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Will “Kung Fu Panda 2: Kaboom of Doom” help to raise Panda Bear confidence?

Panda Bears have had a hard year. First, their most prominent Bear Noah Lennox failed to release his new album “Tomboy”. This hits this socially conscious and painfully hip (some might say alt) population of Panda Bears particularly hard. After they had converted him into becoming a full-fledged Panda (an act that they usually reserve for the most dedicated zoologists) he spat upon them. Only those EPs have prevented him from being torn apart for their amusement.

The recession hit the Panda population pretty hard as well. Never the most sexually active animal, they remain the only non-human animal for whom porn has been created, in an attempt to bring up their numbers. Seeing other Pandas having fun doesn’t increase confidence. I mean, most Pandas still live with their parents, having just graduated from a reputable State University. Working odd jobs, they contribute a little to the family finances, but they barely have enough to support themselves, let alone a boyfriend/girlfriend. So that Panda porn only reminds Pandas how much greener the grass is on the other side. China has tried to help, allowing Pandas more leeway in the one child policy, in an effort to stem their declining numbers. But it is hopeless as even environmentalists look for increasingly more adorable animals like Polar Bears, sheep, and former Simpson writers.

What are the Panda Bears to do in light of this receding interest? That’s what the Kung Fu Panda movies are for. Seeing a Panda master the art of Kung Fu, an art which most Panda are woefully ignorant of, they gain pride in their species. Obviously, since these are Panda Bears, a few minor changes are needed to make the movie more palpable for Panda audiences.

Jack Black is strangely enough considered an annoying jerk that has no actual talent in the Panda world. Here in the human world, they are beloved by tastemakers like Regis and Kelly. Instead, like the previous movie, Jack Black’s lines are redubbed using James Franco’s voice, a character that is truly appreciated in the Panda community. I mean, that guy was in Freaks and Geeks, how could you not like him? Also, in the Panda version, the pop culture references change. Instead, there are way more Animal Collective jokes, which work on multiple levels for Pandas.  More James K. Polk jokes are also included, since that former US president enjoys a strong cult following among the bamboo eaters.

Maybe it will be this movie that truly helps to teach Pandas about their rich heritage. Their contribution to Chinese culture is second to none. Seeing that Panda effectively defeat his enemies might convince Pandas that perhaps now is a good time to raise a family, despite the obvious hardships that such a decision entails. Perhaps their children might master the art of Kung Fu, an art which Pandas have yet to fully comprehend. We can only hope.