Facebook rules our lives. Those few who manage to avoid going on Facebook may not count as actual human beings. I’m sorry, it wasn’t my decision. Being unable to be effectively stalked online may mean that you aren’t doing enough interesting things, or you could just be computer illiterate.
Either way, the Relationship Status on Facebook may be one of the telltale signs of who is paying attention to you. Personally, I don’t use my relationship status thing. I prefer to keep things a mystery to most people. Besides, in this new age, with countless amounts of near-relationships, what constitutes an actual relationship depends on the perspective of said individuals.
Let’s start with going into a relationship. “_____ is now in a relationship”. This aspect usually has the following actions:
1. About a million people ‘like’ it, since they don’t actually have to type anything out.
2. More creative people include boring adjectives to describe how happy they are for you. Words like “awesome” “Congrats” and others are used with a certain degree of affection. Depending on how long you’ve been single or not even using the comments might be stronger. Being single for most of your existence will probably result in some wisecrack stating “Finally” or “Really?”
3. Your now significant other will write something cute or coy, such as “I love this <3” or another equally adorable thing.
4. Whoever you had been unsuccessfully hitting on feels nothing but the utmost relief.
5. That friend, who always had a thing for you gets sad, buys chocolate and watches “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” as they tear up around the 51 minute mark.
6. Generally speaking, you get action the next time you meet up with your mate, as a way of consummating the online relationship.
7. Finally your parents begin to worry a little less about you and begin creating composite sketches of what the grandchildren will look like. Of course, this assumes your parents added you as a friend on Facebook, an idea not encouraged in principle as well as practice.
8. Stalkers of your profile come out. You know those creepy people who look at your profile more often than is socially acceptable. Perhaps you went to college with them and haven’t spoken to them in a couple of years. As you read their comment, you think to yourself “Who is this guy?”
Obviously this relationship is moot if it is done as a joke with another best friend. People are able to see the differences between sincere and insincere for the most part on the internet, since nearly everyone spends more time interacting online than in real life.
Now we’re going to move to a darker place in the relationship status field. Whether or not you meant for it to happen, it has happened. Your once solid relationship has broken down, through no fault of your own (though maybe it is your fault, I don’t know your situation). By the time you’ve gotten yourself composed enough to approach the computer after an undefined period of solitary grief, consumption of junk food, and various other forms of comfort. As people see the broken heart, they react in a few ways:
1. They ‘like’ it, since liking things is always the easiest step. Usually they don’t mean it, but with so many other things going on in their feed, they might as well like everything. Or, less commonly, they might have genuinely disliked your partner.
2. A few people bust out their dog-eared copy of “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and write some pointless, sentimental garbage. It is supposed to make you feel better, but it just makes you sad and angry that somebody made money putting clichés into a book and offering it up as advice.
3. Whatever relatives have friended you offer you the chance to meet a friend of a friend who works at a local library. They arrange a scenario where you check out the librarian’s favorite book and attempt to ask them out.
4. Mutual friends realize they need to pick a side and create various charts and graphs in an attempt to friend the ‘cooler’ or ‘better’ friend. If the breakup is amicable, this doesn’t happen. But if it is a bitter breakup filled with angry words, they usually de-friend one of the two people.
5. Some stalker comes out of the woodwork and offers an opportunity to hang out. This can be either a way for them to revisit the crush they had for you long ago. Or it could just be an opportunity to hang out with other lonely people as you two navigate the sheer awfulness of online dating.
6. One person at the very least is genuinely happy you’re out of the relationship. Either they hated your partner or are a bit clingy and now can try to monopolize all of your free time. Bars generally are included by this person. In your time hanging out with this person, they bash your former partner so harshly you end up accidently defending the heartbreaker.
The best approach to posting relationship statuses online: don’t do it. If one of you has and the other one hasn’t, that lets you know who the more social person in the relationship is.