MobileMe’s Miserable Monday

                MobileMe woke up in a puddle of its own tears. This wasn’t unusual. Since February 24^th MobileMe had been ‘living on a prayer’ to quote the famous Bon Jovi song. Nobody could reach it. For a service whose job was to keep people connected it was ironic. Perhaps MobileMe would’ve laughed if it ever stopped crying. But considering its heavy use of the ‘alcohol’ and ‘tissue’ app laughing didn’t appear to be likely. 

                Steve Jobs never loved MobileMe. It thought about better times as it searched for ice cream at a local dollar store. Unfortunately MobileMe couldn’t remember any time it felt truly happy.  Nor could it find the Butter-Pecan flavored ice cream. Right from the start people heavily criticized the young service, calling it unstable. Didn’t they know what would happen if they called MobileMe unstable? It would crash a countless number of times out of pure spite. Apple users are a fickle bunch so MobileMe didn’t get hurt by the criticism. Hearing Steve Jobs say “it was not up to Apple’s standards” hurt. It hurt a lot. 

                Perhaps if Steve Jobs had read to it as a child things might have been different. Then it could’ve gained confidence. Steve never played ball with it as a child, never took it out fishing or even said he loved it. MobileMe thought of itself as a mistake. Nobody cared about it. At least it thought this was an internal problem that it might solve with the help of its therapist, Dr. Netscape. Of course this took place before that faithful Monday.

                June 6^th, 2011 marked the end of MobileMe. After being out of commission for so long it didn’t feel productive. Rather than being a cloud service it had clouds overhead each and every day. How could MobileMe find new work now that iCloud took over its position? It worked so hard at doing such a mediocre, sub-par job. Now it watched Steve Jobs and iCloud drink champagne to celebrate its induction into the Apple family. MobileMe was the black sheep of the family: all other Apple products had an ‘i’ in front of their names. By not having one, it stuck out like a sore thumb.

                What now? MobileMe asked. Apple wasn’t the only computer maker in town. It could go elsewhere. For a little while it thought of going to Gateway but upon second thought wasn’t sure 

whether or not Gateway computers had internet capabilities yet. Dolling itself up for the street, it is a street walking cheetah with a hand full of napalm. Each time a computer company executive drives by in an extended limo it comes to the window and offers its service. The rates seemed reasonable to it: $50 for quickie photo storage, $100 to put a music file way up in there. Yes, it needed to whore itself out, to prove it could make it. 

                Going through the rain to the bad part of town to its basement apartment, it would prove to Steve Jobs exactly what this ‘unstable’ cloud service could do. Quickly it finished checking Facebook and its blog hits and went to bed. Though today was dramatic perhaps tomorrow would be okay.

MDMA Films: Mumblecore Preview

                The darling duo of literary lovers Tao Lin and Megan Boyle have returned for the epic “Mumblecore” movie. Due to open in theaters on June 20^th, it is a bit different than their previous outings, meaning less drugs and no Bebe Zeva (sorry). In the preview we see what they did on a normal day. You get a ‘sneak peak’ into their relationship dynamic, something a small but vocal part of the internet wonders loudly about. And no, it isn’t a chill-ass publicity stunt, they are for real. Their love is real. 

                Neither Megan nor Tao are known for their enunciating skills. Personally, I can relate to this dilemma being a low-energy sloth. Since not everyone can understand the joy of mumbled delivery, they included subtitles. This is important. With the subtitles, you’re able to understand the true wit of these two. The mumbling gives the movie its title anyway. 

                Watching the teasingly brief trailer, we’re shown what they do. They read a book together, “Infinite Jest”. Going through Walmart at 2AM, they discover who won the National Book Award. Seeing what they see through their own eyes is great. As they carry their laptop around, you feel like a small child being introduced to a world of wonder. You learn what a “Chocolate Melter” is. Once you understand what the Chocolate Melter can do you realize America is the greatest country that God ever gave humanity. Sean Hannity was right. 

                MDMA Films has a purpose. It focuses on the minute details we overlook. Some people call it ‘boring’ or ‘gimmicky’. I disagree vehemently. Their work strips away all the nonsense we pour on top of stories, on top of Television shows and movies. Little silly details, pointless drama is cut out of the scenario. You’re given a pure, uncut depiction of the events. In a way their movies are extensions of the intensely-focused writing the two of them create.

