Training Boys and Training Girls

               Well, you see, when you reach a certain age you begin noticing certain changes. Your voice gets deeper and you discover hair in places you didn’t really pay attention to before. Now those places happen to be more interesting than they were before, you’re not really sure why. This is just a part of growing up. Also, you’re an asshole to your parents most of the time yet they tolerate it. Congratulations, you’re a teenager.

                The teenage stage exists in life as something you can look back and say “Well, at least I got to be an asshole with no negative consequences for roughly seven years”. While you’re busy being a repugnant jerk you want love. You want someone to be attracted to you, either physically, mentally, or spiritually (I don’t know if the last one is something which attracts people, maybe that works for Mormons).

                Anyway, everyone goes through this phase. You find someone. Maybe you’re lucky and it is that special someone. Generally speaking, it isn’t. It is usually someone who you’re able to tolerate more than most people yet isn’t a friend of yours. They are something more, something special.

                I remember when this happened to me. Sitting in a crowded room learning Chinese, I saw her. She sat next to me since I was the only other teenager taking beginner’s Chinese. The rest of the class was made up of small children who already spoke Chinese and were taking the class to make me feel stupid, like I should have already known this information. As she sat down, I thought:

                “She looks so cool.”

                Her dress came out of the seventies. When she spoke to me, she had this positively sweet voice. It sounded educated. The education of countless schools I’ve never heard of nor attended. As she wrote down the Pinyin, she wrote down phonetic pronunciations next to next word. Before she left, I asked her what her name was. She told me Sam. I wished I had asked for her phone number, but I forgot to and kicked myself for it.

                One year later her friend Cat approached me. Cat said Sam found me interesting and wanted my email. I had almost forgotten about her. After I gave her my email address, she looked at me like I was crazy. It was such a terrible email address; I’m embarrassed I even had it as an email address.

                Sam emailed me the most articulate proposal for a date ever. I responded with coffee at Starbucks. After I figured out how to get uptown to some previously unknown super-rich area we drank coffee and chatted. While I sat there, she wanted me to ask her questions and pressed me to tell her about myself. Once I finished my coffee, I got back on the train back home. 

Looking at a giant Citibank tower growing out of nowhere as the train came out of the tunnel, I figured I failed. That was the worst experience I had in my entire life. I got home, checked my email, and saw she wanted to meet again. Her emails showed off a certain flair for writing. Mine showed the ability to construct a sentence utilizing basic grammar. 

Together we trained each other. Neither one of us had been in a relationship before. Each one of us overcame certain problems. I learned how to deal with a father who thought I was a worthless idiot though her mother was nicer. She learned the importance of flattering parents with literary references. Her parents thought I was cute though. My parents liked her, but when they first saw her they said “I thought she’d be prettier than that.” Even at that early point in my life, I had learned the important skill of hype. We taught each other all of these important skills and more. 

But it wasn’t meant to be. We grated on one another’s nerves. I didn’t like how she had been to Tibet but didn’t know how to get to Chinatown in lower Manhattan. Our politics clashed. I told her I loved her. Sam said she liked me. From that experience, I learned love is a strong word and like isn’t. Finally, after countless stabs at trying to ignore the other’s relentless ambition to get a perfect SAT score, the other’s ability to laugh through the entire duration of “A Walk to Remember”, and other larger problems we broke it off. 

We broke up over the phone. As she kept on hinting around the idea of breaking up, I bluntly asked:

“Are you trying to break up with me?”

She answered:

“Would you be upset if I said yes?”

I said:

“No, I wouldn’t. You’re free to choose whatever you want.”

The last thing I heard of her voice was:

“Thank you. You’re really nice.” Then she cried a little on the phone before she hung up. 

Everyone has a training boy or a training girl. That way, as you grow older, you’re not a twenty-something who has never been in a relationship. You’re someone who has loved and lost. Maybe next time you’ll be better. Next time things will work out longer. Wait, you’ll see.    

How should I celebrate Valentine’s Day?

                 People have strong opinions on this holiday. Some revel in the opportunities for “Valentine Sex” with their girlfriends, also known as “Birthday sex” for when their love was born, well rarely is it born on that day, but it’s a good excuse. They celebrate by watching a relatively well-regarded film or television program at home in bed. Or maybe they play “Apples to Apples” in bed; really whatever they do must be in bed.  

