March 28th, 2011
Dear Gawker,
Remember video games? You know the fun first person shooter ones. The ones where you’d be shot by your dorm roommate in a rather unflattering matter (you were sniping as they shot you in the back with a shotgun). In case this wasn’t enough, they proceeded to do a dance on your corpse. After this, they’d laugh and say “You got owned” over and over again, until the words lost their meaning.
Well, you got owned by Carles, of the popular weblog Hipster Runoff.
I’m sorry. Carles does this on occasion in order to gauge interest in his blog. Usually it garners enough advertising revenue from this event to help him purchase a new computer, wide screen TV, finance a vacation to the Apple Store, or just a wild reckless night out on the town. Apparently whoever at Gawker received the email might not have been aware of this gimmick, though Carles puts it into his own bio on his website.
No job with his uncle existed. When you saw the interest he had working for another blog that was a ruse. Though to be honest I could see him working for Gawker, he has a lot of affection for your site, doing interviews, winning Hipster of the Decade and whatnot. But I’m not sure if he could work in an office. Reading his older posts, he has reservations about office work, like so many creative twenty somethings. I mean, who wants to live under the glare of emotionless white bulbs. Nobody does.
This time he did act a little differently. By emailing you he wanted to heighten the sense of drama involving his periodic meltdown. People wouldn’t have gotten as upset had he not notified the authorities. According to Carles, you are the internet authorities of culture. I mean, look at all the coverage you give to other internet-based writers.
Signs had been present which might have suggested Carles was at the end of his rope. Introducing the Museum of Modern Alt alongside the Mainstreamer might have hinted perhaps Carles was running out of ideas. Constant competitions for Hipster Runoff involving people’s submitted pictures gave the impression Carles was ‘running on empty’. The post he had on his own firsts policy could have lead you astray, I grant you that much.
But really, I am trying to apply for a position as the new coverage man for Hipster Runoff. I know Gawker has some serious blog bucks. Honestly, I’m pretty poor right now. Your money would be put to good use in keeping a sleepy, poverty stricken part of the internet alive. Don’t worry, I won’t cover Hipster Runoff like HRO Exegesis, there’s already a guy doing it. Plus, as an added bonus, I’m a respected poster on the Hipster Runoff blog, if that means anything, which it doesn’t besides to show off what I read during my lunch break.
Various other people from Hipster Runoff called Carles’ gimmick out as well. Claiming he’ll have some vaguely ridiculous, possibly hour-long Podcast explaining nothing in many words, they were validated. After being proven right, they got some sweet tweets thrown their way. Maybe one or two of them might like a cushy office blog job.
For all those who called out the hoax, there were far more who were deeply worried. Believing falsely Carles was serious since he’d never punk Gawker, they fell for it. Just like you. So don’t feel bad, plenty other Hipster Runoff watchers read this one wrong.
Really though, would you prefer he followed through on his idle threat? I guess occasionally Carles just wants some coaxing. He needs phone calls telling him how important he is in generating content we all consume. Whether or not we like it is no longer important. Instead, he deliberately stirs up the pot. If Gawker decided Beach Sloth would do a good job covering Hipster Runoff, I promise you I’d needlessly create blog beefs between Gawker and Carles. They’d be similar to Tao Lin, who you now adore, but the build-up and drama between the two of you kept things interesting. Hipster Runoff needs beefs (whether it is between him and Best Coast) so I feel an entire website versus him might result in something even better than him versus a perpetually stoned cat lady.
Carles I’m certain would be game for this beef. Anything which could drum up attention for his blog seems like a win-win. I promise I might do a better job of figuring out when Carles will quit his blog, which I know will be never. Blogging is a hell of a drug. Forever and ever, he’ll stay in our hearts. Even when people hate Carles, they heart him deep down on the inside. They want to get vulnerable with him, via Facebook, via Twitter, via the comment section. So beloved was Carles they even started a relevancy funeral Tumblr to celebrate one of the fallen fearless few.
I hope this reaches you before you before you have to do some silly about-face on the internet. With me in charge of Hipster Runoff Relevancy coverage, I offer to do nothing but provoke the anonymous blogger. For we’re all a part of this great blog-o-sphere, constantly trying to outdo one another, and what could be better than a blog battle?
Sincerely,
Beach Sloth