                I enjoyed the sparseness of the trailer. At moments the trailer felt like a Valentine they made together. The one-minute mark confirms this for me. Seeing the two of them bathed in a red glow feels like their emotions have gained color. I know Tao is known for his famous ‘neutral expressions’ but here he is experiencing emotion. When he was asked on his Facebook profile if he felt emotions, he said he did. “Mumblecore” confirms that fact. Drenched in giddy silliness, you see how two starving artists are able to sustain themselves on love. At the very end of the trailer we see the two of them sitting in silence in a hotel room. That scene reminds me of “Stranger than Paradise” as Eva sits alone in the hotel room, bored. 

                Ultimately I hope they decide to have a premier for their movie. When the movie opens, I want to see Tao and Megan. As they greet people, I will not introduce myself for I am a shy sloth. Instead, I’ll find some non-descript part of the room to hide in, preferably an area with a tree for me to hang upside down on. Or perhaps I might muster all the confidence I can and shake both of their hands. The latter is less likely. 

                In either instance, I want to see Tao and Megan succeed. For too long they have been putting out quality products with little in the traditional definition of ‘money’ or ‘profit’. A rabid, internet-savvy and mostly impoverished fan-base bodes poorly for sales. They give and we take. It is high time we give them something back. On June 20^th, let’s make “Mumblecore” the highest-grossing film from MDMA films ever.

Live Reading from Brett Gallagher’s Bed

                This is the best reading I’ve seen of boykitten material. According to the event, seventy five people committed to seeing them perform live from Brett Gallagher’s bed. Of course, this is never the case. People randomly stumble upon it and those committed party members sleep in too late. Still, this ended up bringing nearly forty people together, no mean feat. Omar De Col, Aurist, and Crispin Best were there to give it a bit of British glamor. 

                Kat Dixon appeared. You may better know her as one of the best-known critics of the boykittens. It seems she’s willing to give these guys a chance. Whether or not she actually enjoyed it, I’m not sure. Throughout the reading she did appear to have fun and playfully commented on some of the silliness going on in their small space. 

                Is the internet vegan? Is water vegan? Omar knew how to ask the important questions. Brett Gallagher asked “Are Animal Crackers vegan?”  Brett had a larger issue however and it involved his penis. For his upcoming book “Vessel” he wanted to put a dick pic as the main picture for his collection. Those who were not Brett (Stephen Tully Dierks, Cassandra Nguyen, and Steve Roggenbuck) thought this to be the most obnoxious way of showing off his book. Members of the chat room had a different opinion. Since we’re on the internet we don’t have to give good advice. We expressed to Brett our unwavering support in favor of his proposal. Sex sells. 

                Omar De Col got some attention. Eyes gleaming, charming and drunken in a hot pink swimming suit he was covered in the Daily Post. Stephen read the report with a large amount of passion. Lacy Maxwell, a local reporter, spoke at length to Omar. I figure in the UK internet poets are given more coverage since there isn’t much going on there now that the royal wedding is over. Hopefully Omar and Lacy hit it off after the impromptu interview. 

                Let People Poems received at least one reading as is tradition. Reprobus has submitted a lot of stuff for the site, but he hadn’t been read before. Among other things, he discussed how he liked internet poetry when it was written in books. Basically Reprobus created replica of what an online poetry pissing contest might sound like, complete with other nonsensical references. Steve Roggenbuck’s chapbook “i am like october when i am dead” got a wink, Poncho a nod. Egyptian internet poets from the BC era, overlooked in my view, were discussed at great length.  

 

                “I don’t respect Female Expression”, Frank Hinton’s recently released chapbook received the proper respect. After the perfect reading, Stephen Tully Dierks said “Damn she can write”. Everyone agreed. While he read it I began to feel vestiges of my Catholic guilt coming in, reminding me I should probably get her book. 

                Crispin Best wrote a poem based heavily off of Aladdin. Disney clearly owes him money. I wonder how much money Crispin will get for his heartfelt tribute to the classic movie. Whatever the amount it is far too little. 

