Can a MEME run for President?

               America’s come a long way since the 1950s. Since then, we’ve become a more open society. People are more accepting of an individual’s quirks. In fact, entire movies (Rushmore) and shows (Freaks & Geeks) celebrate individuals who are unable to be easily pigeonholed. But we still have a way to go before everyone becomes truly equal.

                Of course, I’m talking about Donald Trump’s potential run for Republican nominee in 2012. He’s pretty much become a MEME everyone knows, whether or not you’re addicted to the internet. “Celebrity Apprentice” shows off his flair and brash, uncompromising attitude towards those Hollywood elites, the “Left Coast”, most people in general and so on. Transcending media, he’s inspired countless douchebags to enter the field of real estate, hence the housing crisis we’re currently facing. 

                What will it take for Donald Trump to get the nomination? Will he have to buy everyone in Iowa and New Hampshire a mid-sized luxury sedan? Perhaps that might not be enough. His name has been used as a punch-line in New York and all over the country for literally decades. New York might be the only part of the country which can tolerate his extravagant ridiculousness, the gold-plated toilet being one example. 

                Despite his obvious brashness and appallingly dreadful haircut, he does have some things going for him. For one, he’s declared bankruptcy a lot. If he becomes President, he’d probably be able to help the United States default on all its loans. Then somehow, we’d post a record profit. Honestly I doubt we’re going to be able to pay back that money. Instead we can have a ‘strategic default’ where we don’t have to go through any pain. Countries might decide not to deal with us, but that might also have to do with Donald Trump being our President.

                The world would have much warmer relations with the US as a result of a Trump presidency. France and the US would become closer due to Trump’s promiscuous habits. Most of Europe would enjoy his complete lack of any sort of religious experience and a lack of even pretending to care about religion. Eastern Europe would adore him, since nearly all his wives have been of Eastern European extraction. Finally, we’d have a first lady who had previously been a model. Our ascension into new levels of cool would be complete. 

                Donald Trump’s policy promises wouldn’t really be anything, since he’s fairly amorphous. Sadly, this might doom him in any kind of primary. At CPAC this year half the audience loved The Donald and the other half booed him. Sure, he pretends to have normal Republican views, such as Pro-Life, Anti-Gun Control, but even among these are stranger ones. Going with a libertarian bent, he claims the US should get out of Iraq and Afghanistan along with an Anti-Foreign aid position for good measure. 

                Being a MEME, he’ll be fun. That is a guarantee. Showing up for a roast on Comedy Central shows he’s in touch with the jokes people could throw at him. By now, he has literally heard whatever insult people could hurl at him. Donald has thick skin, so you can get pretty creative in mocking him nearly endlessly. Plus, all the jokes at his expense mean he oddly has name recognition.

                President Trump would be a lot of fun. First, all states would get the word “Trump” added in to increase real estate values, like “Trump Hampshire” or “Trumpchusetts”. Despite no actual improvement done other than the name addition, the single act of adding the name will improve re-sale values. Look at the various buildings he’s slapped his name onto, somehow people are willing to pay more for a building named after him. And those same people even know who he is and his appearance. Logically, it shouldn’t make sense but it works. 

                Though Trump would reject European-style health care, he’d embrace European-style partying. Suddenly, our days of being a place where people have weak parties will end. Working with both Democrats and Republicans, he’ll manage to amend the constitution mandating all parties last at least two nights at a bare minimum. His first act in office will be the inaugural ball, which will last roughly two weeks of non-stop partying. It’ll be similar to Andrew Jackson’s party, except the White House will be more destroyed. While Obama did open up the entire National Mall for the party, Trump will use all of Maryland, Virginia and North Carolina as part of his sprawling, decadent party. After Trump’s inaugural party is over, it’ll add roughly $2 billion but everyone will agree it was totally worth it.

                I don’t think Trump will win the nomination if he does run. Sadly, most people in America enjoy electing dishonest people who promise great things. Looking at Donald’s face and listening to his words, I see no evidence whatsoever of lying. Here’s a person who has no filter. Whatever he is thinking he will say. Debates would create new ways of putting people down. Putting people down is an art form for the Donald, he’s the Pollock of hurling insults onto blank faces. 

                Let’s hope he gets the nomination. After watching so many boring nominations, I want something entertaining. Ron Paul was a good start, but Mr. Trump might the logical endpoint for our hyperbolic political culture. MEME for President!

Bro-nalysis

Oh, the bro, what is he really besides an empty shell of a man acting manly to the point of self-parody?

