter albums mean ‘running on empty’. So he has that part of the system down pat. Listening to the first track from it, it sounds fantastic, exactly what you’d expect from Neon Indian, completely amazing synthesizer and great beats. Hopefully he’ll keep that up for most of the album. 

                 I’ve seen him live a couple of times. Not once have I been upset or disappointed. By now, he’s gotten down the live show, a difficult thing for his kind of music. He’s also stated the new album will drop in early fall. Since his last album leaked so early, I’m assuming we’ll get it by around July/August area. Perhaps we’ll also get some sort of EP like we did for the last one, so people can get used to the major points of the album before he goes out with the whole thing. This last part I’m not so certain about, he’s maintained twitter silence for great periods of time, perhaps he wants to ‘shock and awe’ the audience. 

                Actually, when I heard the first song off of his early EP “Deadbeat Summer” I remember sending to virtually everyone I knew who was interested in music. Each one loved it. I kept those sent Facebook messages for a long time, to remind me that sometimes hype rewards a band deserving of the attention. Of course, I kept those messages out of the music nerd habit of saying “I called it” when you learned of a band way before everyone else. As most people aren’t music nerds, when you meet a real music nerd, it is the equivalent of a secret handshake. 

                Neon Indian appear to be a more responsible affair, at least avoiding some of the negative aspects of celebrity, public break-downs and drug abuse being the most common problems. Though apparently the Antlers tweeted their rehearsal with him was a nightmare and they should not have taken acid with him. Considering the bleak nature of the Antlers music, it might have to do more with their perception than Alan’s behavior.

                Honestly, I haven’t been this excited for a release in a while. Most of 2011 has gone by with a few decent albums. I want something beautiful. Neon Indian might have that album.

Panda Bear – Tomboy

                    Ah yes, the moment we’ve all been waiting for has finally arrived. Tomboy dropped today. What did the critics think? Usually questions such as that one are tossed aside as people claim “Hey, just enjoy the music”. Due to Panda Bear’s heavy critical darling status, it is basically impossible to judge it without considering his previous success with Animal Collective and on his own album “Person Pitch”.  I was curious as to how critics would react to his new, considerably less sprawling soundscapes or ‘songs’ as they are popularly known.  

                Panda Bear teased us with this album for roughly the past nine months. Countless cities were visited, with him allegedly tweaking the songs over and over again. EPs got released during this period to build up interest and anticipation. Though he said a lot of these songs were worked over again and again before becoming the album versions, I don’t personally hear a lot of difference between these versions and the EP versions. As I listen to it, it reminds me of the slight disappointment I felt when Real Estate released their album which was a collection of EPs rather than an album in the proper sense of the term. Familiarity with the EPs will dull one’s senses to the full impact of the album. If you’re reading this anyway, you’ve probably listened to these songs in EP form already. 

                TheNeedleDrops panned this album, giving in a ‘light 5’. Pitchfork gave it an ‘8.5’ below Panda Bear’s magnum opus “Person Pitch”, though most didn’t expect him to really beat the ‘9.4’ unless the album versions were extremely massive re-working. Most of these songs aren’t, excluding some additional reverb and sound effects. A few songs even sound weaker in their fully polished form than they did on the EPs. “Alsatian Darn” possibly my favorite song off of all the EPs, sounds weaker with this mix, as the song doesn’t hit as strongly as it did before now that excess sonic junk has been added. 

                What makes this a harder thing to love is the more ambient direction of a lot of the songs. “Person Pitch” had ornate structures, epic lengths, and multiple hypnotic sections. “Tomboy” feels awkward in comparison. On one hand, the lengths suggest a greater pop sense. Yet the songs are too spaced out to be considered accessible. By keeping the lengths short, Panda Bear avoids diving deep into sound like he did for “Person Pitch”. In many ways, the album appears to be a compromise between experimental and accessible, without being close enough to either side to be fully satisfying. Nothing is striking on this; the experimentation comes across more as leftover ideas than anything fully fleshed out.

