Hipster Runoff became a part of my morning ritual this year, just like how I read the New York Times or drink my cup of lemonade when I wake up. Carles, the preeminent anonymous hipster joker, keeps us entertained with his musings on alternative culture. Even the site’s name “Hipster Runoff” is a playful phrase, meant to simultaneously mock and delight its readership.
What Carles might have wished he named it was “Hackster Runoff”. After a particular subpar article about a remixed MGMT song, the site went down. Pages no longer were available. Slowly but surely Carles’ online empires left his grasp, to try and do it on his own. Hackers took over, upset at the drop in writing quality. Keeping the hackers at bay is a much more daunting task, especially when Carles choose such easy passwords as “p33n” and “l33t p33n”.
Speaking to Ramona while drinking a Bud Light on the rooftop, he contemplated life. He wondered just how far he had come in his quest for the 10.0. Not for an article or a band, but this 10.0 was for his life. Just how much had he really contributed to society with his snarky commentary? Did creating LOLS make the world a better place, or were those LOLS begotten at another’s expense.
People are getting worried. It has been almost a full day since there’s been any alt report or Carles article. Since I’m cynical, part of me thinks this might just be another ploy to play with our hearts. Having gotten us worried, he’ll come back in his trademark monotone voice pleading that his site was hacked and that he needs our support. Then there will be a big Christmas special, where he talks about his past and what 2011 holds in store.
I’m hoping that this is a sincere issue with his website. Who would ever wish harm upon the sanctified, kind-hearted soul who is Carles. Right from his childhood, growing up with his father Jandek, he was called out for a higher purpose. To find beauty in the sublime netherworld that is alternative culture.
Carles moved to southern Indiana, where he embraced high culture. Drinking only quality alcoholic beverages (like Miller ‘High Life’) he sought out meaning even when there wasn’t any. Everything became fair game, whether it was Juggalos, a picture of one of the Jonas brothers in front of a movie theater, or people getting hit by cars.
After this harrowing experience, maybe Carles will become sensitive. He’ll understand what it is like to feel pain, loss, regret. Maybe he’ll get vulnerable with us again, explaining how he’s looking for something, something bigger than him. Vulnerability should only go so far, he should probably be less vulnerable to hacker attacks.
But who might have ordered those dastardly hackers to attack poor, defenseless Carles? Below are some of the potential suspects:
1. Evil Carles, a graduate student from Rice University majoring in Finance.
2. MGMT, worried about the increasing hostile coverage they’ve been having.
3. Unchill Asian Bro, upset at the lack of coverage and fulfilling the need to become unchill.
4. Salem , in order for Carles to understand true darkness.
5. Michael Cera, to try and change his image from pantywaist to internet thug
6. Best Coast, annoyed that her attempts at trolling have failed, takes it to the ‘next level’
7. Julian Assange, according to the US government.
So Carles, to quote a wise buzzband: “I wish you would step away from that ledge my friend” –Third Eye Blind
Avoid getting hammered. Instead, focus on that great material you’ll be unleashing into the cyberspaces. I hope that your next post ends up being the “Citizen Kane” of privileged upper-middle class frustration. You can do it. Believe in yourself.
-Sending Good Vibes.