David Bowie once sang a song about his time as an office clerk. “Five Years” his first song off of the “Ziggy Stardust” album explained it in detail. As a devoted followed of the church of Bowie, I listen to this song whenever I’m feeling down. In fact, I even referenced this song when my boss told me I’d been there for five years. Sadly the reference was lost on him. Perhaps my singing wasn’t good enough; I doubt many people can pull off Bowie effectively.
Here’s my contribution to survival. This guide will help you get through at least five years in some entry level position. I’ve tried to structure this for someone who is just entering their workforce with a liberal arts degree. You probably have debt. You took out loans for school and now realize you have to pay it off. A job in a workplace, not working on your own, is what’s starting to come into view. Freelance photography didn’t work out for you. Don’t worry, you can do that on your two days off a week.
The experience doesn’t have to be bad. Office work is tolerable. You can do it. I believe anyone can figure out how to survive long enough in a work-environment to get money. After these five years, I don’t know what happens next in a job. Whatever occurs in the sixth year escapes my perception; I never made it that long.
Let us begin with a year by year breakdown for each year.
1. You have a pretty easy first year. Since you’re new you get some leeway. Use the leeway wisely as it evaporates around the end of the second year. Right out of school, you still have enough cool leftover from living in dorms and studying liberal arts stuff. Hopefully you’ll have a few other twenty-somethings starting out as well, though lower aged thirty-somethings without children are a suitable substitute as well. During this year figure out who you can trust down the rest of this journey. Overwhelm with quirk. By being quirky, you are forgiven more easily if you’re in a bad mood one day. Try to be nice in general, but in particular lay it on pretty thick for the first year. Delete a ton of stuff from your Facebook if you are of the ‘sharing’ persuasion. Obviously I’m not.
2. The second year requires you to go on some long vacation. You’re probably given the full mandatory two weeks off. Use all two weeks to go to a place that people nod their heads in approval to, places such as Australia, the UK, France, Brazil, The Czech Republic, etc. By doing this, you show you’re still with it and hip. Begin to bring up college dorm stories. Get a few of them really down pat. Oh yeah, you might want to start asking less questions by the end of this year or quit it altogether. Get it together and begin helping out others with their queries. Learn your business’s lingo and figure out how to subtly mock it.
3. Don’t worry, you’re halfway there. People sort of know your personality by now. At this point begin to volunteer for really small-scale projects. Nothing big, but things big enough for people to notice. They’ll say “He really gets it.” You’ll either get a better raise this year or get a small promotion. Start to figure out who the influencers are. For me, influencers are people close to a boss or supervisor but lack an actual title. Maybe these people went to high school or college with the person in power. Lavish goods and attention on these people. Anyone can suck up to their boss. By sucking up to someone without any official power you look more considerate and caring. Show up to the influencer’s birthday party or block party. Doing this can show you care not just about the job but the people there. This is important as you still have another two years to finish.
4. In this year, you should have one or two friends at work you can speak with on a person to person basis, not simply mere coworkers. Though you’re told to always be professional understand that to survive in an office setting you need to humanize it. What that means is have a few friends at work you could spend a weekend with, preferably at their summerhouse or parent’s summerhouse or them having some connection to the owners. By now, you should have a least a minor amount of credit to your name. No worries if you don’t. To build up credit, show the older people at your job one or two really cool tricks they can do with the propriety software your company creates. Every company has a mediocrely designed software program you can use to mess around with others. Don’t make the play malicious, just funny enough so in the rare case you got caught, you have that loophole.
5. At the fifth year, you’re almost done. You’re really close with all your coworkers. Even your superiors have added you as friends on Facebook. New hires look to you for advice. That ‘new hire’ smell is long gone; you’re a person who is going to be there for a long time. It is official: you are a company man/woman. Go out on a high note. When you mention you’re leaving the company, be as kind as possible. Figure out who you want to invite in your last email to all your coworkers. Try to tell your boss when you’re leaving before the required two weeks: it shows a certain amount of consideration and respect for their position. By giving so much advance notice, you’re guaranteed at the very least the company picking up the tab for your going away party. Consider this a fairly important fact, as you don’t want to pay for drinks/food when you leave. Someone will hopefully purchase you a cake while you’re at work. Keep in touch with them via Facebook but avoid creepily sending them Facebook messages. Let them contact you first before you respond.
6. Whoever makes it this far, let me know what you do for the sixth year? I didn’t make it this far. Are there hints for staying there longer?
Keep in minds that for any job, as the youngest person try to avoid abusing the young cute angle. Avoid trying to be bitter towards lazier elements in your office. Though offices can be dehumanizing places, you don’t have to act that way. Rise above the bland generic office worker stereotype. If you’re memorable for a good reason if you need to return they may be more willing to take you back. Being a worker who constantly complains or argues wins you few friends or a raise which outperforms inflation. Remember you’re all in this together. Five years is a long time to be angry at coworker. Making love is easy. Making war isn’t.
Excluding being a full-time writer or other lone wolf creative type, you will encounter a work place, most likely an office place. By having a guide I want everyone to realize the good and joy that can come from a workplace. Work seems less daunting when you enjoy or can find the Zen of work. I hope this helps you. It helped me.