               

                Expectations ran extremely high for this release. Unlike Avey Tare, who most people didn’t bother paying attention to, Panda Bear had something of a reputation as having the most active musical life outside of Animal Collective. No doubt this release will be held up not only to Panda Bear’s previous expectations, but Animal Collective’s “Merriweather Post Pavilion”. Such comparisons, while somewhat unreasonable, are unavoidable. Since they are otherwise so close-lipped about what they do, people need to read into each release they have as guidance for what may come next.

                I don’t know what is next for Panda Bear. This album had raised hopes for a great deal of people. Even while it is a good album, it is not a great album. Unfortunately people will interpret ‘good’ in this instance with the term ‘not great’ rather than accepting it as a fairly decent addition to Panda Bear’s discography. Panda Bear didn’t help things with constantly resetting the release date and killing off a great deal of buzz and goodwill of various music reviewers. Personally, I’d say listen to it yourself and form your own opinion. Reviews of this are too scatter-shot to summarize, but just don’t expect another Person Pitch.

Beirut’s come back to us.

                 Where have you been Zach Condon? Have you been finishing up High School so you’ll no longer be a High School dropout? Or did you return back to the Balkans to learn more about Balkan Folk music so you can ‘indie-fy” it for culturally ignorant Americans? 

                Really, you’ve missed out on a lot by keeping a low profile the past few years. Your last album was in 2007. Back then, people were willing to wait longer for albums. I don’t know if you have enough clout to just sort of sit on your laurels the way LCD Soundsystem did or Arcade Fire did. “March of the Zapotec/Holland EP” was your last EP in the hit filled year of 2009. Compared to Animal Collective, Neon Indian and the chillwave gang, you didn’t stand a chance. 

                Maybe you missed your chance to become a giant powerhouse of music by waiting so long. Brooklyn seems to have dulled your senses. You have married, but what music have you come out with lately? I know your work on the “Realpeople” electro project might have tried to capitalize on blog house music, but otherwise you’ve been quiet, too quiet for the ravenous music-devouring hordes on the internet. You do seem to have found a niche with lonely people on the internet who play your first album over and over again on Last.fm (to be honest, most of your fan base scares me). Whoever listens to “The Flying Cup Club” on repeat worries me a tad since that album was in hindsight a tad bit weak. 

                Now I hear you may be coming out with a new album this year. A few things can be done to get your band back in shape. Get your twitter back in order. Tweet about every little aspect of each song. Make an actual twitter account, like Beirut2011. Follow Beach House’s example; make the twitter account the year you break through to popularity. Do what James Murphy did and release cryptic YouTube videos of you recording in a haunted house. Since you’re in New Mexico, perhaps you could say something mystical as you walk through the desert at night. 

                Get your website updated. I’m glad to see “Sunday Smile” is available for download, but that song came out during the George W. Bush administration. How about you give at the very least a newer MP3 to download, like a single song you’re comfortable releasing. Do you even have any new songs written? If not, just offer some leftovers and call it ‘an exclusive premier’ or talk about whatever world tours you’re doing. I’m glad you did some tours back in 2010, but this is a new year. That lazy website might work for Black Dice since no one cares about them, but I thought you wanted this band thing to be big, why else would you have moved to Brooklyn.

                It seems you have done one thing right: you got Pitchfork to do your announcements for you. They mentioned you’re touring with all those bands that make sweet money cakes and win awards. Arcade Fire might be a surrogate family for you. While the music scene has changed, they’ve stayed true to themselves. Since your music generally mines pre-existing European folk traditions, the Arcade Fire might help you out due to their unique status of being the whitest band on Earth. With all that time you’ll spend with them you could learn how to win a Grammy as well.

                Not all bands can stay true to themselves. Just as a backup for relevancy and authenticity, I’d suggest having a retro synthesizer just in case you decide to explore 80s pop music with a lo-fi sound. That’s kind of a big thing right now, so it is a comfortable crutch if you need it. I’m not saying you do, but it is good thing to have if you want to get your predominately wistful and bleary eyed (due to crying) fan base dancing.

