Autumn is here. Biking about whatever this is called I hear the beautiful crunch of leaves beneath my tires. For me, this is a reassuring sound. It sounds like a slow move towards some sort of progress. As I head towards the top of the hill, I’m glad to look down below and coast for the next several minutes.
Unfortunately, my joy takes away from squirrels. I noticed it on my bike ride today. Whenever I got close to two squirrels frolicking, pouncing on each other with abandon, they split apart. The squirrels separated into two distinct entities, rather than that one blur of fur and love. Am I cock-blocking them? Are their lives becoming worse now that I interrupted their affection with my affection for a machine?
Maybe one of those squirrels was a day trader. Perhaps he earned good money and hoped to settle down. When he woke up that morning, he noticed gray hairs on his head. Even though he can afford to live in a desirable part of Brooklyn with ease, he realizes he’s no longer young. Going through his record collection, he’s realized he’s losing his edge. The only band whose new album he got was Arcade Fire’s “The Suburbs”. Already his tastes dictate that he should be a ‘cool dad’ but without any young squirrels to look after, he’s feeling alone. Most of his friends already have a house in the suburbs; they gave up the rigors of city life. Years are passing him by as he attends more and more weddings, looking at the lovely newborns.
The other squirrel took a more creative job. She worked at Melville House. DUMBO seemed to be changing. Though she greatly enjoyed editing Tao Lin’s “Richard Yates” book, she began to wonder if this is it. Maybe it was time to leave the city and settle down. She goes to relevant art gallery showings in Park Slope, Williamsburg, and Bushwick. But she’s starting to realize she’s getting to be the older one at these gatherings.
That’s when he saw her. She saw him. It felt right. Each part complemented the other. Both of them shared similar moderately liberal views. Rather than move to the suburbs, they’d raise their squirrel young in the city to keep them cosmopolitan. Together they began running, jumping up and down off trees, relieved they had found each other before it was too late. No longer would they be forced to handle the cold of winter alone. Instead each of them could wrap themselves in the other one's tail, forming a perfect ying and yang of harmony.
But what the hell is that coming towards us each one exclaims simultaneously. A blue streak making a vast racket is moving at such a fast pace. Thankfully we’re squirrels so we can outrun it. But which way should we run?
Squirrel nature dictates that they run to where they were last safe. So in the middle of the street one runs to the left, one runs to the right. Before they separate they make their final goodbyes knowing they’ll never meet again. He didn’t add her on facebook, she didn’t add him on facebook. Their meeting was so fleeting. Instead they’ll just go back to the misery of squirrel online dating, hoping to meet squirrels that don’t heavily abuse drugs and express some interest in upper-middle class things like Piet Mondrian paintings, aging YUPPIE bands like Yo La Tengo, and burying nuts in the ground.
She’ll end up meeting some squirrel who is nowhere as cool. Rather than a hip cool one like the one I tore away from her, a biology teacher for the 7th grade will do. His last name will be pronounced “Sack-Her” as he tells her, flashing a lame grin. Together they’ll settle into some comfortable suburb outside of Chicago and he’ll insist that instead of raising the kids on religion, he wants to raise them on the morals displayed in old comic books. Looks-wise, he’ll look strikingly similar to Gary Sinise if Gary Sinise was a squirrel.
He’ll end up meeting a squirrel at a luncheon for one of his charitable events. Together they’ll talk about the need to find a cure for autism in squirrels. Eventually as the conversation progresses both will realize they went to same Catholic schools as children. Slowly they will come closer together. Compromises will be made and the kids shall be raised by some sort of laissez-faire Catholicism, with the major sins discussed (like murder, stealing to prevent their children from climbing on furniture to take their sweets) and the minor ones left out.
Neither squirrel shall feel as complete as they would have in the original relationship though. Each one of their partners lacks the cool, lacks the initial spark. It feels as if they are “settling down” rather than “falling in love”.
I offer my sincerest apologies to these squirrels. To relieve their pain, I too go through similar circumstances myself, as a human being. Next time I see two squirrels in the sweet throes of embrace, I’ll make sure go to the other side of the street.
