Video Game Review: L.A. Noire

                Remember growing up with Video Games? Well I don’t. I grew up in a strict Amish family. The Butter Churn was our Pac Man; barn rising, our Super Mario Brothers. Years after the fact, I look back with nostalgia at lazy Saturday afternoons constructing an entire building from scratch. Perhaps it was a simpler time for me, before I got involved with the English and the internet.

                Video Games were lost on me. I thought they were just pointless action sequences. Some of my friends began telling me about one particular video game, L.A. Noire, that I might enjoy. According to them it had a compelling storyline, intelligence and a bit more on mid-century economists than you’d expect. Usually I don’t hear about such epic tales about video games. While I’ve heard this isn’t the first time this has happened, it may be the most impressive.

                We start in 1940s Los Angeles. Our hero (Cole Phelps) comes from Kansas as a way of righting the evil he sees in the world. Los Angeles to him appears as a place where Satan has taken hold of the poor citizenry. Early in the game, as he’s rising through the ranks of the Police Force, he sees his first murder victim. As they remove the sheet they placed over her, with her body mutilated beyond recognition after she had been murdered to death, he turns to his dog and says “Toto I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!”

                The Midwest comes up a lot in the game. Slowly we learn of Cole Phelps’s background. His family (the Joads) constantly bothers him for money. Apparently they work as sharecroppers trying to scrape by after they left Oklahoma years ago. Compared to the rest of his family, Cole has made it further than anyone would have imagined. As a child, Cole suffered badly from being utterly useless n rural Kansas, conducting investigations of missing corn stalks but not actually picking anything. Occasionally you see how Cole tries to overcome his feelings of inadequacy by frequenting prostitutes. Prostitutes help restore Cole’s health after he gets shot.

                A lot of people are working against Cole. Corruption extends to the highest offices in the Los Angeles. You have to avoid being assassinated a few times. To ensure better odds of survival, you’ll need to befriend an Anarchist couple from Turku, Finland: the Dickovers. Full warning though, Cole laughs uncontrollably at the city name Turku, thinking it to be such a silly name.

                By the end of the 40s you come close to breaking the Governor’s iron grip on the state government. The final battle requires you to stock up on small puppies to shoot at the Governor, killing him with kindness. Or you can employ a prostitute who will begin singing “Killing me Softly” and moving Governor Nixon to tears. Either way, you will lose the 1978 Chevy Camaro you got from the wormhole in the Red Light district. 

                I don’t want to give away the entire game’s plot. There are certain touches that make the game more entertaining which avoid giving away further plot details. Whenever you need to make change for a $10 or a $20, you need a Math Blaster. Math Blaster is a game within the game where you save the universe by doing basic addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. Do this enough and you’ll earn your Ph.D in mathematics. Once you earn your Ph.D in Mathematics, you have to choose between working for Friedrich Hayek or John Keynes. Either way, you have to give up working the beat as a police officer.

                Overall, I really liked this game. Certainly I am excited for DC McCarthy, where you’re a small-time representative from Minnesota who has to work to clear the names of alleged enemies of the state.

Rules for dealing with the Westboro Baptist Church People

               Occasionally I try to give out important social skills to improve your life. Whether it is how to act at Karaoke, getting a MIX CD together, or just learning more about writers, I guide you through this crazy world we live in. Believe me though; nothing is crazier than the Westboro Baptist Church.

                Here a group of people have made a career out of pissing people off. Not just by thumbing their noses at you, but by protesting at funerals for fallen soldiers. Each time someone attacks or assaults them, or in any way bothers them, they sue. An entire legal practice has been made off of their idiocy, the Phelps Charted Law Firm. Great deals of money are generated by this, literally hundreds of thousands of dollars. Basically, they support themselves by being the world’s biggest in-real-life trolls. 

                Their insanity would be funny if they weren’t so serious about it. Some of their targets are absolutely abhorrent, such as their insistence of protesting at Marines’ funerals. Basically, they are internet trolls if internet trolls had a $200,000 traveling budget and a couple of sign holders uttering complete nonsense for a couple of hours. 

                Other targets of theirs appear to be almost nonsensical. Sweden draws their ire, as does the Italy, which they call “mobster-breeders”. The language at times becomes so intense, so hateful, that one wonders if they even are a church or the most obtuse concept art known to man.

                Below are a few ways of dealing with them that hopefully will limit your intense disgust at these foul-mouthed losers from Kansas.

