Me vs. Beard

                Every day I fight the same battle. Facial hair tries to stand up on my face. Using the latest in razor technology, I defeat it. While I’m winning the battle, I’m losing the war. I wonder is the war even winnable? Or should I accept the fact that my stumble is as persistent as Homer Simpson’s, never quite going away no matter how much time I dedicate to its demise.

                There is a simple solution to this issue: let it grow. I could try to see how I’d look with one. Part of me already has some idea: I look like someone who asks you for money while you wait for your train. Usually I come up with a bizarre story for why I need the money. As you grow more bored with me, I explain how I need money for raw broccoli to cure my cancer. Due to the sheer passage of time and a slight pang of pity (I picked you well) you give it to me. 

                You see, I am extremely ambivalent about growing a beard. Below I’m going to list some of the pro and cons I can think of for this particular lifestyle change:

Pros:

-          I can stroke my chin as I listen to music. Oddly, this is far more appealing than I am openly willing to admit. 

-          All my other friends are doing it. Sure mock peer pressure all you want, but at the end of the day don’t we all want acceptance by our peers? I know I do. 

-          Growing a beard will bring me slightly closer to the elbow-patch Professor lifestyle I’m so envious of. Some days I wake up at noon and realize if I was a Professor this would be normal.

-           My face will finally have a compliment. For years, I’ve been a blank one. Image what it would look like with a distinctive beard.

-          What would the color be? Some people claim your facial color has to look like your hair. I’ve seen first-hand evidence to the contrary. Personally, I’d like to see what color I’d get. I’m hoping for red.

-          Respect for my ancestors – About two centuries ago one of my ancestors headed up a whaling vessel. If I really want to follow the beard to its logical conclusion, I’ll need to perfect an 18^th century beard style. Plus, I’ll have to visit the Azores at least once or twice. 

-          I can sleep in even more: I have to shave in the morning. By avoiding shaving, I can sleep in for another five to ten extra minutes. Considering how little sleep I work off of already, any additional sleep would help. Sometimes I’m so tired I wonder how uncomfortable it’d be to sleep on my cubicle floor. 

-          Save money on razors: Razor technology is getting absurd. I don’t know how many more Mach improvements I can stand. The amount of razors per razor baffles me. My money could be spent on other things, such as candy, more lemonade, Kombucha, and better headphones. 

-          With a beard my face will be warmer 

-          A beard will help me look like Gandalf.

-          Finally I can get around to listening to more jazz. 

-          My transformation to full-fledged hipster will be complete. 

Cons:

-          My transformation to full-fledged hipster will be complete. 

-          Office workers might respect me slightly less, if that is possible. 

-          I’ll have an itchy face.

-          By surrendering to the facial hair, I admit defeat. I need to stand strong against this foreign invader. 

-          The aforementioned beggar look is a strong possibility. 

-          By growing a beard, I’ll need a more artistic outlet than mere blogger. I’ll probably need to play an acoustic guitar and sing about the trauma I faced failing High School algebra. 

-          Having a beard will make me look more disorientated and sleepy than I already do. Considering I’m a sloth, I’m not sure if that would be a good idea. 

-          I’ll need to carry around some bulky film camera explaining to everyone I meet that I’m an artist.

-          Whenever I talk about music I’ll be thought of as an effete snob rather than a passionate weirdo. That beard might bring me over the edge. 

-          I wouldn’t be able to hug my favorite people without scratching their face. This might be the biggest con in my opinion. Whereas before I haven’t always been huggable I’ve been getting more approachable lately. 

-          Since most of my friends have beards, there could be additional confusion. 

-          People tell me you need to ‘maintain’ a beard, this goes against the main reasons I’d grow one. 

-          People might think I’m more into folk or metal, two main genres of the average bearded man. As someone who doesn’t follow either genre too carefully, this is a big downside.

-           

What do you think? Is a scruffy look worth it? Should I have other reasons to get or not get a beard? Let me know. I want to have a vote for this important decision about my face.

Explosions in the Sky at Radio City Music Hall

               I’ve gone to concerts at Radio City Music Hall before. Usually they feel a bit stuffy due to me sitting down and politely casting judgment from the nosebleed seats. Tonight that didn’t happen. Instead, I found myself enjoying some of the benefits of having a giant room and seats.

                Eluvium came up first. He introduced himself with a brief “Good Evening” and proceeded to play for a short period of time. While I’d like to comment more on his performance, I happened to constantly hear the crackling of plastic candy around me which distracted me. So from what I could focus on he appeared to be a more indie version of George Winston. The playing was moody which fit the rather awful weather had tonight.

