Godspeed You! Black Emperor

                Godspeed You! Black Emperor has toured extensively over the past few months. Hardly anyone expected to see them again. I mean, you give up releasing albums or touring for about eight to nine years. That’s a long time particularly in the rapidly moving music world. A few years are an extremely long time in the music scene. Eight to nine years could be considered a lifetime. People change a lot, tastes change.

                Certainly their music contributes to this feeling of epic-ness, of something bigger and better than normal. Most bands take a few minutes pure song. GYBE had no problem letting a whole song take up twenty to thirty minutes. It gets hard not to personalize how much this group meant to me. Once they went on hiatus I felt alone. Sometimes after a particularly hard time I’d put them on and feel a little less overwhelmed by my situation. Things looked up when I felt the music soar. When you listen to so many musicians working together for a genuine love of music it is inspiring. I doubt GYBE were ever conceived as a money-making enterprise. Moving around the ensemble alone must have been a ‘break-even’ situation, never mind the fact they were ‘taper friendly’ and encouraged the audience to record the concerts. Upon going to the concert with a few friends they remarked how difficult it must be to tour in such a massive group, logistically speaking. 

                We hear great news from the otherwise shadowy collective, from Bruce Cawdon specifically (I know, it is weird they have names). All the shows they have been doing were for a greater purpose. Members from the collective will be working on a new album after the end of the tours. That rewards the faith (or hope as GYBE would put it) of those who continued to listen to the band during the prolonged hiatus. Finally they have decided to rise again from the ashes and release music once more for their devoted. 

                I can’t express how happy I am at this news. Whether or not what GYBE does is considered popular is totally irrelevant to me. GYBE doesn’t mind that Post-Rock or whatever people pigeon-holed it is no longer popular. For them popularity was never an issue nor will it be. Probably the opposite is true: when they began their hiatus in 2002, they noticed the proliferation of countless copycats. They moved on to other greener pastures as the genre tired itself out and exhausted, died an inglorious death. 

                There is nothing in the concerts to suggest what direction their music will be headed. For most of the concerts, they have stuck with their album material. If they do decide to something new, it will be completely unexpected. Perhaps they may be louder or quieter. We don’t know. All I know is I’m glad to see them return after such a long time away. Slow music is making a comeback.

Frank Hinton

               I have focused on Steve Roggenbuck’s latest endeavor, Internet Poetry on this blog before. While the whole site offers a plethora of material yanked from the internet’s general indifference, one piece got stuck in my head. That was Frank Hinton’s piece, which apparently is called “unrequested livejasmin.com pop-up”. I thought about it a lot and decided to find out a little more about this person.

                Frank Hinton keeps busy. Halifax, Nova Scotia doesn’t really offer a great deal of activities, excluding an airline (Air Canada Jazz) which elicits some of the angriest emotions I can muster out of my near-uniform polite attitude. I reckon Frank Hinton is the chief exporter of poetry and literature for the general Halifax metropolitan area.  Besides writing her own poetry, she’s also an editor and founder of the online literary journal Metazen. Metazen is probably one of the best places to publish literature online, since they tend to curate the work and apply such abnormal things like standards. Originally it started as a place to post her drunken writing. As someone who created a Facebook group for this sole purpose, it is reassuring to know some drunken thoughts transform themselves into full-bodied literary journals.

                Obviously she is a female and writes under a male pseudonym Frank who she refers to as “A sad man, a pathetic man”. How she explains it is her enjoyment of ambiguity. Living on a gender pendulum, it allows a greater amount of freedom than simply being thought of as a ‘male’ or ‘female’ writer. There are countless articles explaining how this kind of perception (either as a male or female writer) can create a certain expectation. By using an obvious pseudonym, it makes things more interesting. Her online persona is extremely shadowy, mysterious. We don’t really know much about her besides her writing. Keeping mysterious yet accessible makes the work more interesting, as I find it can be easier to write something when I know I’m anonymous. The pain of writing something with your actual name attached probably contributes to a great deal of dishonesty within literature, as if the writer is trying to impress you in some small way. Frank Hinton’s writing is direct painfully so at times. 

                She has a few poems lying around in odds and ends. Apparently she also has a chapbook called “I don’t respect female expression” coming out around the end of April from Safety Third Enterprises. But I haven’t read it. So I won’t go over it. Instead, I’ll go over her poems she’s had lying around, whatever I could find basically. Most of these I found on her Spartan-style Tumblr which you can access here. Though I won’t review every one of these, I do recommend reading all of them. 

