Rainbow 6’s worst selling game: Assailin’ Palin

                I sold out. I admit it. When Tom Clancy wired me tens of thousands of dollars to promote his latest first person shooter, who was I to say no. Clancy had heard of my blog since he’s a big fan of online internet poetry. According to Clancy he originally wanted to be a poet. Once he realized he could make more money writing the plot to a single book and switching the details 800 times he gave up on poetry. Besides he never figured out a way to include his love of tactical assault teams into free verse. 

                We get to the worst selling game of the Rainbow 6 game series: Assailin’ Palin. This game came about after Palin failed to remember the plot for Clancy’s best-selling book “Rainbow Six”. Clancy could have forgiven Mrs. Palin for not reading one of his books. Instead, Clancy decided to make a passive-aggressive game where you storm her compound to free hostages she’s taken in an angry rage against the government.

                The gameplay and plot is fantastic. I enjoyed the realistic bloodshed. Of course Clancy has the attention to detail regarding the caliber of weapon, the make, the model, and the body armor needed to survive such an assault. A few changes to the usual formula make this the most captivating game out of the entire Rainbow 6 collection.

                Your team has been captured by a bloodthirsty Sarah Palin. Staring blankly at the ceiling you wallow in despair. For the first twenty minutes of the game you go on a raging bender fueled by alcohol. Upon the end of your bender you develop a Urinary Tract Infection from a prostitute and drink cranberry juice to get rid of it. This is a basic hint: Walmart offers a two for one sale on Cranberry juice. Later on in the game when you have to purchase meat to throw at bears you’ll realize how great the savings were by shopping at Walmart. 

                Once you overcome your Urinary Tract Infection you call your contact in Northern North Dakota. Meeting at an undisclosed location you gather intelligence on the ruthlessness and cruelty of Sarah Palin. You watch countless (real) clips of Sarah messing up Republican talking points. Try to avoid watching these clips for too long by pressing the letters “F” “O” and “X” in rapid succession about two or three times. Upon finishing your contact hands you a book called “Going Rogue” which outlines Palin’s descent into utter madness with cutesy folksy sayings. 

                Her Alaska compound is heavily fortified and called “The Mama Grizzly”. Your team is less skilled than you are used to forcing you to instill some sense of discipline. Glenn one of your team members recalls once having interviewed her. Rather than offer insight into her condition Glenn mostly drops acid and surfs behind your boat. The captain who brings you up to the fortress (John) mutters near-incoherently about everything she cost him. Use these team members sparingly. John provides chewing gum and Glenn has a near endless supply of Diet Soda. Don’t expect much more help than that. 

                Arriving near her compound you begin to encounter her talk radio show hosted by herself and her colleague Greta. You must remain low as guards hunt deer and people from helicopters. Bears are a problem. The cold nearly destroys your will to fight. Whenever night falls you must head towards the library one of the few unpatrolled parts of the game. In the game you head towards the action section of the library meeting a rugged handsome former Navy Seal named Clom Tancy. Clom prepares you and your crewmates for battle. Once you finish your training it becomes almost unbearably horrific in terms of bloodshed. 

                Tom Clancy received overwhelmingly negative scores for this game with reviewers stating “Simply let it go” and “This is the pettiest computer game I’ve seen since “Axl Rose beats the fuck out of Slash for eight and a half hours””. Most of the reviews focused on the fact that anyone who plays “Rainbow 6” has a generally favorable view of Palin (98% of Rainbow Six players have a favorable view of Palin) so the franchise is going to be heavily in the red for this game. As someone who has received $45,000 from Tom Clancy I guarantee you this product is worth it.

MDMA Films: Mumblecore Preview

                The darling duo of literary lovers Tao Lin and Megan Boyle have returned for the epic “Mumblecore” movie. Due to open in theaters on June 20^th, it is a bit different than their previous outings, meaning less drugs and no Bebe Zeva (sorry). In the preview we see what they did on a normal day. You get a ‘sneak peak’ into their relationship dynamic, something a small but vocal part of the internet wonders loudly about. And no, it isn’t a chill-ass publicity stunt, they are for real. Their love is real. 

                Neither Megan nor Tao are known for their enunciating skills. Personally, I can relate to this dilemma being a low-energy sloth. Since not everyone can understand the joy of mumbled delivery, they included subtitles. This is important. With the subtitles, you’re able to understand the true wit of these two. The mumbling gives the movie its title anyway. 

                Watching the teasingly brief trailer, we’re shown what they do. They read a book together, “Infinite Jest”. Going through Walmart at 2AM, they discover who won the National Book Award. Seeing what they see through their own eyes is great. As they carry their laptop around, you feel like a small child being introduced to a world of wonder. You learn what a “Chocolate Melter” is. Once you understand what the Chocolate Melter can do you realize America is the greatest country that God ever gave humanity. Sean Hannity was right. 

                MDMA Films has a purpose. It focuses on the minute details we overlook. Some people call it ‘boring’ or ‘gimmicky’. I disagree vehemently. Their work strips away all the nonsense we pour on top of stories, on top of Television shows and movies. Little silly details, pointless drama is cut out of the scenario. You’re given a pure, uncut depiction of the events. In a way their movies are extensions of the intensely-focused writing the two of them create.

                I enjoyed the sparseness of the trailer. At moments the trailer felt like a Valentine they made together. The one-minute mark confirms this for me. Seeing the two of them bathed in a red glow feels like their emotions have gained color. I know Tao is known for his famous ‘neutral expressions’ but here he is experiencing emotion. When he was asked on his Facebook profile if he felt emotions, he said he did. “Mumblecore” confirms that fact. Drenched in giddy silliness, you see how two starving artists are able to sustain themselves on love. At the very end of the trailer we see the two of them sitting in silence in a hotel room. That scene reminds me of “Stranger than Paradise” as Eva sits alone in the hotel room, bored. 

                Ultimately I hope they decide to have a premier for their movie. When the movie opens, I want to see Tao and Megan. As they greet people, I will not introduce myself for I am a shy sloth. Instead, I’ll find some non-descript part of the room to hide in, preferably an area with a tree for me to hang upside down on. Or perhaps I might muster all the confidence I can and shake both of their hands. The latter is less likely. 

                In either instance, I want to see Tao and Megan succeed. For too long they have been putting out quality products with little in the traditional definition of ‘money’ or ‘profit’. A rabid, internet-savvy and mostly impoverished fan-base bodes poorly for sales. They give and we take. It is high time we give them something back. On June 20^th, let’s make “Mumblecore” the highest-grossing film from MDMA films ever.