                Think about it. I can’t tell you what to do. Only you can. Figure out how to open up in spectacular fashion. Get a ton of hype, pull a Panda Bear and tease your audience with rumors of an album. Whatever you do, just remember the internet buzz sleeps for no man. Avoid the fate of Bright Eyes. Rise above.

Dominque Leone – Abstract Expression 8.6

When I heard this, I immediately liked it. Here’s an album that is ambitious, weird, and near obnoxiously positive. Yet between that positive attitude is a vulnerability, like he’s about to collapse into a pure nervous wreck. His delivery reminds me strongly of Kevin Blechdom’s almost forced cheerfulness, of having a breakdown live on Public Access.

                Right from the intro track, you’re given the template for the entire album. Thick, playful keyboards and almost nonsensical lyrics meet you, ready to take you into his strange alternate universe where 70s classics like Electric Light Orchestra are distorted almost beyond recognition. Progressive rock sinks its teeth into each composition.

                The album starts out near schizophrenic, especially the first official track “Cover Yourself” which has about 18 parts for a 5 minute song. Most people will hate this. ADD addled music doesn’t fare well with most normal people. Basically, if you’re into experimental and pop music, he melts the two together into an oddly enjoyable art.

                Choruses are aplenty; these appear to breathe even more live into already teeming structures. “Sometimes You’ve Got to be Happy” takes a slower approach, allowing for a flowing movement. Occasionally he busts out absolutely “Whoa, that’s pretty ridiculous” sorts of keyboard stunts, but you can tell he’s trying to restrain himself, with mixed results. Probably the most progressive rock he gets is the goofy “Happy New Year”.

                Winding down the songs’ intensity gradually is a nice way to treat the listener. Having an intense beginning is a good thing, but that level of energy would probably exhaust anybody. There’s a lot of humor on this record, which can be a bit of a turn off. Don’t let it be, it is a shockingly excellent affair from the utmost of music snobs (he used to write for Pitchfork).

The Strokes: Angles

               Ah, the Strokes, one of those bands heralding good times with their music. I think “Is this It” might have been the ultimate everything kind of music. Wherever it was, it transformed the area into something cool, hip and un-offensive. For they dealt in a particular kind of rock, one hearkening back to cool guitar rock, one which escaped any sort of angry feelings.

                Personally, I side a bit more with Interpol at that time. Around the turn of the century, I was a brooding young sloth, trying to make sense of the world. The Strokes didn’t get dark enough for me, and I rejected them until college, when it finally made sense for me. Finally, I reached a level of cool and acceptance for happier forms of music.

                Much like Interpol, the Strokes eventually caught flak, which brought them crashing down to Earth. “First Impressions of Earth” brought them back to reality. Reality was harsh, though sales were strong for their music. The Strokes took a break.  Drug addictions were battled, Julian Casablancas went solo, and everybody did their own thing. 

                Years later (known as now) a new album comes out. It is called Angles. Considering how many other early 2000s bands have seen their luster diminish, it’d be foolish to think The Strokes would be immune to this treatment. Besides, it has been so long since they paid attention. Even their solo projects reek of people trying too hard to be cool. Usually that coolness came effortlessly, that was the main attraction of their music anyway. 

                Having said that, there are a few possibilities The Strokes might be looking at as the reviews come in, hot off the presses. 

                Scenario 1: It gets universally panned. A lower score than “First Impressions of Earth” appear on most websites. Considering how this has happened with many of their peers, I wouldn’t count this out. Negative reviews might include such things as their sound being stale or dated, their theft from the 80s is too apparent. Snarky comments about how they’ve grown old would be included. Honestly, the hip makers might just throw them an awful score, expressing varying degrees of disappointment.

                Scenario 2: A compromise of sorts would occur. Realizing they can’t exactly totally pan the shit out of The Strokes, for fear of never getting another album for a half-decade, they claim it is better than “First Impressions of Earth” but not as good as “Room On Fire”. Comments will be thrown around, talking up how all the twists and turns make more sense now that they’ve shrunk the size of the album back down to 35 minutes. 

