Beirut’s come back to us.

                 Where have you been Zach Condon? Have you been finishing up High School so you’ll no longer be a High School dropout? Or did you return back to the Balkans to learn more about Balkan Folk music so you can ‘indie-fy” it for culturally ignorant Americans? 

                Really, you’ve missed out on a lot by keeping a low profile the past few years. Your last album was in 2007. Back then, people were willing to wait longer for albums. I don’t know if you have enough clout to just sort of sit on your laurels the way LCD Soundsystem did or Arcade Fire did. “March of the Zapotec/Holland EP” was your last EP in the hit filled year of 2009. Compared to Animal Collective, Neon Indian and the chillwave gang, you didn’t stand a chance. 

                Maybe you missed your chance to become a giant powerhouse of music by waiting so long. Brooklyn seems to have dulled your senses. You have married, but what music have you come out with lately? I know your work on the “Realpeople” electro project might have tried to capitalize on blog house music, but otherwise you’ve been quiet, too quiet for the ravenous music-devouring hordes on the internet. You do seem to have found a niche with lonely people on the internet who play your first album over and over again on Last.fm (to be honest, most of your fan base scares me). Whoever listens to “The Flying Cup Club” on repeat worries me a tad since that album was in hindsight a tad bit weak. 

                Now I hear you may be coming out with a new album this year. A few things can be done to get your band back in shape. Get your twitter back in order. Tweet about every little aspect of each song. Make an actual twitter account, like Beirut2011. Follow Beach House’s example; make the twitter account the year you break through to popularity. Do what James Murphy did and release cryptic YouTube videos of you recording in a haunted house. Since you’re in New Mexico, perhaps you could say something mystical as you walk through the desert at night. 

                Get your website updated. I’m glad to see “Sunday Smile” is available for download, but that song came out during the George W. Bush administration. How about you give at the very least a newer MP3 to download, like a single song you’re comfortable releasing. Do you even have any new songs written? If not, just offer some leftovers and call it ‘an exclusive premier’ or talk about whatever world tours you’re doing. I’m glad you did some tours back in 2010, but this is a new year. That lazy website might work for Black Dice since no one cares about them, but I thought you wanted this band thing to be big, why else would you have moved to Brooklyn.

                It seems you have done one thing right: you got Pitchfork to do your announcements for you. They mentioned you’re touring with all those bands that make sweet money cakes and win awards. Arcade Fire might be a surrogate family for you. While the music scene has changed, they’ve stayed true to themselves. Since your music generally mines pre-existing European folk traditions, the Arcade Fire might help you out due to their unique status of being the whitest band on Earth. With all that time you’ll spend with them you could learn how to win a Grammy as well.

                Not all bands can stay true to themselves. Just as a backup for relevancy and authenticity, I’d suggest having a retro synthesizer just in case you decide to explore 80s pop music with a lo-fi sound. That’s kind of a big thing right now, so it is a comfortable crutch if you need it. I’m not saying you do, but it is good thing to have if you want to get your predominately wistful and bleary eyed (due to crying) fan base dancing.

                Think about it. I can’t tell you what to do. Only you can. Figure out how to open up in spectacular fashion. Get a ton of hype, pull a Panda Bear and tease your audience with rumors of an album. Whatever you do, just remember the internet buzz sleeps for no man. Avoid the fate of Bright Eyes. Rise above.

LCD Soundsystem on “The Colbert Report”

I was there

                In the midst of my favorite social peers. We were together, willing to celebrate the joyous event. Stephen Colbert smiled gallantly at the illustrious young audience. One could feel the love in the air. It was Valentine’s Day, and everyone sat in anticipation for the musical guest, a rarity for the Colbert Report. LCD Soundsystem was going to play, but first we’d have to play Colbert’s game, being willing participants in laughter, applause. Usually the musical guests tended to be bands less authentic, less hip. After the Daily Show had the Grammy-winning ‘Arcade Fire’ perform, Colbert had to step his game up. 

                I was there

                As Stephen Colbert made some funny jokes about Muburak. These varied in effectiveness. Honestly, I felt like all the jokes about Muburak had already been made as Colbert got ripped from my side last week. Feeling confused, scared, wondering why Colbert would just take off a random week like that. Thankfully it didn’t last too long. 

