North Korea is a beautiful, blessed country under the enlightened rule of Kim Jong Il. For years he created a true worker’s paradise. In fact, so great was this paradise that people no longer had to eat, allowing us to use the money on our military. Independent North Korean film festivals in Pyongyang are a must for the dear leader, whose subjects attend the films more than the decadent imperialist swine from South Korea who wallows in their own waste.
Sadly, I am writing about my concern regarding the recent movie shown to all proud North Koreans. The practice of Juche (self-reliance) has been forever sullied. Ruining the vibrant arts community that exists in North Korea is not the best way of introducing 100 years of Juche reigning supreme over our illustrious country. People deserve better than to be fed the filth from the corrupt capitalist regimes.
Of course I’m talking about the airing of the movie: “Bend it like Beckham”. Presented on North Korean television, I truly grew offended at what it proposed. Who was this Beckham person, and why would we ever want to bend it like him? What specific abilities did he have that our own soccer champions did not possess? And besides, what country did this take place in? Last time I checked, the “UK” wasn’t one of the five countries North Koreans were told about. Obviously this is part of a Western-inspired plot to provoke unrest within the peaceful kingdom.
The amount of absurdity knows no bounds in this travesty of a sham of a movie. Soccer is our best sport; the mere suggestion that there are others winning it is so silly. Whenever we face another team, the other team sees the determination and motivation of our players and stands down, allowing us to score goal after goal. Due to our nuclear weapons, they know how foolish it would be to upset us, knowing we would scale a full-out assault on their homeland with our victorious army.
Kim Jong-Un must put a stop to these instigators. How they managed to break into the country and gain access to an hour’s worth of television programming is beyond me. I know that North Korea faces many foes from the outside, but I was assured that Kim Jong-Un had eaten most of them. At least that’s what I had been advised by high-ranking party officials upon inquiring about his waistline.
What bothers me most is the unsettling feeling that our people might have actually chosen this rubbish as an example of ‘good cinema’. If that is the case, perhaps our glorious leader needs to create “re-education” camps to show them good films. Though I hope our people didn’t choose this, we must have Kim Jong-Un guide the poor sheep to true taste. Perhaps an idea might be to kidnap various directors to produce movies for North Korea, something we’ve done before. That way we could help our wayward brothers and sister realize what is good. Below are some directors who ought to be kidnapped and brought back to North Korea. Most of them share North Korean concerns about the temptations of wealth and fame, so they would be suitable:
1. Wes Anderson – I know he is free. All of his movies show how dissatisfied his wealthy characters are, and they end the same way: with all of the characters coming together in slow motion to sing the praises of North Korean self-reliance.
2. David Lynch – David Lynch shows the true colors of American capitalism. Movies like “Eraserhead” show how concerns about wealth lead to the birth of disgusting pig children and how erasers are made.
3. Jim Jarmusch – showing the emptiness of life in America and its hostility towards foreigners, I know his movie would make a good fit for North Korean cinema.
4. Coen Brothers – Their exploration on practitioners of self-reliance (Juche) make them superb. When I saw how the Big Lebowski lived in accordance to Juche, I nearly cried at the industrious work ethic of “The Dude”.
Those are by no means the only directors. But I feel they would help inspire selflessness amongst all of our citizenry. After our investigation, I hope that we do not discover our citizens have poor taste and that it was simple infiltrators. Let us give praise to our glorious leader!