                Scenario 3: People talk about how it is almost as good as “Is this It” and how they’ve come so far in the past few years, overcoming crappy solo albums and drug addictions. Vague forms of encouragement are weaved into the review, talking about the eclectic approach to the album. Smiles appear on people’s faces as they are simply glad they are here, playing for us again. By taking this approach, it coaxes another album out of The Strokes right before their transition to cool dads is complete. 

                Scenario 4: Angles gets higher marks than “Is This It”. I find this extremely unlikely. Considering how highly regarded their first album is, I find it difficult to believe this would ever happen. Right now I’d give this one the least likely chance, about a 1% chance at most. 

                No matter which of these scenarios occurs, a few things are guaranteed. This album will sell well, as their popularity goes back long enough to reach people willing to pay money for albums. I like to think of it as “Grandfathering of the Cool Dads”. All of their concerts will sell out as well, since people are thankful for the Strokes doing anything together. Expect to see some wistfulness, no matter what score they give them. The Strokes just are one of those bands who peaked and generally speaking will never hit that level of hip ever again. 

                Let’s see how it turns out. My gut says Scenario 2, but we’ll see if I’m right about it.

Pitchfork ranking system

                  Pitchfork lets a great deal of people know what is hot and what is not. Usually those who read it possess some sort of love/hate relationship with said website. If you’ve never read it before and you hate it, you’re either an idiot or a liar. Despite the plethora of sites out there, no other review site gets the same polarizing reaction from readers. Think of Pitchfork as a Hipster in Reviewer form: no two people can define exactly why they like it or dislike it, yet loathe being called a ‘reader’. 

                Well, I’m about to make things considerably easier for you. No, I’m not going to talk about old Pitchfork reviews. How Pitchfork used to be the sort of place where you’d see reviews that looked like failed creative writing projects. The kind which got you a C+ with the comment “At least it is in English” placed on the bottom. See East River Pipe – The Gasoline Pipe for evidence of that. 

                Since the writing can be completely insufferable, they provide a helpful guide for you, dear reader. Condensing all the pretension into a numeral score allows you to avoid any interaction with the writer’s casual name-dropping of a band only they and 12 other people have ever heard. Besides, half the time they spend on describing the anticipation people had on the release rather than the music itself.

                Numbers can be confusing though, especially with the ‘grade inflation’ they use in off years. In the below, I’ve tried to accurately summarize exactly what kinds of bands get these scores and why. Hopefully I’ll help you through the sometimes contradictory meaning of the scores. Let’s begin. 

0.0

Oh man, the reviewer hates this so much. Maybe the reviewer will develop a hard-on for hating this band. See Weezer’s “Make Believe” for the 0.0 score, which apparently was so bad they went back to their old Weezer albums and tried to figure out if those secretly sucked too. 

This occurred to the Flaming Lips as well, but another reviewer came in as sort of a ‘White Knight’. Many people refer to this instance as the “good cop/bad cop” where one reviewer claims it is terrible and another comes along and calls them an idiot. Except for instead of possessing space in some disregarded comments section they are given full articles to explain their position. Music nerds call this ‘drama’. 

In case it truly is awful, they’ll put up a video of a monkey pissing into its own mouth like they did on Jet’s ‘Shine On’.

0.1   – 2.9

Whatever happens, this band will suck, perhaps for the rest of their career. The reviewer takes a few approaches to explaining why it sucks so badly:

It is hipster garbage they don’t understand. Apparently someone forgot to let the early thirty-something in on the joke.

Radio rock can be felt. Pitchfork reviewers generally react against anything that is already established as ‘mainstream’ (see Courtney Love) though they have no problem if they help said band become more popular and move them towards mainstream (see The Strokes, Interpol). 

A genre or micro-genre has fallen out of favor for a long while and they need to react against it. Whereas the same crappy album might have garnered a ‘5 point something’ it gets this score. See Mr. Oizo’s “Lamb’s Anger” for more information on this event.