                Her piece for Lamination Colony, called “How to be Me, an Instructional Video narrated by Frank Hinton” shows a certain playfulness. In here you learn how to hate people on a bus, chew off your fingernail in public (which is an actual skill) and how to avoid negative thinking upon waking up. Since she does have this on the internet, she explains how to post online in order to flame or remain anonymous (both good choices). Along with these apparent instructions is the final sentence which states “You were once a child and you had it all”. That’s probably one of my favorite lines of hers. Children get lucky with the amount of happiness they get. Then come teenage years they grow overly angst-ridden and depressed. Finally, in their twenties they begin trying to improve themselves through questionable practices of self-help, self-improvement and other endeavors of dubious merit. 

                Relationships get a lot of attention in her poetry. Every word she uses has a distinct meaning or conveys a particular meaning. In “I’d be a Barbie without him” she takes on a female persona. Frank becomes one of the antagonists in this story/poem. Jumping between ages, you see the evolving attitude and increasing knowledge of sexuality. Some of it is humorous, like at age 17 when she tried to return the rock to Glenn but Glenn didn’t live there anymore. Other instances show Frank as a 12 year old, then what I’d think was a first-time at 18, I could be wrong. Everything is in shadows here. Nothing really is fully explained, but as time progresses; certain numbness sets in followed by a plea at the end. 

                Part of my joy reading these are how well she describes various feelings about love. Love is a difficult thing to write about without falling into the extremes of anger, sadness, despair, happiness, coy, and so on. Frank Hinton avoids these. She writes things with an honesty that’s hard to find. Being honest could be funny or tragic, it depends on the circumstances and often her work can be both.  Her chapbook will explore these themes even further.

Aids Wolf – The Lovvers 4.7

                Montreal is the Williamsburg of Canada I think. So many cool, weird bands come from there. Countless variations of post rock hail from Montreal. It also has a fair amount of even more experimental skronk bands. Aids Wolf obviously belongs to that latter category. 

                Despite this possessing many of the things I hold dear (loud abrupt movements, opening for Whitehouse) it just doesn’t connect with me. Each time I come back to this album thinking “maybe this time it will be different” but it isn’t different. Songs sound the same, the yelps are the same, and the whole things feels like I’m listening to a cover band of “Teenage Jesus and the Jerks” or “Harry Pussy”. A cover band who are still working on the songs. 

                Having angst isn’t enough to exactly propel you into a new realm. They aren’t experimental enough to be interesting, nor are they as catchy as say “Arab on Radar”. So they uncomfortably exist in this in between area. “Chinese Roulette” is probably the best song on here, followed by “Panty Mind”. The rest of the songs are considerably less memorable.

                I don’t think I’ve ever given a band so many chances. This isn’t the worst or most boring thing I’ve ever heard, but considering their near-obsession with self-promotion (see the hairy naked photos of them) you’d expect something with a bit more bite.

The Pink Noise – Graffiti Youth 5.9

                The Pink Noise is probably one of the best-named bands I’ve seen for a while. Single-handedly, they’ve been able to define their brand of noised-out lo-fi meanderings. In their own words, they state they are a mixture between ultra-hip bands Suicide and Chrome. Listening to this, I hear fragments of both, but they aren’t as good or as ambitious as either.

                Chrome dealt with way more distortion than what these guys muster through the course of the album. Meanwhile, the Suicide comparison does fit some of these songs, especially the tighter ones like “Wild Love” which is one of the main highlights. Later in the album we hear echoes of their attempts at a tighter focus with “Flow into the Void”. 

                What makes a lot of this boring is how gray the sounds are. I adore lo-fi, and think a lot of it is quite good, but this sounds exactly like pink noise. Nothing is differentiated. I do hear enough interesting results coming out of here to prevent me from dismissing it completely. But for the most part, this is something you could listen as something in the background. There simply isn’t enough going on in the songs themselves for me to recommend deeper listening.

Godspeed You! Black Emperor

 

 

     After so many years of radio silence, they came roaring back at the Masonic Temple. I really missed them. For a longer while than I’m willing to admit, their music helped me along, pushing me forward. Even the sheer fact they existed for so long as a near-anonymous collective who played 20 minute plus long songs is short of incredible. What’s even more incredible is how all of their New York shows sold out in about 3.5 seconds.

