Re: Hipster Runoff

March 28^th, 2011

Dear Gawker,

Remember video games? You know the fun first person shooter ones. The ones where you’d be shot by your dorm roommate in a rather unflattering matter (you were sniping as they shot you in the back with a shotgun). In case this wasn’t enough, they proceeded to do a dance on your corpse. After this, they’d laugh and say “You got owned” over and over again, until the words lost their meaning.

Well, you got owned by Carles, of the popular weblog Hipster Runoff.

I’m sorry. Carles does this on occasion in order to gauge interest in his blog. Usually it garners enough advertising revenue from this event to help him purchase a new computer, wide screen TV, finance a vacation to the Apple Store, or just a wild reckless night out on the town. Apparently whoever at Gawker received the email might not have been aware of this gimmick, though Carles puts it into his own bio on his website.

No job with his uncle existed. When you saw the interest he had working for another blog that was a ruse. Though to be honest I could see him working for Gawker, he has a lot of affection for your site, doing interviews, winning Hipster of the Decade and whatnot. But I’m not sure if he could work in an office. Reading his older posts, he has reservations about office work, like so many creative twenty somethings. I mean, who wants to live under the glare of emotionless white bulbs. Nobody does.

This time he did act a little differently. By emailing you he wanted to heighten the sense of drama involving his periodic meltdown. People wouldn’t have gotten as upset had he not notified the authorities. According to Carles, you are the internet authorities of culture. I mean, look at all the coverage you give to other internet-based writers. 

Signs had been present which might have suggested Carles was at the end of his rope. Introducing the Museum of Modern Alt alongside the Mainstreamer might have hinted perhaps Carles was running out of ideas. Constant competitions for Hipster Runoff involving people’s submitted pictures gave the impression Carles was ‘running on empty’. The post he had on his own firsts policy could have lead you astray, I grant you that much. 

But really, I am trying to apply for a position as the new coverage man for Hipster Runoff. I know Gawker has some serious blog bucks. Honestly, I’m pretty poor right now. Your money would be put to good use in keeping a sleepy, poverty stricken part of the internet alive. Don’t worry, I won’t cover Hipster Runoff like HRO Exegesis, there’s already a guy doing it. Plus, as an added bonus, I’m a respected poster on the Hipster Runoff blog, if that means anything, which it doesn’t besides to show off what I read during my lunch break.

                Various other people from Hipster Runoff called Carles’ gimmick out as well. Claiming he’ll have some vaguely ridiculous, possibly hour-long Podcast explaining nothing in many words, they were validated. After being proven right, they got some sweet tweets thrown their way. Maybe one or two of them might like a cushy office blog job. 

                For all those who called out the hoax, there were far more who were deeply worried. Believing falsely Carles was serious since he’d never punk Gawker, they fell for it. Just like you. So don’t feel bad, plenty other Hipster Runoff watchers read this one wrong. 

                Really though, would you prefer he followed through on his idle threat? I guess occasionally Carles just wants some coaxing. He needs phone calls telling him how important he is in generating content we all consume. Whether or not we like it is no longer important. Instead, he deliberately stirs up the pot. If Gawker decided Beach Sloth would do a good job covering Hipster Runoff, I promise you I’d needlessly create blog beefs between Gawker and Carles. They’d be similar to Tao Lin, who you now adore, but the build-up and drama between the two of you kept things interesting. Hipster Runoff needs beefs (whether it is between him and Best Coast) so I feel an entire website versus him might result in something even better than him versus a perpetually stoned cat lady. 

                Carles I’m certain would be game for this beef. Anything which could drum up attention for his blog seems like a win-win. I promise I might do a better job of figuring out when Carles will quit his blog, which I know will be never. Blogging is a hell of a drug.  Forever and ever, he’ll stay in our hearts. Even when people hate Carles, they heart him deep down on the inside. They want to get vulnerable with him, via Facebook, via Twitter, via the comment section. So beloved was Carles they even started a relevancy funeral Tumblr to celebrate one of the fallen fearless few. 

                I hope this reaches you before you before you have to do some silly about-face on the internet. With me in charge of Hipster Runoff Relevancy coverage, I offer to do nothing but provoke the anonymous blogger. For we’re all a part of this great blog-o-sphere, constantly trying to outdo one another, and what could be better than a blog battle? 

                Sincerely,

                Beach Sloth

Hackster Runoff: Carles gets vulnerable (to cyber warfare)

Hipster Runoff became a part of my morning ritual this year, just like how I read the New York Times or drink my cup of lemonade when I wake up. Carles, the preeminent anonymous hipster joker, keeps us entertained with his musings on alternative culture. Even the site’s name “Hipster Runoff” is a playful phrase, meant to simultaneously mock and delight its readership.

                What Carles might have wished he named it was “Hackster Runoff”. After a particular subpar article about a remixed MGMT song, the site went down. Pages no longer were available. Slowly but surely Carles’ online empires left his grasp, to try and do it on his own. Hackers took over, upset at the drop in writing quality. Keeping the hackers at bay is a much more daunting task, especially when Carles choose such easy passwords as “p33n” and “l33t p33n”.

                Speaking to Ramona while drinking a Bud Light on the rooftop, he contemplated life. He wondered just how far he had come in his quest for the 10.0. Not for an article or a band, but this 10.0 was for his life. Just how much had he really contributed to society with his snarky commentary? Did creating LOLS make the world a better place, or were those LOLS begotten at another’s expense. 

                People are getting worried. It has been almost a full day since there’s been any alt report or Carles article. Since I’m cynical, part of me thinks this might just be another ploy to play with our hearts. Having gotten us worried, he’ll come back in his trademark monotone voice pleading that his site was hacked and that he needs our support. Then there will be a big Christmas special, where he talks about his past and what 2011 holds in store.

                I’m hoping that this is a sincere issue with his website. Who would ever wish harm upon the sanctified, kind-hearted soul who is Carles. Right from his childhood, growing up with his father Jandek, he was called out for a higher purpose. To find beauty in the sublime netherworld that is alternative culture. 

                Carles moved to southern Indiana, where he embraced high culture. Drinking only quality alcoholic beverages (like Miller ‘High Life’) he sought out meaning even when there wasn’t any. Everything became fair game, whether it was Juggalos, a picture of one of the Jonas brothers in front of a movie theater, or people getting hit by cars.

                After this harrowing experience, maybe Carles will become sensitive. He’ll understand what it is like to feel pain, loss, regret. Maybe he’ll get vulnerable with us again, explaining how he’s looking for something, something bigger than him. Vulnerability should only go so far, he should probably be less vulnerable to hacker attacks. 

                But who might have ordered those dastardly hackers to attack poor, defenseless Carles? Below are some of the potential suspects:

1.       Evil Carles, a graduate student from Rice University majoring in Finance. 

2.       MGMT, worried about the increasing hostile coverage they’ve been having.

3.       Unchill Asian Bro, upset at the lack of coverage and fulfilling the need to become unchill. 

4.       Salem , in order for Carles to understand true darkness.

5.       Michael Cera, to try and change his image from pantywaist to internet thug

6.       Best Coast, annoyed that her attempts at trolling have failed, takes it to the ‘next level’

7.       Julian Assange, according to the US government.

So Carles, to quote a wise buzzband: “I wish you would step away from that ledge my friend” –Third Eye Blind

Avoid getting hammered. Instead, focus on that great material you’ll be unleashing into the cyberspaces. I hope that your next post ends up being the “Citizen Kane” of privileged upper-middle class frustration. You can do it.  Believe in yourself. 

-Sending Good Vibes.