LCD Soundsystem on “The Colbert Report”

I was there

                In the midst of my favorite social peers. We were together, willing to celebrate the joyous event. Stephen Colbert smiled gallantly at the illustrious young audience. One could feel the love in the air. It was Valentine’s Day, and everyone sat in anticipation for the musical guest, a rarity for the Colbert Report. LCD Soundsystem was going to play, but first we’d have to play Colbert’s game, being willing participants in laughter, applause. Usually the musical guests tended to be bands less authentic, less hip. After the Daily Show had the Grammy-winning ‘Arcade Fire’ perform, Colbert had to step his game up. 

                I was there

                As Stephen Colbert made some funny jokes about Muburak. These varied in effectiveness. Honestly, I felt like all the jokes about Muburak had already been made as Colbert got ripped from my side last week. Feeling confused, scared, wondering why Colbert would just take off a random week like that. Thankfully it didn’t last too long. 

                I was there

                Listening to Colbert mention something I’d explored earlier. My article about Paul Wooten got mentioned, kind of. Originally the New York Times wrote about it, but my commentary on it was vaguely more humorous. Copying some of my questions, like how old is too young to sue a kid, was a nice touch. Part of me felt a certain kinsman ship to Mr. Colbert. He ‘got it’. 

                I was there

                Watching with eager anticipation as some 41 year old came on stage. This would be James Murphy’s last television broadcast appearance as LCD Soundsystem. Good thing I saw them at Terminal 5, before they started asking for mortgage down payments in order to pay for tickets. But I sat, quivering with pure uncut excitement as this disheveled mid-age man explained after LCD Soundsystem he wanted to follow his dream. Even at his old age, he felt he could still make coffee, could still run DFA Records, and still pump up the jams of varying degrees of intensity. 

                I was there

                Hearing the first bits of the song “I can change” I thought how appropriate. But really, I don’t want James Murphy to change. I want him to continue to have his awesome band until it dies an inglorious death. Each synthesizer makes it worth it, all 8 of them. Multiple drummers, random woman as a ‘romantic interest’, LCD Soundsystem had it all. Playing a short song bothered me a wee bit, as the audience began to get both ‘hot’ and ‘bothered’ by the intensity of their performance. We wanted a hit, but we knew he doesn’t do hits. Indeed it was tough, because we hadn’t had enough, but then he hit the road.

Is suing four year olds for negligence a lucrative business model?

This is a question we really need to ask ourselves as a nation. How much are four year olds worth? I’m assuming millions in terms of potential future earning power. Or you could simply just take away their toys and go “nah-nah-nah” to their faces, which might have the same benefit for some people.

Justice Paul Wooten of the State Supreme Court in Manhattan has decided that yes, suing a four year-old is a lucrative business and in fact legally sound. Citing previous cases from as far back as 1928, he’s determined that this four-year old will pay for acting in “an improper manner”. Really, she was just three months shy of five; maybe it is time that she grew up. Thus, being almost five made her a prime candidate for a lawsuit. Of course, it will be up the jury to decide if she’s guilty or not.  Perhaps this now five year old should have acted with ‘due care’ while she was racing her bike with a friend on East 52^nd street in Manhattan.

It was a normal day in April, 2009 for the 87 year old Clare Menagh. She walked outside her apartment and was brutally hit by one Juliet Breitman, who was being watched by her mother Dana Breitman. The hit was hard, Clare needed hip surgery. Juliet’s training wheels on her bike couldn’t have prepared her for this. She rode on the sidewalk with these training wheels, which is technically legal for anyone under the age of 14 to do in New York City. Since Clare was 87, the chance of her surviving that sort of surgery was slim and she passed away three months later.

After Clare passed away, Clare’s estate got in touch with Juliet Breitman, informing her that they were suing her four year old daughter. This case exemplifies America’s evolution. Previously Clare’s estate might have said “Listen, we understand it was just an accident and it wasn’t intentional. We forgive you.” Now we have a far superior system that legally allows them to say to Ms. Breitman “We’re suing your four year old daughter for all she’s worth. I hope you can find a good lawyer! She’s going to wish she was never born, which wasn’t that long ago anyway.” So clearly we have improved ourselves as a country. 

Sure, some may say that perhaps the Justice Paul Wooten has a sort of bizarre name, and that it sounds kind of made up. Even more might argue the purpose of sending a five year old through our circuitous legal system will only speed up the evolution from idealistic young child to cynical teenager. Maybe by the age of nine Juliet will be a jaded teenager who believes in nothing. But I argue that Justice Paul Wooten decision doesn’t go far enough.

Children are being born each and every day. Our legal system has no way of dealing with these potential troublemakers, who cry loudly in supermarkets, retail outlets, and any other location where people might congregate. Suing children when they are born seems a bit too late. What Justice Paul Wooten should have done is use this opportunity to stem the tide of trouble-making before it begins. 

That’s right; we need to have all those thinking of being parents to pay a fee. Whenever any couple gets married they think about either having children or adopting some. As soon as any couple marries they need to immediately fill out a questionnaire. Most of it will be perfectly innocuous, like asking what their favorite TV show is, if they like dogs, favorite soda. But then there will be the following question:

“Do you plan on having or adopting children and raising them as your own?”

If they answer “yes” to this question, fine them! That’s right, in order to better protect our society, we must pre-emptively fine anyone who plans on having children in the future. By doing this, we will be able to avoid these kind of lawsuits in the future by just referring to the fine. It doesn’t have to be a particularly large fee, only about $10,000 or so. 

Before you pass this off as ridiculous, simply remember that we’re the country who regularly sues restaurants for having their coffee too hot and not warning us about it. We’re the country that needs to explain to people that contents may be hot for fear of being sued.  

So yes, we’ll see just what happens with this Juliet Breitman case. The jury might decide that suing a four year old is “insane and a total waste of everyone’s time”. Maybe it is time for all of our young children to grow up, to learn how to take responsibility for their actions, to learn the alphabet, to learn that Santa Claus isn’t real. America doesn’t allow for children to be children anymore, there’s no more innocence left.