    Naturally I was thrilled to see them live for the first time, having missed their concerts when they were together due to laziness and general forgetfulness. Their venue choice of a Temple felt additionally fitting. Seeing a packed audience, I wanted to take a picture of the place and send the photography to Glenn Branca, politely asking him to quit writing doom-laden Op-Ed pieces in the New York Times. I wanted him to see his idea of an orchestra of rock did not end with him, but continued on in the spirit of a bunch of Canadians, who removed even ego from their music.

    Eric Chenaux music didn’t express any form of humility. As I heard his opening set, I kept on trying to think of reasons why it wasn’t good. Could it be due to the acoustics? No, I heard him alright. Perhaps it might be a bit intimidating for anyone opening up for a giant band with a devout cult following, and here you are some guy they’ve never heard of, and you have to wow them. For a moment I thought this might be true. John Fahey did solo guitar work too but after most of his live shows his record sales decreased. But no, mostly Chenaux’s set suffered from obsessive self-indulgence. That struck me as particularly disappointing, as he had some extremely interesting sustained tones and drones underneath aimless guitar strumming. Had he simply stripped away the show-off nature of his playing, and instead focused on the quieter aspects of the sound, I might have enjoyed his set much more. When he ended, I think several people around me murmured “Thank God” through insincere applause.

    GYBE didn’t disappoint. As they started up, I wondered what might have convinced them to take such a long hiatus from doing shows. Sure, they had a million side projects (Fly Pan Am, A Silver Mount Zion, Set Fire to Flames, the list continues) which took up some time. Perhaps the sound they explored might have tired itself out. Their last album got universal praise, but their style got co-opted by countless less talented musicians. Criticism (lazy criticism) began circulating about their over-reliance on crescendos and constant builds.

    While crescendos were in place for their performance, they explored some of their quieter pieces as well. Moments in the performance it grew so quiet you heard only a single violin accompanied by four film projectors. The person responsible for the projectors did a fantastic job, it was really amazing the looping and gradual evolution. Seeing images match the music so well was doubly nice, as a band which adamantly refuses soundtrack work, it was good to see how carefully hand-picked the images were.

    “Lift Your Skinny Fists to Heaven” ended up being their major reference point. As “Sleep” started up, the crowd went wild. If a 20 plus minute song could ever be a hit, this was a hit. The Coney Island speech in the beginning is fantastic as well, and works on multiple levels in New York. Sleep ended. “Rockets Fall on Rocket Falls” came up. What made me so appreciative about this track was they played the whole thing. After the initial blast, it is a fairly quiet song. The build is extremely patient. It didn’t hurt that the projectors showed off certain flair as well, with an almost unsettling focus on pure garbage (literally). Most of the films seemed to be a way of focusing your eyes off of the band members, who played in darkness. Keep in mind as you see them that they aren’t all which meets the eye. I saw a few members playing even behind the doors of perception in a little nook beyond the line of vision from the stage.

    Thankfully they are going to be around doing show for the next two months. Perhaps the live setting might encourage them to re-start the project.

Polmo Polpo – The Science of Breath 7.3

                Applying a post-rock approach to dance music is a difficult one. Dance by definition requires a form of almost instant gratification. Few dance musicians would bother taking the time to take the painfully slow buildup required to make it post-rock, but Sandro Perri is one of those people.

                The long tracks are all from various singles he released. Interludes were placed in between each giant slab as a way for the listener to catch their breath, from high to low breathing. But these fit in quite well with all the bigger pieces, like filling in the cracks.

                “Oarca” has a submerged beat. It is so slow and meanders on the absolute bottom. “Acqua” presents itself as a more traditional, longer burning jam. Even the start suggests that the song began before we were listening. Finally, the epic closer “Riva” starts with the closest Sandro gets to distortion and a full rave-up. It is really quite a wonderful ending, appropriate considering the emphasis post-rock places on the end.

                Yeah, the sea-references are deliberate. Apparently this was to have a nautical theme of some sort, and without having cheesy whale calls, it succeeds in that goal.

Movie Review: Drive Angry

A lot of people told Nicholas Cage not to take up this movie. They said: “Nick, this is a controversial movie. People don’t like seeing movies that glorify road rage. This might be a no-go.”

To which our hero Nicholas Cage stated:

“Hey, I’m not getting any younger. Madoff took all my money. I need money. I’ve definitely appeared in worse. Plus, I can relate to the plot line.”