                Poncho could not make it. Unfortunately he spent the night in the Dallas-Fort Worth airport. He couldn’t even make it virtually. In honor of Poncho’s entrapment, they read “Today’s the Day!” on Metazen. To accurately capture the tone of the poem, Brett drank five beers. Completely in the zone he tried to get through the poem. Obviously his intoxication prevented him from finishing it. Stamina ended up not being there even as his mind tried sloughing through. We tweeted for him but alcohol proved to be stronger than his love of literature. Besides, Poncho writes poems on a rather epic scale. 

                Of course we got there for the bed. According to the event page on Facebook, they would be reading live from their bed. All of them looked tired as they collected into an asexual pile on the bed. They looked happy together. They looked drunk together. For a brief moment, they looked like a family of poets. We got introduced to their cat and the final segment of the broadcast. 

                Casual Encounters received a great deal of laughter. By reading these out of context, we realize how funny they really are. Seeing the expression on the quartet’s faces was priceless. According to Steve Roggenbuck, they saw more pictures than they wanted. Poetry can be found anywhere. I guess they wanted to show that to us in the grossest and funniest way possible. When people post on casual encounters they don’t think about grammar, verbs, or even coherence. It can be hard to type with only one hand. So sentences like “Just be smell like a man” make sense in the clouds of horniness. 

                I love these ustreams. Hope they continue to do these silly, goofy, and surprisingly rewarding things.

How to Survive at a Job for Five Years

  

                David Bowie once sang a song about his time as an office clerk. “Five Years” his first song off of the “Ziggy Stardust” album explained it in detail. As a devoted followed of the church of Bowie, I listen to this song whenever I’m feeling down. In fact, I even referenced this song when my boss told me I’d been there for five years. Sadly the reference was lost on him. Perhaps my singing wasn’t good enough; I doubt many people can pull off Bowie effectively. 

                Here’s my contribution to survival. This guide will help you get through at least five years in some entry level position. I’ve tried to structure this for someone who is just entering their workforce with a liberal arts degree. You probably have debt. You took out loans for school and now realize you have to pay it off. A job in a workplace, not working on your own, is what’s starting to come into view. Freelance photography didn’t work out for you. Don’t worry, you can do that on your two days off a week. 

                The experience doesn’t have to be bad. Office work is tolerable. You can do it. I believe anyone can figure out how to survive long enough in a work-environment to get money. After these five years, I don’t know what happens next in a job. Whatever occurs in the sixth year escapes my perception; I never made it that long. 

                Let us begin with a year by year breakdown for each year. 

1.       You have a pretty easy first year. Since you’re new you get some leeway. Use the leeway wisely as it evaporates around the end of the second year. Right out of school, you still have enough cool leftover from living in dorms and studying liberal arts stuff. Hopefully you’ll have a few other twenty-somethings starting out as well, though lower aged thirty-somethings without children are a suitable substitute as well. During this year figure out who you can trust down the rest of this journey. Overwhelm with quirk. By being quirky, you are forgiven more easily if you’re in a bad mood one day. Try to be nice in general, but in particular lay it on pretty thick for the first year. Delete a ton of stuff from your Facebook if you are of the ‘sharing’ persuasion. Obviously I’m not. 

2.       The second year requires you to go on some long vacation. You’re probably given the full mandatory two weeks off. Use all two weeks to go to a place that people nod their heads in approval to, places such as Australia, the UK, France, Brazil, The Czech Republic, etc. By doing this, you show you’re still with it and hip. Begin to bring up college dorm stories. Get a few of them really down pat. Oh yeah, you might want to start asking less questions by the end of this year or quit it altogether. Get it together and begin helping out others with their queries. Learn your business’s lingo and figure out how to subtly mock it. 

3.       Don’t worry, you’re halfway there. People sort of know your personality by now. At this point begin to volunteer for really small-scale projects. Nothing big, but things big enough for people to notice. They’ll say “He really gets it.” You’ll either get a better raise this year or get a small promotion. Start to figure out who the influencers are. For me, influencers are people close to a boss or supervisor but lack an actual title. Maybe these people went to high school or college with the person in power. Lavish goods and attention on these people. Anyone can suck up to their boss.  By sucking up to someone without any official power you look more considerate and caring. Show up to the influencer’s birthday party or block party. Doing this can show you care not just about the job but the people there. This is important as you still have another two years to finish. 

