Steve Albini is a curmudgeon’s curmudgeon. Indie snobs of the bitter caliber revere him as a lost-God, the original prototype for independent rock. Wearing beat-up outfits and a perpetual scowl, he created the template for countless passionate music fans. The thick-framed glasses complete the picture.
None of this would have been possible without his influential bands: from Big Black to Rapeman to the most current group: Shellac. All of these show his skill as a musician and a pundit. His writing is about as abrasive as his music. But I wonder had he not followed a music path what other jobs might have been available to him. I hadn’t thought of this before. Reading Steve’s cooking blog made me think: what if he had been a cook? Would he say “Bam” a lot without it meaning anything? Could a live audience tolerate him the way his devout rock followers do?
Below are some of the potential jobs I think Mr. Albini would enjoy. Since I never saw him as a cook, my entire perception of reality has been turned upside down. I no longer know what is up, what is down, what is left, what is wrong and what is right.
1. Bartender – Most bartenders are forced into one of two situations: to sympathize with patrons or completely ignore them. Steve wouldn’t do either. Foraging a third path, he’d listen to your problems and call you a loser. Not just any loser, but one of the worst humans complaining about things 90% of humanity wish they had as problems. This unorthodox approach would earn international fame and fortune. He’d also be an expert at making mixed drinks. Among the drinks he’d perfect would be:
A. A Shut the Hell Up
B. A Shut the Hell Up
C. A Shut the Hell Up
D. A Shut the Hell UP
E. A Shut the Hell Up
F. A Shut the Hell Up
G. A Shut the Hell Up
H. A Shut the Hell Up
I. A Shut the Hell Up
J. A Wu Wu
2. Judge on American Idol – As someone who has a unique perspective on American music, I think he’d make a fine judge on American Idol. His criticism would focus on individuality rather than commonly accepted standards of ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Even though he made a band called “Rapeman” that’s still considerably less disturbing than looking at Steven Tyler’s face. Let’s say an average ‘good’ contestant appears on American Idol. Here’s what the reviews of his performance might look like:
A. Randy Jackson – That was wonderful. I’m digging your sweet voice.
B. Jennifer Lopez – Wow, baby I’m amazed. You’re going places.
C. Steve Albini – You know, your voice embodies all that is wrong with American music. It lacks any sort of distinct feel, or soul. Music is supposed to move people. Rather than do that, your voice reminds me of a eunuch except a eunuch has more balls than your music. Corporation America probably creamed its pants when it heard your squeaky clean, pitch-perfect performance. I’ll pass. Someday I’ll hear your music try to sell me toothpaste, tampons, or a Toyoda. None of what you do will amount to anything. While money is your goal, you’ll see very little of it. Going through a modern-day record contract is like reading a book by Marquis De Sade. You can’t even imagine what these companies are going to do. Oh yeah, those brownies your mother brought in for everyone. Well, they taste like Kim Gordon's dried-out asshole.
3. Accountant – You’d think this is a weird profession. All my accountant friends recharge my cool batteries whenever I’m running low. I have a certain degree of respect for a profession requiring absolute concentration on absolute tedium. Plus, as Steve did that now-legendary article “The Problem with Music” which broke down how doomed a band is by the amount of cuts a record label took from the bottom line.
4. Professional Blogger – Steve Albini might have been the first snarky blogger. Even before blogs existed, he wrote terse, to the point critiques. Long ago, he wrote for these things called “Magazines” where he wrote emotionally charged pieces hurling insults with great abandon. Considering how controversial he remains, even after several decades have passed, he’d probably be a fine blogger. The cooking blog may be one of the first steps towards creating a snarky blog, like a “Hipster Runoff” for the 35+ set. Perhaps his advertisers might include vinyl record stores, the “Touch & Go” label, and dog toys.
While I’d like him to influence more, I guess I should be content with what he has accomplished. Creating several highly influential bands during the bleak decade known as the “80s” is incredible. He helped out countless good, mostly poor bands. The recording studio he has in Chicago is legendary. I guess he’s probably better off focusing on the music. Maybe in a few years we’ll get another Shellac album. Here’s hoping he doesn’t go overboard with blogging. Blogging is a hell of a drug.