In ‘Drive Angry’, our hero (creatively named Milton after Nicholas Cage’s admiration for Milton Friedman’s work in the field of economics) escapes from Hell which was his last film “Season of the Witch”. Apparently hell is a fairly easy place to get out of and Milton leaves with little fuss. 

Once he leaves, he is pursued by one of Hell’s most prominent minions, Bob from Accounting (played by David Cross). Bob has worked in accounting since Lucifer rebelled against God. Responsible for purchasing office supplies for the 5^th, 6^th and 7^th rings of hell, he’s angered by Milton’s actions. For, unknown to Milton, Bob was about to help all of the offices in Hell go green to receive a tax benefit. So with Milton’s departure, all hell has broken loose. Now Bob’s going to have to fill out the necessary paperwork all over again and get Satan (played by Billy Bob Thornton) to help out. In multiple close-ups of his face, he shows his dissatisfaction with his wife of eleven centuries (played by Danny Devito). Has their marriage grown boring, their sex routine stale? It is implied Milton’s escape has impeded their efforts at reconciliation, for which Milton allegedly will pay. 

                Milton has important work up on the surface. Upon arriving on Earth in Camden, New Jersey (known as ‘Hell’s Anus’) he manages to hotwire a car sitting in an Arby’s parking lot, stopping momentarily to get a delicious Mocha shake. Driving quite angrily, he makes it to the US-Manitoba border. A vicious motorcycle gang-cult is intent on creating a World War to usher in a new era without technology, so they may be one with nature yet again. Somehow this plan involves murdering his infant daughter. They’d already murdered one of Milton’s daughters, which he was cool with, but murdering another one of his children felt like a bit much.

                Winnipeg translates to ‘a frozen shithole’ in the original Norse. That fact is not lost on Milton who realizes just what a hell-like situation he’s created. Finally understanding if he dies he goes back to hell, he tries to live a healthier life by biking in the afternoon and becoming a vegan. He also helps his situation by having vast quantities of sex with naked women and disemboweling his enemies. Disemboweling sets off Bob’s tracker as he drives past a seedy Motel.

                Leaving just in time, Milton avoids the cruel hand of Bob’s wrath for now. Satan is getting angry, getting upset at Bob’s inability to find Milton and bring him to justice. Also, Satan drops hints that he might be demoted or might lose his dental plan. Bob’s feeling the pressure now, and works with the motorcycle-gang cult headed by Seth, the God of War (played by Will Ferrell). 

                Together the two of them begin working to thwart Milton. Citing the practice of Synergy, they come up with a few plans. First, they try to trap Milton by inviting him to a whorehouse. As Milton will get turned on, they time how long it will take Milton to finish. Off of this, they’ve created a device which will grind him up. Unknown to either of them, Milton is poor as hell and usually picks up women off of dating sites of ill-repute. He’d never fall for their plan.

                Using Milton’s penchant for driving angry, they try to capture him by creating a traffic jam. Knowing how angry Milton gets at being stuck in traffic, they figure he will lose his mind, driving in a rampage and get shot by a couple of heavily armed Canadian Mounties. Right as Milton is about to lose it, he remembers he needs to stay calm to save his daughter hoping she doesn’t get totally murdered.

                Finally confronting the motorcycle-cult biker gang, he successfully defeats them. Milton is brought back to hell, but under the assurance his infant daughter will be protected by Satan. Satan, true to his word, raises Lucy as if he was his own daughter, later sending her to art school in Manhattan, even paying most of her tuition. 

                This movie makes one question the fight between good and evil. Directed by Tommy Wiseau, it has an inordinate amount of sex scenes. Some of them rank as his best sex scenes, and they inspire all of us to aim for greater things in life, like having more sex. For fans of Nicholas Cage, I’m sorry to inform you that a ‘stunt penis’ has been used for all of the sex scenes. 

 I’m still moved by some of the exquisitely shot landscapes of Manitoba, which has since seen an increase in tourism. Nickelback’s soundtrack works wonders and instills a truly timeless quality to the film.  Please see this movie if you want to see our generation’s Ronald Reagan (via awful actor who will later become our President).

