During the Holiday Season, vast quantities of alcohol are consumed, in order to get “in the spirit with spirits”. Most of these alcohols leave you well enough alone in moderation. In excess, some give you an upset stomach, nausea, intense jealousy, rage, and hangovers. This is common.
What is less known is the vendetta some alcohols have towards those who imbibe. Yes, certain liquors want to do you in, in ways your mind can’t possibly comprehend. Be on the lookout for Whiskey, Gin, Vodka, Tequila, Sake, Bourbon, Scotch, Wine, Beer, Wine Coolers, Four Loko and other such beverages. They want revenge for their fallen comrades and will stop at nothing to do you in (quite literally in some cases).
Of all of these liquors, the most vengeful must be Vodka, though Four Loko is kind of a prick as well. Following the fall of communism in Eastern Europe, it felt free. Traveling all over the world, it became the drink of choice. But something was amiss. People began abusing it, creating dreadful beverages that took its name in vain. Vodka and Cranberry was one thing, it reckoned, but mixing it with Red Bull to infuse it with the power of New Jersey, no thank you.
Quietly it began to plot its revenge against those who sullied its good, Russian name. Watch out, this is the year it plans on murdering vast amounts of people. It has many disguises, and though this list does not discuss all of the ways, it should give you an inkling of the nefarious thoughts going through its twisted mind.
1. Intoxicated on itself, it drives a car made up of empty Vodka bottles and hits you, instantly killing you.
2. Pooling its resources together and opening a franchise restaurant in your hometown (usually a Subway) it becomes very successful. Drunk on its own power, it poisons the food and everyone dies of food poisoning.
3. Angry at your comments about the Demographic decline of Russia and its dwindling economic clout, it grows mad at you and pegs you with bottles of itself until you die, all the while incorrectly quoting the CIA World Fact book.
4. Coming together in a large trench coat, it pretends to be a Russian bride looking for love for American males in their late 60s. Upon arriving at your front door, it begins to mooch off your money and its pimp comes around (also Vodka bottles in a trench coat) and messes you up. Plus side of this scenario, the Russian bride is quite attractive and has at least a college education.
5. Finding a small island on a major sea route, it creates a pirate state and successfully destroys international trade, leading to the collapse of the world economy.
6. Posing to be a famous Mathematician wearing a pair of glasses made up of itself, it goes to an important conference where it takes out all of the world’s eminent Mathematicians by getting them laid, thus making them uninterested in math. The world’s stock markets collapse overnight, plunging the world into darkness.
7. Traveling to North Korea, it intoxicates Kim Jong IL. As he passes out, the Vodka bottles take over the controls for his nuclear weapons and wipes out civilization. Side Note: equal probability of this happening under Kim Jong IL’s reign as well.
8. Free of tax in Russia, it begins taking out Russia’s population by giving them one of the lowest life expectancy rates in the world. Note: already happening.
9. Unleashed on college campuses, it tempts undergrads not yet versed in drinking with its low, low price. Woefully unprepared, they take out a good chunk of our brain power, forcing Electrical Engineering majors into liberal arts majors like History or English. Note: Would’ve happened anyway. Electrical Engineering is insanely difficult.
10. Brought to your Christmas party, you have one too many of Vodka’s partners. Intoxicated, you successfully hit on one of your coworkers, the cute one you’ve always sort of had a crush on. Acting on this crush, you begin a little tryst which ends in sadness and the realization that everyone in your office knows. Crushed, you leave your job but without money you suffer and die on the streets in a vain attempt to hang out with the Crust punk kids.
Please be on the lookout for this dangerous beverage. Ye be warned!