4.       In this year, you should have one or two friends at work you can speak with on a person to person basis, not simply mere coworkers. Though you’re told to always be professional understand that to survive in an office setting you need to humanize it. What that means is have a few friends at work you could spend a weekend with, preferably at their summerhouse or parent’s summerhouse or them having some connection to the owners. By now, you should have a least a minor amount of credit to your name. No worries if you don’t. To build up credit, show the older people at your job one or two really cool tricks they can do with the propriety software your company creates. Every company has a mediocrely designed software program you can use to mess around with others. Don’t make the play malicious, just funny enough so in the rare case you got caught, you have that loophole.

5.       At the fifth year, you’re almost done. You’re really close with all your coworkers. Even your superiors have added you as friends on Facebook. New hires look to you for advice. That ‘new hire’ smell is long gone; you’re a person who is going to be there for a long time. It is official: you are a company man/woman. Go out on a high note. When you mention you’re leaving the company, be as kind as possible. Figure out who you want to invite in your last email to all your coworkers. Try to tell your boss when you’re leaving before the required two weeks: it shows a certain amount of consideration and respect for their position. By giving so much advance notice, you’re guaranteed at the very least the company picking up the tab for your going away party. Consider this a fairly important fact, as you don’t want to pay for drinks/food when you leave. Someone will hopefully purchase you a cake while you’re at work. Keep in touch with them via Facebook but avoid creepily sending them Facebook messages. Let them contact you first before you respond.

6.       Whoever makes it this far, let me know what you do for the sixth year?  I didn’t make it this far. Are there hints for staying there longer? 

Keep in minds that for any job, as the youngest person try to avoid abusing the young cute angle. Avoid trying to be bitter towards lazier elements in your office. Though offices can be dehumanizing places, you don’t have to act that way. Rise above the bland generic office worker stereotype. If you’re memorable for a good reason if you need to return they may be more willing to take you back. Being a worker who constantly complains or argues wins you few friends or a raise which outperforms inflation. Remember you’re all in this together. Five years is a long time to be angry at coworker. Making love is easy. Making war isn’t. 

Excluding being a full-time writer or other lone wolf creative type, you will encounter a work place, most likely an office place. By having a guide I want everyone to realize the good and joy that can come from a workplace. Work seems less daunting when you enjoy or can find the Zen of work. I hope this helps you. It helped me.

Omar De Col

                Omar De Col is some British poetry guy. When I look at his name, I think he could be a historical figure who was well known for collecting exotic insects. I don’t know why his name does this for me. Perhaps it’s the “De” which creates an unnecessary pause in my mind. Also, I want to call him Omar De LOL for when he does something funny.

                Most of what he does is genuinely funny. Even his Tumblr shows off his mix of honesty and humor. It gives off a feeling of sweetness and confidence in short concise sentences or phrases. Plus the name of it “Avant-Garde Bagpipe Solos” goes well with my fictitious genre “Polka Noise”. The explanation of his work is 

                “this a collection of thoughts/stories/poems inspired mostly by red bull, residual (post/pre-masturbation) horniness and boredom” 

                Most of Tumblr should have this as a warning. At least Omar had the good sense of stating the obvious. It’s this humor which makes his limited amount of work so enjoyable. Most of his poetry appears either on his Tumblr or on LetPeoplePoems, a sweet site which allows people to submit their poetry. His poem about a deaf pigeon was the first submission.

                “Re Frank Hinton” was based off of his internet affection for Frank Hinton. For those of you unaware of her work, Frank Hinton runs Metazen. I like her poetry. She lives in a cloud of smoke in a part of Canada which other Canadians consider really boring. Internet crushes are hard he tells us. Having a crush on an internet enigma like Frank Hinton is even harder. As an added addition, he had this one go viral on Steve Roggenbuck’s Facebook wall. While it went viral, various individuals mentioned new poetic ways of using social media. I told someone to get a Cherry Coke.

