Steve Albini’s Missed Career Opportunities

                Steve Albini is a curmudgeon’s curmudgeon. Indie snobs of the bitter caliber revere him as a lost-God, the original prototype for independent rock. Wearing beat-up outfits and a perpetual scowl, he created the template for countless passionate music fans. The thick-framed glasses complete the picture. 

                None of this would have been possible without his influential bands: from Big Black to Rapeman to the most current group: Shellac. All of these show his skill as a musician and a pundit. His writing is about as abrasive as his music. But I wonder had he not followed a music path what other jobs might have been available to him. I hadn’t thought of this before. Reading Steve’s cooking blog made me think: what if he had been a cook? Would he say “Bam” a lot without it meaning anything? Could a live audience tolerate him the way his devout rock followers do?

                Below are some of the potential jobs I think Mr. Albini would enjoy. Since I never saw him as a cook, my entire perception of reality has been turned upside down. I no longer know what is up, what is down, what is left, what is wrong and what is right. 

1.       Bartender – Most bartenders are forced into one of two situations: to sympathize with patrons or completely ignore them. Steve wouldn’t do either. Foraging a third path, he’d listen to your problems and call you a loser. Not just any loser, but one of the worst humans complaining about things 90% of humanity wish they had as problems. This unorthodox approach would earn international fame and fortune. He’d also be an expert at making mixed drinks. Among the drinks he’d perfect would be:

A.      A Shut the Hell Up

B.      A Shut the Hell Up

C.      A Shut the Hell Up

D.      A Shut the Hell UP

E.       A Shut the Hell Up

F.       A Shut the Hell Up

G.     A Shut the Hell Up

H.      A Shut the Hell Up

I.        A Shut the Hell Up

J.        A Wu Wu

2.       Judge on American Idol – As someone who has a unique perspective on American music, I think he’d make a fine judge on American Idol. His criticism would focus on individuality rather than commonly accepted standards of ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Even though he made a band called “Rapeman” that’s still considerably less disturbing than looking at Steven Tyler’s face. Let’s say an average ‘good’ contestant appears on American Idol. Here’s what the reviews of his performance might look like:

A.      Randy Jackson – That was wonderful. I’m digging your sweet voice.

B.      Jennifer Lopez – Wow, baby I’m amazed. You’re going places.

C.      Steve Albini – You know, your voice embodies all that is wrong with American music. It lacks any sort of distinct feel, or soul. Music is supposed to move people. Rather than do that, your voice reminds me of a eunuch except a eunuch has more balls than your music. Corporation America probably creamed its pants when it heard your squeaky clean, pitch-perfect performance. I’ll pass. Someday I’ll hear your music try to sell me toothpaste, tampons, or a Toyoda. None of what you do will amount to anything. While money is your goal, you’ll see very little of it. Going through a modern-day record contract is like reading a book by Marquis De Sade. You can’t even imagine what these companies are going to do. Oh yeah, those brownies your mother brought in for everyone. Well, they taste like Kim Gordon's dried-out asshole. 

3.       Accountant – You’d think this is a weird profession. All my accountant friends recharge my cool batteries whenever I’m running low. I have a certain degree of respect for a profession requiring absolute concentration on absolute tedium. Plus, as Steve did that now-legendary article “The Problem with Music” which broke down how doomed a band is by the amount of cuts a record label took from the bottom line. 

4.       Professional Blogger – Steve Albini might have been the first snarky blogger. Even before blogs existed, he wrote terse, to the point critiques. Long ago, he wrote for these things called “Magazines” where he wrote emotionally charged pieces hurling insults with great abandon. Considering how controversial he remains, even after several decades have passed, he’d probably be a fine blogger. The cooking blog may be one of the first steps towards creating a snarky blog, like a “Hipster Runoff” for the 35+ set. Perhaps his advertisers might include vinyl record stores, the “Touch & Go” label, and dog toys. 

While I’d like him to influence more, I guess I should be content with what he has accomplished. Creating several highly influential bands during the bleak decade known as the “80s” is incredible. He helped out countless good, mostly poor bands. The recording studio he has in Chicago is legendary. I guess he’s probably better off focusing on the music. Maybe in a few years we’ll get another Shellac album. Here’s hoping he doesn’t go overboard with blogging. Blogging is a hell of a drug.