Kyle Bobby Dunn – A Young Person’s Guide To 8.4

                A Young Person’s Guide to the Orchestra is what I’m thinking the title references. Since there are so many different instruments being used for the recording, this interpretation might make the most sense. Picking out any instrument (besides the piano, which is pretty distinguishable) can be somewhat difficult, as the sounds are blurred together to create comforting, floating drones.

                There are drones, two hours’ worth of the stuff. Personally, I enjoy it when the artist takes a longer format approach, particularly for the’ lose-yourself-in-it’ stuff like what this offers. Over the course of the two hours, you’re treated to the warmest of drones. How these drones move forward is pretty amazing, he has a certain method to how each piece unfolds so graciously. In fact, picking out a specific movement or dramatic change is impossible, think of watching the clouds float by on a bright sunny day. 

                “Butel” starts off the two-disc set in positively massive fashion: a 17-minute piece where things build up so discretely (even once compared to the other pieces). Immediately you can feel its warmth, and its fragile state. It never gets loud or overwhelming, but slowly gains your attention. “There Is No End To Your Beauty” has a delightful ebb and flow of sound as if it were almost sentient. After this you get “Promenade” which brings up images of Stephan Mathieu’s drone work, it is simply so bright and airy. 

                Disc Two offers its own highlights. “Last Minute Jest” and “Set of Four (Its Meaning Is Deeper Than Its Title Implies)” are gorgeous piano pieces. “The Nightjar” ends things off with a quiet sample repeating ‘looking at yourself’. 

                Maybe there’s something about geography which influences the music one makes. Stars of the Lid had the vast Texas expanse; Kyle grew up in Alberta, pretty similar to Texas’s levels of open space and emptiness. It is always reassuring to have releases this massive, with so much good music to absorb. Personally, I tend to enjoy long-length works when they’re done properly, and Kyle knows exactly the sort of mood he wants.

                Once the music ended, I felt happy. Somehow this music just brightens my day, gives me a more optimistic feel. Think of it as music to comfort you in long winter nights, to have these drones combine with the creaking of your building, of the subtle choir of radiators going off. I absolutely adored this.

The Interview Process: Vladee Divacc

In his natural habitat

Today I was fortunate enough to sit down (metaphorically) with the mastermind behind the Dunkwave project “Vladee Divacc”, Christian Filardo . Actually, they are the only Dunkwave artists so far, since they created the term. Clearly they are the most famous dunkwave artists right now. Below are some of the questions I asked them about their music. If you want me to send you random questions with varying degrees of personal interest and count it as an interview, feel free to email me at [Beachsloths@gmail.com]. I’ll put something together.

1.       What inspired you to name this project after Vlade Divac?

Being a child of the 90's and opening up pack after pack of cards, i had a ton of Divacs, tons, plus he is a deft passer and flopper. Also he is largely mediocre, but had his bright spots and team players are awesome!

2.       More importantly, why and when did you decide to coin the term “Dunkwave” and what makes a song quality as “Dunkwave” (in case others want to follow in your footsteps).

I decided to make Dunkwave or coin it Dunkwave because that was the whole starting point. Not getting picked for the team, dads’ telling their kids to hustle, giants, fouling, and huge civil rights movements: basketball has it all. There is a lot of art in SPORT and I wanted that to be realized. Who are the average players? Why are they even in the NBA? Should they be allowed to hold public office? The only limit to a "Dunkwave" song is that it has to be about basketball or constructed by basketball, if it isn't it isn't Dunkwave. Just titling your song doesn't count.

3.       On your Tumblr, you mention that you’d like to tour in 2011. Are there any particular areas you’d like to perform in and who do you think would be the most receptive of your music?

West Coast, we are super super super broke! Anyone who is into noise, or in the cold, we would be really into the Pacific Northwest possibly Canada. We do better in the cold. We want to play a halftime show, or in the Rose Garden, or maybe somewhere with a lot of mascots. 

4.       Does Tempe, Arizona offer enough support for a musical underground, and are either one of you involved in any other projects you’d like to share with us?

Tempe offers lots of support as does Phoenix, I am the main writer and producer for Vladee Divacc, and eddy has a glitch solo project called "Girlhood". Up to this point I have been writing and recording everything for Divacc, however Eddy is super involved live and is helping me on Get Open.

