Every day I fight the same battle. Facial hair tries to stand up on my face. Using the latest in razor technology, I defeat it. While I’m winning the battle, I’m losing the war. I wonder is the war even winnable? Or should I accept the fact that my stumble is as persistent as Homer Simpson’s, never quite going away no matter how much time I dedicate to its demise.
There is a simple solution to this issue: let it grow. I could try to see how I’d look with one. Part of me already has some idea: I look like someone who asks you for money while you wait for your train. Usually I come up with a bizarre story for why I need the money. As you grow more bored with me, I explain how I need money for raw broccoli to cure my cancer. Due to the sheer passage of time and a slight pang of pity (I picked you well) you give it to me.
You see, I am extremely ambivalent about growing a beard. Below I’m going to list some of the pro and cons I can think of for this particular lifestyle change:
Pros:
- I can stroke my chin as I listen to music. Oddly, this is far more appealing than I am openly willing to admit.
- All my other friends are doing it. Sure mock peer pressure all you want, but at the end of the day don’t we all want acceptance by our peers? I know I do.
- Growing a beard will bring me slightly closer to the elbow-patch Professor lifestyle I’m so envious of. Some days I wake up at noon and realize if I was a Professor this would be normal.
- My face will finally have a compliment. For years, I’ve been a blank one. Image what it would look like with a distinctive beard.
- What would the color be? Some people claim your facial color has to look like your hair. I’ve seen first-hand evidence to the contrary. Personally, I’d like to see what color I’d get. I’m hoping for red.
- Respect for my ancestors – About two centuries ago one of my ancestors headed up a whaling vessel. If I really want to follow the beard to its logical conclusion, I’ll need to perfect an 18th century beard style. Plus, I’ll have to visit the Azores at least once or twice.
- I can sleep in even more: I have to shave in the morning. By avoiding shaving, I can sleep in for another five to ten extra minutes. Considering how little sleep I work off of already, any additional sleep would help. Sometimes I’m so tired I wonder how uncomfortable it’d be to sleep on my cubicle floor.
- Save money on razors: Razor technology is getting absurd. I don’t know how many more Mach improvements I can stand. The amount of razors per razor baffles me. My money could be spent on other things, such as candy, more lemonade, Kombucha, and better headphones.
- With a beard my face will be warmer
- A beard will help me look like Gandalf.
- Finally I can get around to listening to more jazz.
- My transformation to full-fledged hipster will be complete.
Cons:
- My transformation to full-fledged hipster will be complete.
- Office workers might respect me slightly less, if that is possible.
- I’ll have an itchy face.
- By surrendering to the facial hair, I admit defeat. I need to stand strong against this foreign invader.
- The aforementioned beggar look is a strong possibility.
- By growing a beard, I’ll need a more artistic outlet than mere blogger. I’ll probably need to play an acoustic guitar and sing about the trauma I faced failing High School algebra.
- Having a beard will make me look more disorientated and sleepy than I already do. Considering I’m a sloth, I’m not sure if that would be a good idea.
- I’ll need to carry around some bulky film camera explaining to everyone I meet that I’m an artist.
- Whenever I talk about music I’ll be thought of as an effete snob rather than a passionate weirdo. That beard might bring me over the edge.
- I wouldn’t be able to hug my favorite people without scratching their face. This might be the biggest con in my opinion. Whereas before I haven’t always been huggable I’ve been getting more approachable lately.
- Since most of my friends have beards, there could be additional confusion.
- People tell me you need to ‘maintain’ a beard, this goes against the main reasons I’d grow one.
- People might think I’m more into folk or metal, two main genres of the average bearded man. As someone who doesn’t follow either genre too carefully, this is a big downside.
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What do you think? Is a scruffy look worth it? Should I have other reasons to get or not get a beard? Let me know. I want to have a vote for this important decision about my face.