3.0 - 4.4

A score such as this doesn’t necessary forsake a band as the last two did. Instead, Pitchfork deploys this whenever they are really worried about an artist’s viability. Then that band’s fan base goes into some sort of civil war, where message boards are endlessly flamed.

For examples, see the response to M.I.A’s latest album. That score tore apart communities. 

4.4’s serves as a way of officially opening up hunting season on a band which disappointed them too many times. Usually this band has been constantly bringing down the reviewer for a while and this serves as the final straw. Interpol’s self-titled album did exactly that, as the reviewer got his sights set and took them out. 

4.5 – 5.9

We’re getting to less abysmal scores now. These tend to be left for underwhelming debuts for bands that did all their homework, but left the reviewer wanting something more. After receiving a score like, the band usually does some extra-long tour in order to feel better.

Of Montreal famously did this with their album “Skeletal Lamping”, touring across the US to places they’d never been to before. Sioux Falls was psyched. 

The further up in the range (upper 5s) indicate there remains some form of redemption for the band. Giving a little bit of faint praise for one or two tracks shows the reviewer has some hope left. The band gets it and moves up to a 6 point something or higher on the next album. “It’s All Around You” fell under the no longer popular genre phenomenon, along with being a generally crummy album. 

If the next album is worse, the reviewer has already looked up colorful words to describe garbage.

6.0 – 6.7

Now we’re getting to the ‘open to interpretation’ scores. Bands could view a score like this in two ways:

Yay, Pitchfork reviewed us. They said we offer potential and they look forward to a follow-up of some nature. – Bands starting out read into it in a positive ‘glass half-full’ way.

Established bands getting this score usually did something to draw the reviewer’s ire. Oftentimes the band has been around for a few years, and the criticism tends to be ‘stuck in a rut’ or something of that nature.

Deerhoof received this criticism for their latest album “Deerhoof Vs. Evil”. By this point, they realized they were polarizing and decided not to care.

Other bands take different approaches. Of Montreal, upon reading its ‘False Priest’ review, decided to have a nervous breakdown. Kevin Barnes stated how they claimed it wasn’t as ambitious as his last album, yet he pointed out they panned that same album. Criticism felt scattershot to him, since he no longer knew how to satisfy the criticism master.

6.8 – 7.3

Generally speaking, these kinds of scores are used for more experimental/difficult artists, since Pitchfork reviewers generally don’t understand experimental music, so they tend to give it a fairly decent score, for fear of looking like idiots. They want to show they get it without having to do any kind of heavy lifting. 

Prolific artists get these kinds of scores, if they are usually well-accepted or established figures. Folk artists get these scores a lot, since folk never suffers from a backlash. And Pitchfork reviewers don’t want to appear too snobbish, so they give this review along with some stupid bullshit about how they grew up in rural bumblefuck.

7.4 – 7.9

Better experimental artists get this score. Experimental artists, who have been around for a while, doing their thing, tend to get an upgrade on their second or third album. Usually there’s talk of how they’ve been able to form a better vision of the future. 

Earth and Tortoise both received this score. Tortoise got it as a rebound for “Beacons of Ancestorship” after their panned “It’s all around you” album. Showing development they received a better score. Same went for Earth, though for Earth it is more ‘progression’ than ‘moving away from the point of no return’.

On the flipside of this are artist who would be expected to do better. Radiohead recently learned it could only abuse the ‘give me a 9.0 or better’ model for so long, getting a 7.9 on an album (King of the Limbs) which didn’t deserve it. 

Avey Tare got this for his underwhelming “Down There” album. Had anyone produced this it would have gotten a lower score, but due to Avey Tare’s power in Animal Collective he made out pretty ok.

8.0 – 8.2 

Bands get this for one of two reasons:

The Pitchfork reviewer can’t bring themselves to dislike the band. Laetita Sadier got this for her first solo album “The Trip”. Belle and Sebastian received this for “Write about Love”. Apparently the reviewer remembered listening to Belle and Sebastian in college, when they were young. Rocking gently back and forth, they’d listen to it after a major breakup and cry. In their mind, they feel while it isn’t ‘Best New Music’ material, they can’t just leave them in a lurch like that.