5.       Who would you cite as influences for your music?

John Cage, Christian Marclay, Peaking Lights, Ponytail, Erik Satie

6.        Are there any particular albums you’ve been enjoying lately?

Weed- DC Hope EP and the Townhouses Mono No Aware EP

7.       Was there any particular moment of “A-ha” that made you choose this artistic path?

Well the idea of sport as art really fascinates me; you don't see regular guys on the street that are 7 foot + that often. To get lots of these guys on a court, make them play a game, and then make them icons, wear their names on our backs its nuts.

8.       Have you ever seen the movie “Space Jam”? Did that movie have any influence over your sound?

Yes, I have seen Space Jam and no it had zero influence over our sound, the soundtrack is pretty sub-par. However, Vlade Divac is in a scene in it briefly outside the Lakers locker room!

9.       If you could score a movie, which movie would it be and why?

Anything for Lynch, we just agree. 

10.   What are your plans after college? Will you continue to create and produce music?

Well, I would like to move to Detroit and use my artistic efforts to help rebuild that city, if music is what I want to do I will. It's for fun, and if it stops being fun then I will stop. 

11.   Let’s say reincarnation exists. Given a choice, what or who would you like to be re-incarnated as? 

John Cage

12.   Do you think that there will be other sports looking to create their own musical genres? Will “Boccewave” become a musical genre, mixing the sounds of Old Italian men playing Bocce with J-Pop?

No, most sports fans just want to live for the game, not for the sounds. I want to live for both. 

2010 end of year list begins

Just randomly picked this after googling "2010". This sort of embodies Canada's true colors.

As October reaches an end, I wonder what will make my year end list. Writing each one of these reviews, I kind of get the impression that 2009 was some sort of “bumper crop” kind of year. So many great bands came out of the woodwork, and we even got a new, actually good genre. I’m still going through all the stuff I have from the year prior, and am shocked at the quality. Definitely I shall include an “apologies for 2009” section in the top list this year. 

Sure, I think that hype was uneven distributed this year. Best Coast was an alright debut, but nothing ground shaking. Same goes for the weak genre known as “Witch House” which barely registers as different enough to count as a new category. Other bands from this year mostly got hyped more than needed (like Vampire Weekend or WAVVES, neither of which is bad but not like some sort of musical savior). 

2010 wasn’t a complete wash though. I got to finally see one of my favorite bands (Beach House) get the kind of respect that they deserved.  Autechre made up for being sort of irrelevant lately with their surprising “Move of Ten”, which had some of those melody beat workouts I adore. And yeah, LCD Soundsystem came out with another album, which is pretty much a big deal anyway you cut it. Fortunately I got to see them live as well so that was a big bonus. 10 years later people care about Ariel Pink, but that should’ve happened much sooner. His style just kind of allowed for him to be proclaimed the founder of chillwave, etc. No worries though, he’s at least going to continue to get the needed attention.

Even in such a quiet year things do get overlooked. I though Keith Fullerton Whitman’s work was absolutely stunning this year, particularly the “Generator” release, but barely anyone paid attention. Toro Y Moi got passed over too, which I was disappointed about since so many other “chillwavers” got much more thumbs up. The Chris Weisman and Greg Davis collaboration got zero attention, even though it was a deeply weird and original take on ambient music. Women did get noticed, but a bit more underappreciated than I would have liked. Oh well, I guess I’ll take what I can get. 

A few old faces came back from the cold. We got the much missed Gil Scott-Heron, who put in a solid performance. Oval returned as much and perhaps flooded the market with too much product. No one had heard anything from you in about 8 years, so multiple EPs and a double disc might come off a bit strong Mr. Popp. Speaking of too much, Uffie finally released an actual album, complete with all the disappointment that was expected. And No Age came out with an album that showed an evolution towards a maturing phase without fully abandoning all that chaos that made me like them so much in the first place. 

I feel that the music I listened to and liked the most tended to be either very ambient or dance based. Deepchord Present Echospace ruled so much, as did the brand new project VHS Head, which only teased us with an EP last year.  Indignant Senility came out of nowhere with its ultra-depressing Lynch-informed doom. 

Before I write any of these bands down, I’m going to give the year some time to hand over a few last albums (cough, Panda Bear, cough). Plus, I want to give some albums a chance to shine. Arcade Fire grew on me over the album, and I feel there may be one or two albums that I’ve already listened to but perhaps not fully connected to yet. Sometimes I think bands fail to realize that music is in fact seasonal, and that realizing a sunny cheerful album over the winter is usually a terrible idea. We’ll see what other albums come my way over the next few weeks, but I feel as if most of my top list has already been made.