                Two of his other poems are even more absurd. “Right before I come” mentions 60s movies stars and why he can’t bring M&Ms to work. His Omar.com one on LetPeoplePoems is fantastic. Instead of it being pure text, he uses a screen-shot of his poem, similar to how Frank Hinton used in “unrequested livejasmin.com pop-up”. Unlike that one, he openly wanted to use the Omar.com site to branch out to every part of the Omar demographic. Plus, he’ll monetize it hard and bring about joy through social networking.

                Another one of his poems “so hawny” expresses his joy at being aroused sexually. Food items become objects of affection. The mention of marmalade helps me remember just how British he is because we don’t believe in that shit here in America. In America we fuck pies. By the end we get to the age old question of whether or not life is better having fucked a jar of peanut butter or simply leaving it alone. Personally, I feel it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. He expresses similar feelings in the poem "long distance relationships" where sex is had over Skype. Omar is a dreamer.

                I’ve only been exposed to a little more than this from his Tumblr. Most of his Tumblr is made up of ridiculous images with even more ridiculous captions. Out of all of them, I enjoyed the Buddha statue the most. Omar is just beginning, but I want him to continue. Continue with this train of thought Omar De Col, I want to continue using your sweet name. Holy crap he’s also on twitter as “Holiecrap”. 

                PS: Let me know if you prefer to be called Omar De LOL

Reactions to a Facebook Relationship Status Change

                 

                Facebook rules our lives. Those few who manage to avoid going on Facebook may not count as actual human beings. I’m sorry, it wasn’t my decision. Being unable to be effectively stalked online may mean that you aren’t doing enough interesting things, or you could just be computer illiterate. 

                Either way, the Relationship Status on Facebook may be one of the telltale signs of who is paying attention to you. Personally, I don’t use my relationship status thing. I prefer to keep things a mystery to most people. Besides, in this new age, with countless amounts of near-relationships, what constitutes an actual relationship depends on the perspective of said individuals.

                Let’s start with going into a relationship. “_____ is now in a relationship”. This aspect usually has the following actions:

1.       About a million people ‘like’ it, since they don’t actually have to type anything out.

2.       More creative people include boring adjectives to describe how happy they are for you. Words like “awesome” “Congrats” and others are used with a certain degree of affection. Depending on how long you’ve been single or not even using the comments might be stronger. Being single for most of your existence will probably result in some wisecrack stating “Finally” or “Really?” 

3.       Your now significant other will write something cute or coy, such as “I love this <3” or another equally adorable thing.

4.       Whoever you had been unsuccessfully hitting on feels nothing but the utmost relief.

5.       That friend, who always had a thing for you gets sad, buys chocolate and watches “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” as they tear up around the 51 minute mark. 

6.       Generally speaking, you get action the next time you meet up with your mate, as a way of consummating the online relationship.  

7.       Finally your parents begin to worry a little less about you and begin creating composite sketches of what the grandchildren will look like. Of course, this assumes your parents added you as a friend on Facebook, an idea not encouraged in principle as well as practice. 

8.       Stalkers of your profile come out. You know those creepy people who look at your profile more often than is socially acceptable. Perhaps you went to college with them and haven’t spoken to them in a couple of years. As you read their comment, you think to yourself “Who is this guy?” 

Obviously this relationship is moot if it is done as a joke with another best friend. People are able to see the differences between sincere and insincere for the most part on the internet, since nearly everyone spends more time interacting online than in real life. 

                 Now we’re going to move to a darker place in the relationship status field. Whether or not you meant for it to happen, it has happened. Your once solid relationship has broken down, through no fault of your own (though maybe it is your fault, I don’t know your situation). By the time you’ve gotten yourself composed enough to approach the computer after an undefined period of solitary grief, consumption of junk food, and various other forms of comfort. As people see the broken heart, they react in a few ways:

1.       They ‘like’ it, since liking things is always the easiest step. Usually they don’t mean it, but with so many other things going on in their feed, they might as well like everything. Or, less commonly, they might have genuinely disliked your partner.