                Low came up next. They were sweeter than I expected them to be. When I hear their music, I think of the best kind of loving-making music. Keep in mind as I say this I’m a giant music nerd. Some of my friends have informed me this distinction is held by Belle & Sebastian. I’d like to change that to these wonderful people from Duluth, Minnesota who virtually embodies Minnesota nice.

                For this concert they had a quartet. All the songs were from their new album “C’mon”. In a live setting, I felt the album really does show a mixture between their “Things We Lost in the Fire” and “I could live in Hope” periods. Most of the songs were extremely quiet and slow. I’m not sure how many in the audience were as excited as I was for them, but I did hear a few ‘I love these guys’ so I’m glad I wasn’t alone.

                Actually, Low being there was the reason I decided to go in the first place. I’d never seen them before. Getting tickets to a concert just to see one of the opening acts probably cements my reputation as a Hipster, in case seeing Animal Collective twice didn’t already do that for me. But Low deserve it. They continually put out a good product.

                “Try to Sleep” started things up, followed by my personal favorite “You See Everything”, then “Nightingale” a few others, finishing off with a loud “Nothing But Heart”. If I had a problem with their set, it was probably a slight displeasure with the bassist. Occasionally I felt the bassist was on a different page than the rest of the band. Usually this wouldn’t be noticeable, but in a band as quiet and dependent on the low end as Low, it irked me ever so slightly. When they ended people clapped but I wished they clapped harder. Low does something so unusual in the music world by following their own muse rather than making naked grabs at the latest trends. Few bands have the guts to do that, so I respect them for the decision.

                Explosions in the Sky are a band I enjoy quite a band. When Post-Rock sort of fell by the wayside, these guys were just starting out. I felt bad for them as they were fairly excellent. They were resigning themselves to a genre with diminishing returns. Bands that get into these fading away genres can get ignored despite their obvious quality.

                Since they were the headlining act, they avoided such a fate. Before they began, they started out with heartfelt thanks towards the preceding two acts, particularly Low. As Explosions in the Sky excels at some of the quieter, more tender aspects of its sound, it didn’t shock me they considered Low a class act. I’m glad they brought Low in for the ride.

                What made them so interesting is their penchant for avoiding some of the Post-Rock template. Build-ups were there for sure, but they also randomly explode. This isn’t so much intellectual music as it is emotional. I didn’t realize a few people could make so much or so little sound. A few moments they literally stopped on a dime. Or the opposite would happen as their guitars propelled us to the sky.

                Perhaps their name is apt. They do well both in an almost shoegaze setting, with mellow guitar interplay. Sometimes they explode into glorious color, all the while never missing sight of the other players. Everyone on stage worked together to make the songs work; there weren’t any solos, a real rarity for a genre that embraces them.

                I hope someday soon when the 90s begin getting mined for material Post-Rock becomes one of those old genres newly embraced. As new bands discover the joy of Post-Rock, they’ll notice Explosions in the Sky kept the seat warm for them.

Latest Hipster Runoff Gimmick: The Hipster Runoff [official] Facebook Profile

                Two weeks have passed since I last covered the online hipster phenomena known as “Hipster Runoff”. A lot has happened in those two weeks. 2011 is the year Carles ‘pulls out all the stops’ and truly solidifies his online presence, since the internet has fully sucked him in. My wondering of him existing as a human being only increases upon this event.

                Of course, I’m talking about Hipster Runoff [official] coming onto Facebook. At first I was confused, like didn’t Hipster Runoff already exist on Facebook. Apparently that was a fake profile and this one was the real thing. So now you get updates from every single part of your online existence, from your RSS feed to your twitter, now finally making it to Facebook. 

                 I rushed in, becoming one of the select few to claim they got there early. Sadly, ‘second’ was already taken by Carles himself, eliminating the joy one might have derived from this action. Who got first? That proved to be ok, it was nice seeing Carles expose himself, his true self, and via the anonymous presence he has on the internet.

                While I said before that Hipster Runoff becoming a dating site, well I was wrong. Its presence on Facebook is a whole another matter. None of those people posting on HRO generally had a picture up of themselves. Looking through the profiles of the people posting, I am surprised at the amount of cuteness. Some of them look like perfect alt-baguettes. I’m half-tempted to sort of flirt with them, but I shouldn’t though I probably will anyway. For both men and women, there are serious HILFs (Hipsters I’d like to Fuck) in the group. 