Mollom: Will it ruin millions of Spammers careers?

Mollom runs its business under the premise that you don’t want spam clogging up your website. Naturally you’ll only want the very best commenters so you can “have more time and energy to interact with your community”. They claim to have a 99.91% success rate in this field. But really, are they thinking about the little guy?

The little guy might enjoy your writing. But the little guy might like it so much that they must tell you about heavily discounted Viagra or getting better protection for your computer. Without this information, what will you do? How can your computer be protected against nasty viruses, and how can you sexually satisfy your significant other. 

Perhaps your writing attracts a certain loner, ready and willing to bring you the best in online advertising.  Maybe your website is the only way they can interact with humanity, since they suffer badly from agoraphobia. But Mollom doesn’t care about this individual. No, instead they are using the worst of internet etiquette against your very readership. In fact, they even bluntly state that they “kill unwanted content”. Honestly though, who doesn’t want to help out a member of royalty get their money out of their bank account for only a small fee? They even state that you’ll get a piece of the action, so Mollom just ruins that chance for you. 

Your readership has a right to explain how important their rights are as your faithful followers. Online spam advertising brings in billions of dollars of revenue, lifting thousands of people out of poverty every day. Of course, these heartless Belgians couldn’t care less. And isn’t it ironic that Belgians want you to be closer to your community, despite the very fact that their country is being torn apart by indifference to the concept of the nation state. Maybe they should stick to what they are good at, making waffles and being Europe’s Canada. 

 Benjamin Schrauwen appears to be the ringleader, having grown in the demo scene, a sick perverse underworld of nerdom so extreme I can’t even explain in here on a music blog, which in itself is extremely nerdy. Oh, he says he has a blog, but you can’t even follow the link. Some computer programmer this guy must be. Each morning when he wakes up he paraglides over the drab, featureless Belgian landscape, wondering why he hasn’t moved to a more physically appealing country. Maybe a country that has trees or anything resembling “soul”. As he is up there, he looks for the .09% of spammers he hasn’t caught, and, when he finds them, he immediately hits them with a dart containing a deadly combination of Nutella and rattlesnake venom. Every time a spammer on the internet can no longer make pointless posts about pharmaceutical products for cheap, Ben gets a new pair of wings (gliders).

If Ben is the ‘bad cop’, spying on others from far above, Dries Buytaert presents a more positive face to the unsuspecting public. For one, his blog actually works. There you see his inner most workings reveled, like the international conspiracy to rid the internet of spam, delicious, barely relevant spam. And you see how an amateur photographer works, very immaturely.

Together they have their pictures up on Mollum’s website with the requisite sunglasses. Sunglasses are needed to cover their eyes, since it has been said that “eyes are the window to your soul”. Rather than expose their true evil, these Antwerps hide their true colors. They talk about “spambots” as if they weren’t living things, complete with emotions, grammatical errors and misspellings. So heavy is their sheer gall that they even call desirable content ‘ham’ with little to no concern about vegans who may operate websites and may take offense to such harshly worded language.

Spambots are needed. People need to feed themselves off of Spam, not everybody has access to high quality food products like some Western European populations. And they don’t charge, but they say “you MAY never have to pay for our service”. By using the word may instead of will, they open you up to potential gouging, all the while hiding behind obtuse European laws. The laws which are so absolutely boring that even the Europeans who wrote them don’t care.  

They’ve already begun to charge. “Only 1 Euro per day” their site proclaims, but in US dollars that comes out to an unreasonable sum of money (via the collapse of the US dollar in foreign exchanges). Concern about the American way doesn’t end there. When asked if their system jeopardizes freedom of speech, they’re all like “Hells yeah it does, but it was like that when we got here”. Obviously this is an affront to the joy of speaking about offensive topics, like pornography or Nickelback. Falling back on an established way of doing things through the internet isn’t enough.

 America is number one at Spam making, so perhaps Europe just wanted a little piece of the spam pie. Mollum will allow our Spam making competitors to beat us. I mean, we’re literally light years ahead of Iceland’s spam making abilities (1 spam attack) or Norway’s (3). That’s pitiful. We need to continue being number one at this, so our economy can grow more robustly. It is the roughest economic downturn that America has faced since the Great Depression. Please Mollum, let us have this one, not just for me, but for my future children, who yearn to tell you about discounted pharmaceuticals and offensive images. Thank you.

Mollom