2.       A few people bust out their dog-eared copy of “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and write some pointless, sentimental garbage. It is supposed to make you feel better, but it just makes you sad and angry that somebody made money putting clichés into a book and offering it up as advice.

3.       Whatever relatives have friended you offer you the chance to meet a friend of a friend who works at a local library. They arrange a scenario where you check out the librarian’s favorite book and attempt to ask them out.

4.       Mutual friends realize they need to pick a side and create various charts and graphs in an attempt to friend the ‘cooler’ or ‘better’ friend. If the breakup is amicable, this doesn’t happen. But if it is a bitter breakup filled with angry words, they usually de-friend one of the two people.

5.       Some stalker comes out of the woodwork and offers an opportunity to hang out. This can be either a way for them to revisit the crush they had for you long ago. Or it could just be an opportunity to hang out with other lonely people as you two navigate the sheer awfulness of online dating. 

6.       One person at the very least is genuinely happy you’re out of the relationship. Either they hated your partner or are a bit clingy and now can try to monopolize all of your free time. Bars generally are included by this person. In your time hanging out with this person, they bash your former partner so harshly you end up accidently defending the heartbreaker. 

The best approach to posting relationship statuses online: don’t do it. If one of you has and the other one hasn’t, that lets you know who the more social person in the relationship is.

Are Blogs Waning: A Report

                  Recently the New York Times had an article which hit a bit too close to home: blogs were declining in popularity. I sat there, reading up, tears welling up in my eyes at the horrible news. That draft I had been working on my blog might not be as significant anymore or remotely significant. Wondering if this was true all over, high-tailed it over to Hipster Runoff. After seeing Carles’ absolutely pathetic and sad meta-joke on the entire online hipster community ‘The Mainstreamer’ I thought they might be right. 

                Composing myself, I realized the New York Times hasn’t been right about a lot of things. Maybe there was something more than news compelling them to write such vicious material. The writers of the New York Times must know their days of being a newspaper are limited. Who are they to report on blogs and the state of blog affairs? Why can’t we have the President of the Blog-O-Sphere come out and reject such slander in her state of the Blog Address.

                “The State of our Blog has never been stronger. We produce more Memes than any other country on Earth.”

                While some people have turned exclusively to twitter and Facebook, most use them as supplements, rather than full-on platforms. In other words, you have to have tough skin for the internet. Michael McDonald, the young man they profiled in their extended piece, clearly didn’t have the guts for what blog life is all about. Rather than expand his blogging presence through dubious tweets and so on, he went all lame on it. Using the gripe of ‘not enough people visited my blog’ he closed up shop for good.

                If I were this kid’s friend, I would have told him to stick with it. Blogging takes a long time; it is more of a slow burn than a flare up. Simply posting stuff up doesn’t mean you’re going to get noticed, you’ve got to be creative. Create a Facebook profile whose single purpose is trolling other sites, implanting your blog presence elsewhere. Begin to connect with other bloggers, write something people want to read. Technical blogs don’t do so hot; you have to inject some truth and understanding into there at some point. Stating ‘all the people I want to reach are on Facebook’ it is clear he wanted positive feedback rather than constructive criticism (I’ve been able to accept constructive criticism due to my arm’s length approach to this doodad).

                Children 12 to 17 saw a 50% decrease in the amount of blogging. Good, what the fuck do tweens blog about? I don’t really care about how hard you have it in Middle School, in High School. I’m sorry lunch today was applesauce, lasagna, and cornbread, but just eat it. You have to go through some serious stuff, some interesting stuff before you can write turgid, long-winded posts like the ones better bloggers have. 

                Showing a decrease in the amount of bloggers doesn’t bother me in the least. Thinning the ranks a little bit can be a good thing. Having become familiar with other blogs, I’d say there’s always better and better stuff coming out. By staying around longer, you can ‘hone’ your ‘blogging chops’ and do a better job. Writing doesn’t come naturally to me; I had to work at this kind of work. Hopefully I’ve become a little better of a writer through various amounts of criticism. 

                Blogs offer a certain amount of conversation. I enjoy speaking with other bloggers. We help one another and form a community which is strong. Sure, I think the opinionated tag works for a lot of blogs, but those tend to be more political blogs, something I try to avoid on here. Besides, in case you’re more interested in the visual arts, Tumblr offers a great way of showing off your skills, probably much better than Blogspot does.