                I was there

                Listening to Colbert mention something I’d explored earlier. My article about Paul Wooten got mentioned, kind of. Originally the New York Times wrote about it, but my commentary on it was vaguely more humorous. Copying some of my questions, like how old is too young to sue a kid, was a nice touch. Part of me felt a certain kinsman ship to Mr. Colbert. He ‘got it’. 

                I was there

                Watching with eager anticipation as some 41 year old came on stage. This would be James Murphy’s last television broadcast appearance as LCD Soundsystem. Good thing I saw them at Terminal 5, before they started asking for mortgage down payments in order to pay for tickets. But I sat, quivering with pure uncut excitement as this disheveled mid-age man explained after LCD Soundsystem he wanted to follow his dream. Even at his old age, he felt he could still make coffee, could still run DFA Records, and still pump up the jams of varying degrees of intensity. 

                I was there

                Hearing the first bits of the song “I can change” I thought how appropriate. But really, I don’t want James Murphy to change. I want him to continue to have his awesome band until it dies an inglorious death. Each synthesizer makes it worth it, all 8 of them. Multiple drummers, random woman as a ‘romantic interest’, LCD Soundsystem had it all. Playing a short song bothered me a wee bit, as the audience began to get both ‘hot’ and ‘bothered’ by the intensity of their performance. We wanted a hit, but we knew he doesn’t do hits. Indeed it was tough, because we hadn’t had enough, but then he hit the road.

Am I cock-blocking squirrels?

Autumn is here. Biking about whatever this is called I hear the beautiful crunch of leaves beneath my tires. For me, this is a reassuring sound. It sounds like a slow move towards some sort of progress. As I head towards the top of the hill, I’m glad to look down below and coast for the next several minutes.

Unfortunately, my joy takes away from squirrels. I noticed it on my bike ride today. Whenever I got close to two squirrels frolicking, pouncing on each other with abandon, they split apart. The squirrels separated into two distinct entities, rather than that one blur of fur and love. Am I cock-blocking them? Are their lives becoming worse now that I interrupted their affection with my affection for a machine?

Maybe one of those squirrels was a day trader. Perhaps he earned good money and hoped to settle down. When he woke up that morning, he noticed gray hairs on his head. Even though he can afford to live in a desirable part of Brooklyn with ease, he realizes he’s no longer young. Going through his record collection, he’s realized he’s losing his edge. The only band whose new album he got was Arcade Fire’s “The Suburbs”. Already his tastes dictate that he should be a ‘cool dad’ but without any young squirrels to look after, he’s feeling alone. Most of his friends already have a house in the suburbs; they gave up the rigors of city life. Years are passing him by as he attends more and more weddings, looking at the lovely newborns. 

The other squirrel took a more creative job. She worked at Melville House. DUMBO seemed to be changing. Though she greatly enjoyed editing Tao Lin’s “Richard Yates” book, she began to wonder if this is it. Maybe it was time to leave the city and settle down. She goes to relevant art gallery showings in Park Slope, Williamsburg, and Bushwick. But she’s starting to realize she’s getting to be the older one at these gatherings. 

That’s when he saw her. She saw him. It felt right. Each part complemented the other. Both of them shared similar moderately liberal views. Rather than move to the suburbs, they’d raise their squirrel young in the city to keep them cosmopolitan. Together they began running, jumping up and down off trees, relieved they had found each other before it was too late. No longer would they be forced to handle the cold of winter alone. Instead each of them could wrap themselves in the other one's tail, forming a perfect ying and yang of harmony.

But what the hell is that coming towards us each one exclaims simultaneously. A blue streak making a vast racket is moving at such a fast pace. Thankfully we’re squirrels so we can outrun it. But which way should we run? 

Squirrel nature dictates that they run to where they were last safe. So in the middle of the street one runs to the left, one runs to the right. Before they separate they make their final goodbyes knowing they’ll never meet again. He didn’t add her on facebook, she didn’t add him on facebook. Their meeting was so fleeting. Instead they’ll just go back to the misery of squirrel online dating, hoping to meet squirrels that don’t heavily abuse drugs and express some interest in upper-middle class things like Piet Mondrian paintings, aging YUPPIE bands like Yo La Tengo, and burying nuts in the ground.