Re: Hipster Runoff

March 28^th, 2011

Dear Gawker,

Remember video games? You know the fun first person shooter ones. The ones where you’d be shot by your dorm roommate in a rather unflattering matter (you were sniping as they shot you in the back with a shotgun). In case this wasn’t enough, they proceeded to do a dance on your corpse. After this, they’d laugh and say “You got owned” over and over again, until the words lost their meaning.

Well, you got owned by Carles, of the popular weblog Hipster Runoff.

I’m sorry. Carles does this on occasion in order to gauge interest in his blog. Usually it garners enough advertising revenue from this event to help him purchase a new computer, wide screen TV, finance a vacation to the Apple Store, or just a wild reckless night out on the town. Apparently whoever at Gawker received the email might not have been aware of this gimmick, though Carles puts it into his own bio on his website.

No job with his uncle existed. When you saw the interest he had working for another blog that was a ruse. Though to be honest I could see him working for Gawker, he has a lot of affection for your site, doing interviews, winning Hipster of the Decade and whatnot. But I’m not sure if he could work in an office. Reading his older posts, he has reservations about office work, like so many creative twenty somethings. I mean, who wants to live under the glare of emotionless white bulbs. Nobody does.

This time he did act a little differently. By emailing you he wanted to heighten the sense of drama involving his periodic meltdown. People wouldn’t have gotten as upset had he not notified the authorities. According to Carles, you are the internet authorities of culture. I mean, look at all the coverage you give to other internet-based writers. 

Signs had been present which might have suggested Carles was at the end of his rope. Introducing the Museum of Modern Alt alongside the Mainstreamer might have hinted perhaps Carles was running out of ideas. Constant competitions for Hipster Runoff involving people’s submitted pictures gave the impression Carles was ‘running on empty’. The post he had on his own firsts policy could have lead you astray, I grant you that much. 

But really, I am trying to apply for a position as the new coverage man for Hipster Runoff. I know Gawker has some serious blog bucks. Honestly, I’m pretty poor right now. Your money would be put to good use in keeping a sleepy, poverty stricken part of the internet alive. Don’t worry, I won’t cover Hipster Runoff like HRO Exegesis, there’s already a guy doing it. Plus, as an added bonus, I’m a respected poster on the Hipster Runoff blog, if that means anything, which it doesn’t besides to show off what I read during my lunch break.

                Various other people from Hipster Runoff called Carles’ gimmick out as well. Claiming he’ll have some vaguely ridiculous, possibly hour-long Podcast explaining nothing in many words, they were validated. After being proven right, they got some sweet tweets thrown their way. Maybe one or two of them might like a cushy office blog job. 

                For all those who called out the hoax, there were far more who were deeply worried. Believing falsely Carles was serious since he’d never punk Gawker, they fell for it. Just like you. So don’t feel bad, plenty other Hipster Runoff watchers read this one wrong. 

                Really though, would you prefer he followed through on his idle threat? I guess occasionally Carles just wants some coaxing. He needs phone calls telling him how important he is in generating content we all consume. Whether or not we like it is no longer important. Instead, he deliberately stirs up the pot. If Gawker decided Beach Sloth would do a good job covering Hipster Runoff, I promise you I’d needlessly create blog beefs between Gawker and Carles. They’d be similar to Tao Lin, who you now adore, but the build-up and drama between the two of you kept things interesting. Hipster Runoff needs beefs (whether it is between him and Best Coast) so I feel an entire website versus him might result in something even better than him versus a perpetually stoned cat lady. 

                Carles I’m certain would be game for this beef. Anything which could drum up attention for his blog seems like a win-win. I promise I might do a better job of figuring out when Carles will quit his blog, which I know will be never. Blogging is a hell of a drug.  Forever and ever, he’ll stay in our hearts. Even when people hate Carles, they heart him deep down on the inside. They want to get vulnerable with him, via Facebook, via Twitter, via the comment section. So beloved was Carles they even started a relevancy funeral Tumblr to celebrate one of the fallen fearless few. 

                I hope this reaches you before you before you have to do some silly about-face on the internet. With me in charge of Hipster Runoff Relevancy coverage, I offer to do nothing but provoke the anonymous blogger. For we’re all a part of this great blog-o-sphere, constantly trying to outdo one another, and what could be better than a blog battle? 

                Sincerely,

                Beach Sloth