                Oddly, I’m assuming this is why Carles set up a Facebook fan page in the first place. Some may think it is just another gimmick for Hipster Runoff to get more readers. I don’t think that, this appears to be a genius way for Carles to flirt with cute twenty-somethings. Sure, that hasn’t happened yet, but it will. I would put $20 on it since he already does that with Twitter.

           

               People act differently as well now that they have a picture associated with their words. They could hide behind an anonymous name, spewing nonsense before this. Actually, I like seeing what the commenters looked like. I felt a bit sad since only one of my other friends ended up liking it on Facebook. Clearly she ‘gets it’ while the rest of my friends are busy reading books by Karl Marx and working on their Grad School thesis. 

                 2011 might be the year that Hipster Runoff gains some relevancy again. Lately Carles has been almost in crisis mode, constantly adding more and more to connect with him. We can call him, have him talk to us on Facebook, I wonder what’s next? Will Carles have a Skype interview? Will Carles visit your house and drink a couple of beers with you for 4 easy payments of $19.95? I’m a bit curious. He tried to charge $3000 for having him hand-deliver his shirts, and that didn't work. But he might try again, who knows.

                Right now he’s taking on the persona of a kid who just joined Facebook. He asks his followers to tag pictures of him. This is funny because not only is it impossible to tag a fan page, but no one knows at all what he looks like or where he is. He pokes fun at the oversharing on the internet by deliberately providing incorrect information. 6969 Blog Avenue is not a real address, so please do not address mail to him, as he will not be able to receive it. 

                Parts of the group worry me.  Some people are wondering if Carles spends too much on Facebook and whether or not it’ll dilute his blog further. I wonder. I ponder the effects of his writing after being exposed to so many people. Does writing suffer upon being discovered by more people, of tweaking your writing for a particular audience? Having read his early stuff, I get the distinct impression he’s going to spend 2k11 trying to find what made HRO so special in the first place.

                These gimmicks buy him some time. With each one of these gimmicks, people focus more on his online presence and perhaps less on new styles he may be trying out. Hopefully he’ll be able to coin a new genre like he did in 2K9, I’m not sure if I count “Slutwave” as a genre or as a general observation, reflecting more on the packaging rather than the actual content.

                Stay tuned for more public insecurity from Carles as he takes on new personas and perhaps changes up his style and approach yet again.

I’m missing the War

America fights many battles. Sometimes it is against itself (like that whole yawning income disparity) but we usually enjoy an external enemy. Having an external enemy allows everyone to come together and raise our fights, shaking them against whoever assails this great free land. 

                Today what I’d like to do is try to focus on some of those wars that we’re winning, some that we’re losing, and what can or cannot be done about both. Some may see this as a form of giving up, but that’s not accurate at all. We need to find out what we’re winning and losing, in order to truly retain being #1.

1.       Vending Machine War – One of the most critical places to be losing the war. Sure, we’re winning the war against healthiness (for now at least) but to lose at something so integral to who we are? Those who bring up the live bait vending machines, those are cute but fail in comparison to what some of our allies and enemies have created. Japan appears to excel at this level of weirdness, offering not only those legendary used schoolgirl panty machines but a walking and talking Coca-Cola vending machine. Gold to Go, the vending machine where you can buy gold, exists in several countries, including Germany and the U.A.E. Despite Glen Beck’s urging, these never took off here. Italy and the UK present pizza making machines (pizza is made by the machine). I understand the UK since their food is dreadful, but Italy, really? China wins with its ‘live crabs’ vending machine, which wins in so many ways. But we’ve been coming back of late, in California there is an actual vending machine for Weed, which leads to the next war.

2.       War on Christmas – Suck it Christmas! We are beating the snot out of Christmas. Santa’s down for the count and the reindeer are helping us kick him in the shins. In case you find this a tad too harsh, remember Church Lady’s sage advice: “If you move around the letters, Santa spells Satan.”

3.       War on Poverty – We are totally defeating poverty by having rich people drop twenty dollar bills as they pay for their latest Faberge egg. Middle class people help this to by dropping change as they pay for things in cash. Unfortunately, due to the large proliferation of credit cards, this trend is beginning to reverse. In that case, charities have to use the power of guilt to shock you out of your comfortable lifestyle. 

4.       War on Easter- Seen Bugs Bunny lately? Yeah, there’s a reason for that. We’re winning. Also, Warner Brothers never understood how to market these characters for generations not born in the early 40s. 