1.       Do not get too close – Many of their successful lawsuits come from people assaulting them. I mean, if you see a couple of jerkoffs who traveled halfway across the country to protest at your best friend’s funeral, you’d be bothered too. Avoid physical contact

2.       Keep your cool – No need to rile them up. Keep in mind these are just words, and, while deliberately made to be as hurtful as possible, they can’t actually physically hurt you. If you try to threaten them or in any way bother them, they’ll leave. 

3.       Make out – Uh, if you were a part of a giant, cult-like, hate-filled family, imagine how angry you’d be if you saw other people making out. That’d annoy you, I’d imagine. Bring a boyfriend. Bring a girlfriend. Bring multiple friends. Kiss in front of them, effectively melting their hearts (just kidding, but your love will counterbalance their hate to some degree).

4.       Not Today, Fred – This is a great sign. Fred Phelps heads up whatever you want to call them (they aren’t a church since no church recognizes them as such). Let him know you’re not okay with him today. My God loves everyone. 

5.       Raise money – For every minute they protest, have people contribute money. You’d be surprised how energized an 81 year old man can be by hate alone. Usually there’s a few of them, I guess they take turns protesting everything on Earth.

6.       Make a website called “Godhates____.com” and refuse them the weblink – This is a good idea. They have websites like “GodhatesAmerica.com”, “GodhatesSweden.com”, and so on. Block this problem. Create sites like “GodhatesBelgium.com” or “Godhateslefthandedpeople.com” or “Godhatesitwhenpeanutbutterstickstotheroofofyourmouth.com”. Creating these limits the amount of websites they have, or at least bothers them. Apparently one of the members of this cult is fairly skilled with website layout. I have zero idea of how that happened. 

7.       Counter-Protesting in General – Every time I’ve counter-protested some ridiculous group (something that happens quite often in New York) I’ve ended up meeting great people. So while they are awful, countering their arguments is fairly easily. You know, you just might make a new friend.

8.       Call a couple of Motorcyclists to Protect you – A motorcycle club who acts as a buffer between the Westboro Baptist Church and normal people. They go around the country, helping others just like you. The Patriot Guard Riders are a great group of peoples. 

9.       Ignore them – This goes under the age old advice to dealing with internet trolls: don’t feed the trolls. By paying attention to them you encourage their behavior. If you’re unable to do this, to ignore their awfulness, feel free to use the other tips.

10.   Go to the UK – They can’t go there. Under the UK’s quintessentially English-named law “Least Wanted List” they are barred from ever entering the country. 

Basically, ignoring them is the best strategy. Some have posited the idea that he doesn’t care at all about what he protests against. None of this protests are against a particular person, just a group, idea, or country. Since Westboro Baptist church is such a nutty group, see the following link about their existence as a profit-making entity: The Theory

I hope this list gives you some way of coping with the distress they cause.

Origin Story 4

California in the 60s embodied the best of America: great schools, wonderful bands, nice clean beaches that extended into infinity. I used to walk around the beach, hanging out, practicing my voice for the choir. I felt blessed knowing that I had been chosen to become a child actor, a career that had no negative side effects whatsoever. 

                Having so much power felt great. I played Tommy in the hit TV show “Eight is Enough”. Eight was more than enough, with me being the main attraction. The other children were mere decorations compared to the grit and soul I gave to Tommy’s character. Later in “Charles in Charge” I played Buddy, a cool bro with Scott Baio. Together we changed the face of Television. 

                Off the set, I became a buddy to many as well. My all-night parties are still talked about to this very day. A few of them lasted for days, as I played the hell out of my guitar for my indie rock band “Willie Ames & Paradise”. Successfully I wooed many young starlets with my songs about drinking, doing drugs, and having crazy amounts of sex.

                Life felt great. I nearly won an Oscar for my role in the hit movie “Zapped”. Work came to me like the sun did in the morning. Everything would last forever in the 80s. I was king of the world.

                Sadly, my reign got cut short by the 90s. In the 90s, people stopped doing as many drugs. Worried, I saw a therapist, but he didn’t help. Instead, my therapist appeared to be enabling me with my bad behavior. So I continued doing a ton of drugs and alcohol.

                Things became real one day though. As I stood in line at 7/11 at 4 in the afternoon, completely out of my mind on Quaaludes, a little girl coming home from school began singing:

Charles in Charge
Of our days and our nights
Charles in Charge
Of our wrongs and our rights

And I sing, I want,
I want Charles in Charge of me.

          I thought I was in charge of my life. But here I was, freaking out heavily in the aisle of a 7/11, stealing pet food to eat. The song reminded me of being younger, more responsible. Charles, I remembered him well. He was the therapist I saw, who I stole his kid’s college fund of $80,000 to buy more blow. Obviously he enabled me, by allowing me to go on his computer while he went to the bathroom and removing funds from his online checking account. It was a test of faith, and I passed.