                Don’t let the New York Times lord over you. Stay strong fellow writers, bloggers, Google Bombers, Flarfers, and whatever else exists exclusively on the internet that I haven’t mentioned. Together we’ll make these Chains of Love.

The King of Limbs

                Since I’m a music blog, I’m contractually obligated to tell you Radiohead released an album on Friday called “The King of the Limbs”. Honestly, I find it a bit unchill how their album celebrates a guy who sells severed limbs to hospitals, but that’s a whole other argument altogether. I got the album, listened to it, and realized I’m on the wrong side of 20 for this kind of music.

                Radiohead exploits the gray zone between pop and experimental, without being satisfying in either respect. I used to like Radiohead as a teenager, lapping up “Ok Computer” and “Kid A”. While I still enjoy both those albums, I don’t have the same level of fondness I used to have. Rather, as I listen to Thom Yorke’s incessant whining, I wonder was I this insufferable as a teenager? Was I really this angst-ridden, over a situation which didn’t merit such a dark response? Oh boo-hoo, I grew up in a suburb where I didn’t belong.  My life was so hard.

                If you’re under the age of 20, this kind of stuff should resonate. You ought to be able to connect with Thom Yorke’s opaque lyrics talking about his poor suffering life:

                “Oh poor me, I’m worth several hundred million dollars. I sell albums to kids who think they have actual problems. People generally find me weird and allow me to do crazy spastic dances under the pretense of ‘art’. Everybody has to like my albums or suffer the consequences of being ostracized as a ‘snob’ or ‘idiot’.”

                Kids I’m certain sit in the back of the bus, connecting with this on some level. I know I did. They’re sad they live in a smaller split level than their friends. Wearing that Radiohead sharp-toothed teddy bear patch, they feel the false discomfort Thom expresses. Life is hard when you live at home in an upper-middle class suburb and are fully financially supported by your parents. 

                What bothers me most is how Radiohead seems to have coasted most of this decade. Considering the ever-decreasing quality of their product, you’d think someone might be willing to tell them to be a bit more ambitious in their undertakings. Simply using a different marketing ploy isn’t the same as producing a product on par with their late 90s stuff. Now they have some sort of critical tenure. 

                Critical reception is guaranteed to be warm. Pitchfork has a grading system specifically for the band, grading on a scale from 9.0 to 10.0, rather than something more in line with the actual item itself. Those who do offer constructive criticism (like the Needle Drop, kudos to you good sir) are attacked by a rabid, internet-dwelling fan base. Indeed, their fan base is so dedicated I wonder whether or not it ought to count as a cult. Probably the fact its fan base tends to be so articulate adds to their aurora. 

                “Oh, we can’t be bad, look at all the colorful adjectives and references people use when writing about how great we are.” –Thom Yorke 

                Personally, I don’t like what’s happening. Radiohead is becoming a ‘dinosaur act’ where they only need to occasionally come out with a product every couple years. No matter how far they’ve fallen, they are graded on a curve since they are Radiohead. I’m upset because I don’t want such a thing to happen, because I think they were good, can still be good and simply fell into a rut where they could produce a product with a near-guarantee people will purchase it. Rather than saying ‘Radiohead is stupid. I never listened to them.’ I did actually listen to them, hence why I have so much concern for where they are going (or not going in their case). 

                Each one of Radiohead’s post OK Computer or Kid A offered me enough to latch onto, whether it was “Knives Out” from Amnesiac, “A Punchup at a Wedding” from Hail to the Thief, or “Jigsaw Falling Into Place” from In Rainbows. Here, I can’t find anything which encourages me to continue following them. Maybe this is where I finally leave them for good, unable to find any bright spots alluding to a bright future as a band.  My friends feel differently of course. 

                Reading my friends’ Facebook walls for this, I worry. All of them appear to be too old for this kind of moping. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it is good. Having listened to it, I don’t see any evidence of quality. Instead, they just took some songs from random sessions, said “Hey, that doesn’t sound totally half-assed, let’s release that” and they did it. Thom Yorke did a spastic dance for a music video and they’re done. 

