Re: Hipster Runoff

March 28^th, 2011

Dear Gawker,

Remember video games? You know the fun first person shooter ones. The ones where you’d be shot by your dorm roommate in a rather unflattering matter (you were sniping as they shot you in the back with a shotgun). In case this wasn’t enough, they proceeded to do a dance on your corpse. After this, they’d laugh and say “You got owned” over and over again, until the words lost their meaning.

Well, you got owned by Carles, of the popular weblog Hipster Runoff.

I’m sorry. Carles does this on occasion in order to gauge interest in his blog. Usually it garners enough advertising revenue from this event to help him purchase a new computer, wide screen TV, finance a vacation to the Apple Store, or just a wild reckless night out on the town. Apparently whoever at Gawker received the email might not have been aware of this gimmick, though Carles puts it into his own bio on his website.

No job with his uncle existed. When you saw the interest he had working for another blog that was a ruse. Though to be honest I could see him working for Gawker, he has a lot of affection for your site, doing interviews, winning Hipster of the Decade and whatnot. But I’m not sure if he could work in an office. Reading his older posts, he has reservations about office work, like so many creative twenty somethings. I mean, who wants to live under the glare of emotionless white bulbs. Nobody does.

This time he did act a little differently. By emailing you he wanted to heighten the sense of drama involving his periodic meltdown. People wouldn’t have gotten as upset had he not notified the authorities. According to Carles, you are the internet authorities of culture. I mean, look at all the coverage you give to other internet-based writers. 

Signs had been present which might have suggested Carles was at the end of his rope. Introducing the Museum of Modern Alt alongside the Mainstreamer might have hinted perhaps Carles was running out of ideas. Constant competitions for Hipster Runoff involving people’s submitted pictures gave the impression Carles was ‘running on empty’. The post he had on his own firsts policy could have lead you astray, I grant you that much. 

But really, I am trying to apply for a position as the new coverage man for Hipster Runoff. I know Gawker has some serious blog bucks. Honestly, I’m pretty poor right now. Your money would be put to good use in keeping a sleepy, poverty stricken part of the internet alive. Don’t worry, I won’t cover Hipster Runoff like HRO Exegesis, there’s already a guy doing it. Plus, as an added bonus, I’m a respected poster on the Hipster Runoff blog, if that means anything, which it doesn’t besides to show off what I read during my lunch break.

                Various other people from Hipster Runoff called Carles’ gimmick out as well. Claiming he’ll have some vaguely ridiculous, possibly hour-long Podcast explaining nothing in many words, they were validated. After being proven right, they got some sweet tweets thrown their way. Maybe one or two of them might like a cushy office blog job. 

                For all those who called out the hoax, there were far more who were deeply worried. Believing falsely Carles was serious since he’d never punk Gawker, they fell for it. Just like you. So don’t feel bad, plenty other Hipster Runoff watchers read this one wrong. 

                Really though, would you prefer he followed through on his idle threat? I guess occasionally Carles just wants some coaxing. He needs phone calls telling him how important he is in generating content we all consume. Whether or not we like it is no longer important. Instead, he deliberately stirs up the pot. If Gawker decided Beach Sloth would do a good job covering Hipster Runoff, I promise you I’d needlessly create blog beefs between Gawker and Carles. They’d be similar to Tao Lin, who you now adore, but the build-up and drama between the two of you kept things interesting. Hipster Runoff needs beefs (whether it is between him and Best Coast) so I feel an entire website versus him might result in something even better than him versus a perpetually stoned cat lady. 

                Carles I’m certain would be game for this beef. Anything which could drum up attention for his blog seems like a win-win. I promise I might do a better job of figuring out when Carles will quit his blog, which I know will be never. Blogging is a hell of a drug.  Forever and ever, he’ll stay in our hearts. Even when people hate Carles, they heart him deep down on the inside. They want to get vulnerable with him, via Facebook, via Twitter, via the comment section. So beloved was Carles they even started a relevancy funeral Tumblr to celebrate one of the fallen fearless few. 

                I hope this reaches you before you before you have to do some silly about-face on the internet. With me in charge of Hipster Runoff Relevancy coverage, I offer to do nothing but provoke the anonymous blogger. For we’re all a part of this great blog-o-sphere, constantly trying to outdo one another, and what could be better than a blog battle? 

                Sincerely,

                Beach Sloth

My review of Tao Lin as a Human Being

A lot has been written about Tao Lin’s writing, particularly his most recent effort titled “Richard Yates”. With all this increased focus on him, perhaps we’re missing the real question: what is Tao Lin’s worth as a human being. Sure, he might be able to crank out words with the best of them (or worst of them depending on your view of Tao) but how does he size up once compared to the rest of humanity?

He certainly has come a long way from Florida. New York is a pretty long drive; I hope he took a plane or something. Otherwise he might have gotten bored.

But perhaps if he took a drive up here and got bored, he might have gotten a lot of writing material. You see, unlike normal writers, who feel the need to write about all sorts of fascinating goings-on, Tao writes about boredom. That wretched thing we spend most of our lives trying in vain to avoid. Rather than avoid this large percentage of the world’s time, he focuses almost exclusively on it.

This might be tolerable if he used flowery language. But no, he doesn’t. Instead he writes exclusively in internet speak, from Gmail chats. Such language had been previously employed in his prior novel “Shoplifting from American Apparel” but not to such effect as in “Richard Yates”. In his newest book, there’s a constant flow to what little is going on. Often the language he uses is so naked that it is almost indecent, like it should put on clothes.  Unlike most reviews, I’ll avoid actually reveling anything about the plot, but I think he’s done an excellent job of honing his craft.

Part of his craft involves bizarre attention-seeking stunts. Some of these involve writing about shoplifting, some about annoying others with stickers, and selling shares in his novels. Despite all his supposed openness about himself, we know sparing little. Like many of his characters, you really need to pay attention to every little detail, for he rarely appears to state anything bluntly about himself. Also, he appears to be very emotionally guarded just like his characters, with people commenting on seeing him smile as “the first time they’d ever seen him smile”.  He’s 27; he should have smiled more often by now.


With his emotional disconnection and open celebration of apathy, it is obvious why many (unfairly) peg him as a "hipster writer". Personally, I don't see how he is. He just happens to be a young writer living in Brooklyn doing his best to capture the zeitgeist of our generation. Besides using the term "hipster" in a derogatory manner is usually done by those who are outside of the cultural loops. 

Anyway, I think that Tao is an important, up and coming writer. Had I been his teacher, I might have sort of given him passing grades for his previous work. Some of his earlier work comes off as too twee, but “Richard Yates” impressed me. For this work, I might have given him a gold star on the top of his paper, so he could put in on the fridge at home. Then, to celebrate, he’d get a slow gratification reward from his parents, like Dunk-a-roos over the course of the week, preferably the chocolate ones. The vanilla ones are kind of garbage.

Assigning a number to a person may strike some as pointless. How can a person’s worth be determined by a number?  I say, it is actually easy to do. Tao gets an 8.6. Good job!

 Hopefully he reads this by goggling himself. Most likely he'll read this entire post with a neutral expression. I'm serious about the Dunk-a-Roos though.