On the other side, such a score indicates a ‘hedging of the bets’ for Pitchfork. In case someone gets popular off of their next album, they don’t want to say they didn’t notice it. Sun Araw got an 8.1 for “On Patrol” in case hypnagogic pop (or weedcore) ever takes off.  Woman and Harlem got similar scores, as they might make it big or on the verge of becoming big, so Pitchfork wants to seem they ‘called it’.

8.3 -8.8

We’re in best new music territory. Bands here have many reasons to be happy for the largesse that’s about to come their way. Many bands which make it here might never be heard from again, but the internet buzz is too strong to resist.

Wavves, Best Coast, Arcade Fire, Neon Indian and others had a buzz too strong to be ignored. Pitchfork had to acknowledge the bloggers were right. Often this is stated somewhere in the article like “all the hype on the internet was worth it” showing how Pitchfork reviewers are savvy enough to use Google and Blogspots every so often. Bands within this segment are often part of a movement which is just gaining steam and popularity, like Post-Rock at the turn of the century or chillwave in 2009. 

Sometimes it actually is an album so good even they need to admit it. Dan Deacon got here after going mad with 168 different arrangements. Tim Hecker got here after doing music for roughly a decade and sort of ‘earned it’. 

Bands in this category don’t necessarily need to be remembered in a few years. It is ok to make mistakes at this level, as it offers enough backpedal into 7 territories. 

8.9 – 9.4

You’re now in the ‘you break it, you bought it’ category. Whenever a reviewer submits something this highly rated, it needs approval from the higher ups in the Pitchfork category. They want to make sure they aren’t eating their words later on in the year. Bands around this point have a good to excellent chance of being one of the best albums of the year.

A band up here has done a few things well. Perhaps they had a series of successful EPs and finally came out with an album. Usually the words ‘crossover’ is used in this context. James Blake falls under this category, as he can introduce Americans too stupid to understand regular dubstep to his accessible version.

Groups who embody a sound are just as likely to make it. Ariel Pink certainly did that with “Before Today” and Deerhunter did as well with “Halycon Digest”. Both sounds were in demand, so they got the score for finally being in the right place at the right time.

9.5 – 9.9

Classic territory comes here. Bands in here have a good chance of becoming the album of the year. 

Animal Collective did this with their “Merriweather Post Pavilion”. Bands this good usually have an enormous amount of hype and are graded accordingly. Usually a certain degree of intense musical knowledge brought alongside dance or dance-like beats have a good chance of bringing you here.

LCD Soundsystem entered this realm as well. Looking at that young late 30-something face, how could one say no to a guy who has done this his whole life. Simple answer is you can’t. You need to confirm his importance that he didn’t spend the past two decades listening to 8,000 records for nothing. 

Bands that have already been famous and reviewed by better reviewers get this score as well. Surely no one at Pitchfork wants to go down as the one who said “Faust” or “Can” sucked. So they read other people’s reviews, add their own two cents, and try to add a funny saying about how ‘ahead of their time’ or ‘inaccessible’ they were. 

10.0

You’ve made it. Pitchfork loves you so much. They want to you to make it so bad, so hard. If you’ve gotten to this point, they won’t review your music anymore. No, mere words can’t describe your sheer genius. Instead, they usually focus on the story of how it came about, etc. See Kanye West and Wilco for how one can say something’s great without giving any real details.

While we’re up here, Pitchfork also does huge apologies for this section. Bands can reissue their music and get a 10.0. The reviewer says something like “Our first review that gave them an 8.9 was written by some stupid asshole. We’re sorry. We fired him so we could write this great new review.” Boards of Canada got this treatment for “Music has the right to Children” and Neutral Milk Hotel “In the Aeroplane over the Sea” after an intense letter-writing campaign.

Hopefully this helps you avoid reading lengthy music reviews. That way, when you read them, you know exactly what kind of score it was. Was it a 7.9 or was it really a 7.9? You need to read between the lines for these releases as their actual words signify nothing.