 How someone after the age of 20 finding meaning in this worries me. Sure, this works wonders as you brood by yourself in your youth, but I thought people were supposed to grow out of this feeling. As I grow older, Radiohead doesn’t. It stays in the same mood, same age, covering the same territory, constantly disappointed by some unspeakable, unknowable force. I wanted them to grow old with me, to mature into constantly new sounds. 

Radiohead needs to grow up. I did.

My Growing Addiction to Twitter (A True Story)

                When I first got my twitter, I felt confused. I didn’t know how to use it. Rather, I ended up updating it with random sentences I found in articles I thought were funny. Later, after consulting with some of my hip friends, I learned that it could serve as some sort of bookmark database. Essentially, I could have it as an extension of my online brain.

                For a while, I coasted with this idea. Others took it to more adventurous heights, tying it directly to Facebook. Personally, I found such an approach aggravating and as a cheap way of finding people to follow you. Most of my friends began gaining followers this way, by the sheer fact that they knew many of these people in real life. How I decided to do this was to have almost exclusively people add me based on the content of my tweets instead of the content of my character.

                My twitter content remained too uninteresting for most people. No one followed me as I blazed through countless amounts of music links, political links, etc. Honestly, I didn’t mind. Twitter felt alone to me, as a place to reflect on my slowing growing interest in all things net-based. 

                Things changed. After this blog got started, I began thinking about new ways of using twitter. Almost immediately I changed the twitter name to its current name. Links were posted so one could find this more clearly. Hash tags began to be used with ever increasing amounts of abandon. I didn’t care if my review of Mouse on Mar’s album had anything to do with #bringingsexybackthursday. 

                Eventually though, something had to change. My hash tags became more accurate. One day, I lost my tweet at virginity to none other than that scamp, Kari Ferrell (aka the Hipster Grifter). After my in-depth article I wrote about her, she sent me the tweet that forever changed my tweeting world. It simply said:

                “hotdoghandjobs@Beach_Sloth: Everything you said is true, but you forgot about the part where I had seven abortions.”

                I guess she must have googled herself to find my article. She might have searched through hashtags. All I know is she popped my twitter cherry, I was free to frolic within the character limit of 140 words. For that, I’d like to offer her my greatest thanks. 

                After my first twitter hookup, I began to look for something more meaningful, less one-night stand-ish. Slowly I realized entire friendships; relationships could be forged in little, well-thought-out phrases. I could distill the essence of my character into a beautiful phrase, a broken little piece of poetry one might love me by. People became more receptive to me after they realized I wrote large scale pieces as well. Writing articles, reviews, other blurbs garnered me some sort of ‘twitter chops’ proving I could work in a larger format when I wanted.

                Now, after these followers have begun to truly know me, I can never go back. Forever I must respond to others, to interact within a web of similar, like-minded people. In many ways twitter feels freer than the average social network. I can remain completely anonymous, obscure, and distant, mirroring the approach I take with this blog. No one who knows or has met me in real life ever followed me on twitter, so I have complete freedom over the content.

                Plus, while I initially possessed some snobbishness about prolific twitters, I now realize how much of a skill that is. Few Americans actually use twitter or have an account (the percentage is about 6%) so more than most other platforms, you might actually be speaking directly to that very person rather than ‘somebody who handles their website’. Such intimacy while remaining so distant is a great pull. It is easy to update twitter, and most artists/musicians aren’t particularly web savvy, so it’s ideal for them.

                I’ve made many friends through twitter. You know who you people are. You’ve made my life more meaningful, more relevant through your tweets at me. Direct messages are even better; I adore those since they rarely are spam and can be pure emotion. 

                My worry would be if I end up getting too addicted to the constant updates. At times it feels like some sort of addiction, wanting the instant gratification that it undoubtedly brings. I know appreciation should take time, so I’m trying to temper my need for such a quick impulse. Hopefully I’ll continue to meet some of the strangest people possible without the joy or fear of ever having to meet them in person. Though if I ever met one of my followers or person I was following in person, I’d probably know much more about them than I’d be willing to admit. Add me on twitter by going here: Beach_Sloth