          Rehab looked good. For a while, I thought I’d just try methamphetamines, but Christianity appealed to me slightly more. Plus, I didn’t really have enough money for any more drugs, so Christianity had a lower money threshold.

          Being a born again Christian, I decided to repent for my wicked ways. I wrote my former therapist Charles a thank you note for the $80,000 I stole from him. It read:

Dear Charles,

Thank you for the $80,000.

I used it to buy blow.

Due to my large purchase I got a discount.

It was good shit.

          Around that time, I figured why not let other people understand the joy I had in discovering the Lord. Watching Spiderman expose himself to children, and Batman’s generally erratic behavior, I thought why not create a more stable superhero. Too many superheroes harbored grunges. Instead of that, I figured have a Superhero who gained his powers from passages in the Bible. Someone told me that the superhero should be named “Bibleman” but I told that ‘someone’ to get out of my face.

          Bibleman ended up a tremendous success. I not only got to reappear on TV but taught children about the joys of worshipping Jesus. Then the criticism came in. Rather than journalists taking hold of my comparison to “High Budget Sunday School mixed with Batman” they instead described it as “overweight man quotes passages from the Bible”. Others stated that even though Veggietales were animated vegetables they had more soul than the hallowed out shell I had. 

          I tried to not let it bother me. Moving to Kansas to escape it all, I realized I couldn’t afford Kansas since I had no money. Quoting the bible, I stated that “It is easier for a camel to pass through the hole of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven” – some dude in the Bible. No matter what I did, becoming an ordained minister, fighting evil doers with bible passages, nothing worked. Without anyone to turn to, I moved back to Los Angeles.

          On Thanksgiving Day I thought about what I was thankful. I said quietly to myself, tears welling up in my eyes “Nothing”. Mulling over what I should do next, I looked at the Bible. Asking myself “What would Jesus do?” I came to the answer “Kill Himself”. Disappointed at how dark the Bible was, and how I didn’t really understand it so hot, I began to prepare myself for suicide.

          Trying to place a noose on the ceiling fan, the table broke beneath my legs. Stupid table, I yelled at the inanimate object. Extracting its revenge, a piece of the wooden table stuck itself in my ass. Calling the hospital, I underwent emergency ass surgery.

          My doctor came in with a stoic expression on her face. Reading my charts, she solemnly stated “You may never fart again.” Days went by as a thought of a world without farts. Children played outside my room, I watched them from my bed. One of the kids asked the other “Pull my finger”. I literally broke down and shoved my head into my pillow, uncontrollably sobbing. Luckily for me, the surgery was successful but my farting situation remained tenuous at best.  

          For weeks I walked around with a cast around my ass, drawing all sorts of unwanted attention. By staying inside, I avoided the taunts of schoolchildren. Catching up on music, my last true salvation, I stumbled upon music blogs. These music blogs offered various repeating links, to Pitchfork and Tiny Mix Tapes. One displayed a different sort of link, to a place called “Hipster Runoff”. Reading it, I felt relevant for the first time in years. His writing spoke to my soul. I re-wrote the “Charles in Charge” theme song into “Carles in Charge”. Upon the liquidation of my estate in Kansas, Carles suggested we meet up.

          Carles’s real name is Poindexter Dinkelhof the III, a 42 year old accountant from Wichita, Kansas. Meeting him at a local Chili’s with his wife, he explained to me how I could turn my life around. For him, music gave him an outlet that he didn’t have in his real job. His children loved him for it, he said. Do something that you’ve always wanted to do, change your life he told me.

          Feeling inspired and bankrupt, I became a licensed financial advisor. Since I went into bankruptcy and hit rock bottom, I decided my woes were things others might learn from. Also, I got a job working as entertainment for a cruise line, fulfilling my dreams of becoming a true-blue traveler of the world.

          In my free time I created a music blog in the style of HRO, except not as good. Naming it “Beach Sloth” it began late this summer. 

          Why the name, you might ask? Well, since I’m a big believer in Christianity, I wanted to convert all beings into Christianity, beginning with the animals. Since sloths are named after a sin, I wanted to reach out to them first.

          Once I get enough money, I want to lure the sloths to the beach by putting lots of comfy pillows on the sand. After they are lulled to sleep, I will then baptize them. Upon their baptism, I’ll offer them coffee so they might be more productive members of society. 

          Hopefully you’ve learned something about me today. I heart all of you.