We got lucky: the end of the world falls on a weekend. Imagine if the end of the world occurred on a work day. Forget it, we wouldn’t be prepared. You’d be judged in the worst possible environment. All those things you wanted to do, to get all the depravity out of your system before being raptured, are inaccessible. The most rotten thing you might do at work before the end of the world is check your email on company time.
Every few years the end of the world is proclaimed. Various now-dead people and civilizations predicted the end of the world. They picked some obscure, far away date to make people felt better about how things were going. “Don’t mind that famine” they’d say “the world isn’t going to end for long time”. I wonder why we look to these groups for guidance when they did such a poor job at pinpointing their own demise. Shoot, some of the groups whose advice we take seriously never even knew what a wheel was.
The apocalypse occurs on a fairly regular basis. In case the one on Saturday doesn’t get us, maybe the 2012 one will. Or, if we get lucky in 2012, perhaps there’s another long-dead civilization that predicted our demise in 2020. If all else fails turn to Nostradamus who probably didn’t predict anything, besides knowing what a buzzkill he was at parties.
Dealing with the end of the world can be tough. Should I max out all my credit cards? Should I move to rural Montana and stock up on 4 tons worth of Spam. To prevent you from making a life-changing and potentially embarrassing commitment I have some things you could do without looking foolish.
1. Go to a Party
When in doubt about what to do (and this is true in any situation) go to a party. By having the apocalypse on Saturday, you can crash on Sunday in case civilization ends. It is remarkably easy to sleep off a hangover when there is no noise. No traffic, no trains, no toilet flushing and no sounds of a vacuum cleaner to bother you. Of course, it being a party, you may also want to
2. Have sex
Since you’re so worried about the end of the world, it is important to relax. Perhaps at that party you might meet Mr. or Mrs. Right (or Right Now). Remembering the important life lesson you learned from the movies, you not-so-subtly make your move. Don’t worry about the passion; it’s the end of the world baby. In case the world doesn’t end you at the very least had some fun, got some sex. Losing your virginity at what might be the end of the world isn’t a terrible thing either. “Independence Day” was one of the most philosophical films to touch upon sex during the apocalypse. A minor character cooing says “You don’t want to die a virgin do you?” Using all your charm is required in order to effectively pull off that line.
3. Drink
If you know or think it is going to be the end of the world, go all out. Don’t worry about having a hangover as you’ll be dead. When the world doesn’t end, you’ll probably be wishing it did. Carry this out. Even Mormons could hit the bottle with little repercussion as they were under the impression it would all be over. Drinking often (but not always) brings merriness and good cheer. Once you realize it is the end of the world, don’t you want to end it on a good note?
4. Start a Cult
What better time to start a cult than an alleged ‘end of times’? Cults pay big money. Generally speaking, try to have your cult members from the middle to upper middle class cult. Many cults mooch off of their members’ money. If you do it right you’ll get to ‘communal’ status, where everybody shares everything. Avoid a really creepy or violent cult. Have a near-believable status. Wear matching clothes; preferably choose something which rides the line between ironic and stupid. Keep in mind outsiders won’t get it. Once you explain your cult was created to prepare for the end of the world, it makes much more sense.
5. Take a Nap
Nothing says “Bring it on” like sleeping through the end of the world. The world usually doesn’t end, or at least hasn’t yet. You can take a nap while the world allegedly ends. In the rare case that the world does end at least you have a fairly pleasant journey towards death, unlike all those people screaming as they plunge to their deaths. At least you got a good night’s rest.
6. Surf the Internet
Call this a ‘lame’ idea. Go ahead. I dare you. But if you are reading this, you probably spend a vast quantity of time surfing the internet. Twitter would be trending “#endoftheworld”. You can use that tag to mock everyone else who thought it was ending. But if the world does end, you’ll lose internet connectivity at some point.
7. Create a really weird play-list
This is tough. How do you capture the destruction of the entire world, everything you’ve ever known in a single play-list? Even for someone who has listened to a great deal of music like me, it is a tough problem. You could decide to make it ironic, with lots of corny giant riffs. Perhaps “November Rain” could make it in there. Movie soundtracks may fit the bill. Get some really loud classical pieces and put them together. To do it more tastefully, try to include quiet, mildly depressing pieces. For a party, have a bunch of dance tracks from bands like L.F.O, Daft Punk, Justice, Lords of Acid, DJ Sprinkles, etc. In case people think you’re being too weird, explain you’re confused by how to approach the end of the world.
As the end of the world will be on May 21st I’ll be personally taking some of this advice myself. I hope you decide to use some of these suggestions (for they are only suggestions) and mix them with your own ideas. Together we’ll get through this non-end of the world. Everything is going to be okay.