5.       War on Terrorism – That TSA agent is really into you, man. Are we winning? Can we know? Every time we ask “Are we winning the war on Terrorism” it sounds exactly like that other question “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” My opinion is that it resembles the anarchist movement of the late 19^th/early 20^th century. Basically, they will never truly go away besides by their own accord and internal strife. Sorry for giving such a negative answer on this, but I don’t think there can be a yes/no answer.

6.        War on Hipsters – Hipsters can and will never be defeated. There are a few reasons for this, most of it having to do with the Catch-22 like nature of their very existence. Every time someone gets called a hipster and says “No, I’m not” then they become one. If you decide to agree that “Yes, I am” you no longer are. You had to be there to fully understand. 

7.       War against good movies – We are definitely winning this one, via me having seen one new movie the entire year (movies I see on planes are usually at least a year old)

Hopefully this has given you some hope for America. Concerns aside, I think we’re making strides to continue our reign as the most powerful country on Earth because if you don’t think that, then the terrorists truly have won.

Breaking News: Bebe Zeva’s first feature film.

MDMA films is a film production company founded by Tao Lin and Megan Boyle. Up to this point, they had focused exclusively on themselves wandering about ingesting drugs. Usually done in one take, they offer two opportunities, one for you the viewer and the other for the production team. As a viewer, you get to learn and discover who Megan Boyle is, because I never heard of her before. Besides this obvious benefit (she is genetically pre-disposed to being adorable, a condition that she shares with Tao Lin) you learn about how writers act when on a various controlled substance. They earn the sweet money cake, and have started to do so with huge sums of money they procured from the Wall Street Journal (choosing a newspaper owned by Rupert Murdoch and increases readership, brilliant!).

                Today all of that changed. Bebe Zeva’s documentary is due out on January 11^th, 2011. For those of you not in the know, Bebe was the first Hipster Runoff girl. She wooed Carles and he responded in kind by writing articles professing how much he cared about her. While the attention she received wasn’t universally positive (some called her ‘entry-level’) it gave her the confidence needed to propel her into the blogosphere, where she currently lives.

                Now she maintains a tumblr and twitter presence. Her main focus appears to be fashion and music, and she’s been interviewed countless times over the internet. Now, by having her documentary, she can be propelled into the ‘real-life-o-sphere’. In this area, normal people may learn about her, besides those living on the bleeding edge of internet hipster culture.

                However, Tao Lin’s decision to do this may have unintended consequences. Sure, Bebe is definitely AN HRO girl, but she isn’t the only one anymore. Carles in his infinite wisdom sought new members to enhance his online brand. Now the clever and delightful Catholic School girl (riding the Catholic School wave) Allie Teilz has become a permanent fixture on the HRO circuit, in fact garnering more attention from Carles as of late. So maybe Tao Lin ought to do a documentary on Allie as well in order to remain impartial on the Bebe/Allie debate raging throughout the HRO community.

                Both of them should have their own specific documentaries on the MDMA films project. Why not? Tao and Megan appear to desperately need money, since those drugs they enthusiastically consume do not come for free. Having additional offerings to the public would not only expose Tao Lin’s work, but HRO’s work in the online hipster scene. All of these things could be easily tied together. Failing to do so may cause friction between some of the most influential figures Generation Y has produced as of now. 

                Probably the film I would most want to purchase would be the “Snacks the Cat” documentary. Carles had her crowned as the winner of the Halloween contest, yet painfully little is known about this person. Lacking any sort of online presence, she exists in that strange bizarre place known as real life. Without a tumblr or even a mere twitter, she has captivated the audience on HRO. Is she even a real person? All we know is that she is from Idaho and very meme-able. Using inferred logic, we can only conclude that she may be Mormon, since Mormons are very meme-able (via ‘Big Love’, Mitt Romney, not drinking caffeine, etc.). Her documentary would focus on how she grew up on a small cabin, pulling potatoes out of the ground and learning how to make a mean potato chip. 

                I like all three of these internet personalities and want all of them to expand their personal brand. I want all three of these people to come together, like how those transformers combined into one giant robot, to overtake the entire meme-i-verse. Certainly I hope they become BFFs in both internet and even real life. But my important question to you is what team are you on? In the space below, please choose your favorite:

1.       Team Zeva 

2.       Team Teilz

3.       Or the third party candidate, Team Snacks the Cat (She lacks the following/financial clout of the other two, hence she’s the third party.)

4.       All of the above (via the ‘not rocking the boat’ strategy)