She’ll end up meeting some squirrel who is nowhere as cool. Rather than a hip cool one like the one I tore away from her, a biology teacher for the 7^th grade will do. His last name will be pronounced “Sack-Her” as he tells her, flashing a lame grin. Together they’ll settle into some comfortable suburb outside of Chicago and he’ll insist that instead of raising the kids on religion, he wants to raise them on the morals displayed in old comic books.  Looks-wise, he’ll look strikingly similar to Gary Sinise if Gary Sinise was a squirrel.

He’ll end up meeting a squirrel at a luncheon for one of his charitable events. Together they’ll talk about the need to find a cure for autism in squirrels. Eventually as the conversation progresses both will realize they went to same Catholic schools as children. Slowly they will come closer together. Compromises will be made and the kids shall be raised by some sort of laissez-faire Catholicism, with the major sins discussed (like murder, stealing to prevent their children from climbing on furniture to take their sweets) and the minor ones left out. 

Neither squirrel shall feel as complete as they would have in the original relationship though. Each one of their partners lacks the cool, lacks the initial spark. It feels as if they are “settling down” rather than “falling in love”.

I offer my sincerest apologies to these squirrels. To relieve their pain, I too go through similar circumstances myself, as a human being. Next time I see two squirrels in the sweet throes of embrace, I’ll make sure go to the other side of the street.

2010 end of year list begins

Just randomly picked this after googling "2010". This sort of embodies Canada's true colors.

As October reaches an end, I wonder what will make my year end list. Writing each one of these reviews, I kind of get the impression that 2009 was some sort of “bumper crop” kind of year. So many great bands came out of the woodwork, and we even got a new, actually good genre. I’m still going through all the stuff I have from the year prior, and am shocked at the quality. Definitely I shall include an “apologies for 2009” section in the top list this year. 

Sure, I think that hype was uneven distributed this year. Best Coast was an alright debut, but nothing ground shaking. Same goes for the weak genre known as “Witch House” which barely registers as different enough to count as a new category. Other bands from this year mostly got hyped more than needed (like Vampire Weekend or WAVVES, neither of which is bad but not like some sort of musical savior). 

2010 wasn’t a complete wash though. I got to finally see one of my favorite bands (Beach House) get the kind of respect that they deserved.  Autechre made up for being sort of irrelevant lately with their surprising “Move of Ten”, which had some of those melody beat workouts I adore. And yeah, LCD Soundsystem came out with another album, which is pretty much a big deal anyway you cut it. Fortunately I got to see them live as well so that was a big bonus. 10 years later people care about Ariel Pink, but that should’ve happened much sooner. His style just kind of allowed for him to be proclaimed the founder of chillwave, etc. No worries though, he’s at least going to continue to get the needed attention.

Even in such a quiet year things do get overlooked. I though Keith Fullerton Whitman’s work was absolutely stunning this year, particularly the “Generator” release, but barely anyone paid attention. Toro Y Moi got passed over too, which I was disappointed about since so many other “chillwavers” got much more thumbs up. The Chris Weisman and Greg Davis collaboration got zero attention, even though it was a deeply weird and original take on ambient music. Women did get noticed, but a bit more underappreciated than I would have liked. Oh well, I guess I’ll take what I can get. 

A few old faces came back from the cold. We got the much missed Gil Scott-Heron, who put in a solid performance. Oval returned as much and perhaps flooded the market with too much product. No one had heard anything from you in about 8 years, so multiple EPs and a double disc might come off a bit strong Mr. Popp. Speaking of too much, Uffie finally released an actual album, complete with all the disappointment that was expected. And No Age came out with an album that showed an evolution towards a maturing phase without fully abandoning all that chaos that made me like them so much in the first place. 

I feel that the music I listened to and liked the most tended to be either very ambient or dance based. Deepchord Present Echospace ruled so much, as did the brand new project VHS Head, which only teased us with an EP last year.  Indignant Senility came out of nowhere with its ultra-depressing Lynch-informed doom. 

Before I write any of these bands down, I’m going to give the year some time to hand over a few last albums (cough, Panda Bear, cough). Plus, I want to give some albums a chance to shine. Arcade Fire grew on me over the album, and I feel there may be one or two albums that I’ve already listened to but perhaps not fully connected to yet. Sometimes I think bands fail to realize that music is in fact seasonal, and that realizing a sunny cheerful album over the winter is usually a terrible idea. We’ll see what other albums come my way over the next few weeks, but I feel as if most of my top list has already been made.