                Most of the ‘passion’ towards Valentine’s Day is of a different sort. Perhaps Joel Barish (from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind) said it best how it was “a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap”. That is the other extreme: people upset, hurt even, by the reminder that they haven’t met anyone. Meeting the right one isn’t easy, countless dating sites make money off of this little problem, off trying to help you court or woo a special someone. Creating an online dating site is pretty much a sure fire way to constantly get advertising dollars, especially from porn site ads on the side for those a little disheartened from their search. 

                Each year the two forces line up, ready to confront each other. Truth be told, they are extremely diverse groups. Good and bad exist amongst them; I’m certain you’ve meet wonderful, lovely couples. Sometimes I meet ones so perfect I hope they marry, and I secretly hope I’m a close enough friend to get invited to their wedding (I love weddings and the possibility of free, catered food). Single people just might be searching for a certain someone to complete them. They are otherwise fine but maybe haven’t had as much success in meeting people as they’d like. For those types of people, you try to invite them to parties, Karaoke outings, in the hopes of matching them up. Being a matchmaker is a grand thing. 

                Wherever there is good, evil lurks. I’ve met totally messed up couples. One poor soul got beaten up since his “Sims Family” character died in a computer game after ineffectively trying to put out a fire. They had great, almost unbelievably amazing sex as you could see various heavy hand imprints on the shallow walls. Honestly, I wish I could get those imprints out of my head, but they mixed passion with crazy so well. I saw the two berate each other constantly, almost a comedic amount. Or it would’ve been comedic if I didn’t care about them. Personally, I thought they were horrible for each other but 8 years later, they married. Those not in relationships may not be any better.

                I can think of one such individual from whom relationships eluded him for good reason. He never cut his hair. From the back, he looked like a girl and got a few people very confused. Each day he’d pay for things in ‘shoe money’ since he failed to purchase a wallet, which is generally used for those sorts of transactions. Personally, I saw him feebly explain to the cashier “Sorry, it was, uh, in my shoe.” Never at any point did it occur to him that perhaps he might want to take it out of his shoe before he met the cashier’s steely gaze. Or he could have bought a wallet. For him, it is somewhat obvious to see why he remained single. Plus, as icing on the cake, he failed to use a refrigerator over the winter, preferring to store food items under snow. When we returned back from a hard day of doing nothing, he dug out a gallon of milk fully frozen. There are many reasons he remained single, despite the charming way he named his Myspace page “Casual Sex” and joined the “Casual Sex” group on Myspace. 

                This year, I want some help from both camps. How can one get through this holiday without succumbing to either extreme? I want to get through Valentines’ Day without giving up what makes me so special. What I’ve tended to do is walk around Chinatown alone, looking at all those cute live creatures.  Sometimes I see the courage of these creatures, trying to escape an inevitable fate of ending up on someone’s plate. A crab once escaped from its bucket of fellow crabs, yearning to break free from the oppressive tyranny, a society which wanted to eat him (or her). Looking on, I watched as the store owner eventually caught it. Rather than being upset at the crab, the store owner stood smiling, amused at this feeble attempt of escape. For that crab, I created a blog. If a creature which can’t even walk straight has faith, then you should too this Valentine’s Day.

                Find that special someone. If you already have the one, or “a person” what do you do to celebrate this cliché-ridden holiday? What is a creative way of celebrating it? Do you buy chocolates, go ice-skating, or do you use it as an excuse to fool around at home as you watch something you’ve probably already seen a couple of times. I’m curious; I never know how people approach this day, besides from the single point of view. Coming from one of those losers at the game of love; I want to know what leads to those wonderful, lasting relationships. Love is an emotion I’m not very familiar with, how do you let this great things build up, how does it grow?

                Opposites attract according to various sitcoms, parental advice, dating sites, advertisements, etc. If opposites attract, does that mean people keep their original personalities, or do they change over time? Having been around old couples, I guess they end up looking like one another after a period of time, their faces and bodies melting into one particular mold. They have the same interests in Rachmaninov and growing tomatoes in the garden. Maybe over time the two reconcile their differences and slowly meet each other’s expectations, becoming better people in the process.

                Let me know what you’d do to avoid the Valentines’ Day problems, those trials and tribulations it entails. Can Valentines’ Day even be indie, or it is too mainstream: any attempts to be hip will fail miserably. Any suggestions or any way of shedding light on this elusive subject would be greatly appreciated. I’m in the dark on love, and I want to be brought into the light.