                Well, I feel we should explore the concept of the ‘bro’ and what makes a ‘bro’ a ‘bro’. There are a lot of misconceptions about what constitutes it. People think that any old douchebag can be a ‘bro’. Bros are something beyond mere d-bags; they are an entire system, a particular genus of humans whose habits need to be carefully observed. Knowing more about their habitats can help you avoid this large, loud, drunken people. 

                At the beginning of time itself, God did a pretty excellent job of balancing everything out. Black had its white, day had its night, and hipsters had their bros. Much like good can only exist with the inclusion of evil, otherwise being good would be meaningful; a hipster can exist only as a reaction against the bro-scape. Or the bros could act as a reaction to the hipsters, un-ironically being assholes and bro-ing it up. 

                Bros come to age earlier than hipsters. Hipsters usually don’t come about until late high school/early college when they first discover The Pixies or film photography. As High School first begins, Bros hit the ground running. You might have known them before as the kid who tried too hard to fit in back in Middle School. Now, with the additional of raging hormones and a taste for douching it up, they go on to bully and pester every kid they can, anyone who looks different or may be considered ‘alternative’ or ‘hip’.

                Hip can exist only with extreme lameness. Lame is the bro Nirvana. Everything they do in life is lame. Bros don’t have any cool interests, all their interests suck. Sure, each person has guilty pleasures in life, but Bros express only the utmost joy in making every weak, pathetic interest one of their passions. That means taking pride in a sad-looking car they embarrass further by adding pointless shit to the back. Meaningless tattoos celebrating their passion for drinking or ’69-ing’ are left on their back for all to see. I wish I could say I didn’t see a 69 tattoo, but that would be a lie. Also, they keep tabs on stuff people wouldn’t even consider full-blown hobbies, like becoming specialists on the cheapest beer you can get in Kegs, or what DJ Tiesto set is the best. Truly the most inane, pointless information becomes the Bros bread and butter. 

                 Let’s start with their taste in TV. Every bro must have their TV tuned to Spike TV, MTV 2 for the Jersey Shore and other trashy programming, and the DVD box set of “The Man Show” a holy grail of a show for the bro. Other shows are intended to show off the bro’s attempt at being hip, like a box set of Adult Swim’s “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” which they pretend to understand but don’t at all. Usually this is a fig leaf they offer to anyone cool who might bother to visit them.

                Music is even worse. All of their music tastes were formed in High School, since college time was spent getting loaded off alcohol and drugs of varying degrees of hardness. Generally speaking, the bro never explores any psychedelic drugs which might make them discover who they are. Staples of the bro music diet might include such bands as:

Dave Matthews Band

Sublime

Some Ibiza Dance set from the recent past

Led Zepplin

80s Hair Metal

                Truth be told, the worst part of their diet is the fact some of their favorite bands are the favorites of non-bros (though Dave Matthews should never be consumed by a non-bro, not even ironically). But thankfully this is not the only way to distinguish them from the general population. We also have their appearance.

                Skin-tight shirts tend to be a big thing with them. Hipsters wear tight clothing, but generally stick with skin-tight pants since they can fit into them. Due to the bro diet, which consists of Taco Bell at 3am, huge amounts of beer, huge amounts of mixed drinks, huge amounts of straight alcohol and occasional food they grab at random from a local 7/11, they have a less than appealing physique. Generally speaking bros are in terrible shape, though some do actually attempt to take care of themselves. This attempt fails most of the time. Clothing then never gets upgraded as they increase in size, they figure they’ll lose weight by working out, something they really do, yet always talk about. 

                Of course, you’ll never get ambushed by them. Silence for them is highly unusual. What tends to happen is they make loud, annoying noises which counts as language for them. Oral traditions are extremely important for the bro, as it constant variations on a theme. If this sounds kind of like Bach, it is, if Bach decided to talk about that time Jake got really wasted in 18 different ways instead of creating works of art. Wasted stories are beloved by the bro, as it shows he is ‘living it up’ without having any time at all to think about what a massive failure he might be. Most of the bro stories end up with them sleeping face-first in a puddle of their own urine. Then, as they are brought to the shower to clean off, they attempt to order Chinese food. Or so I’ve heard. 

                All bros are employed, a strange event considering their utter lack of a work ethic. Usually they get fired for being a bro. Discrimination against the bro is somewhat understandable, as they are fired for coming to work late, surfing the internet during most of their day, or coming in hung-over 50% or more of the time. Either that, or distasteful jokes about a colleague get them ‘removed’ from an otherwise normal work environment. Going onto the next job, they act exactly the same way and get fired in the same way, and the process repeats itself.

                What’s worrisome about the bro is a complete lack of filter. This means they are way more emotionally unstable and vulnerable than your average human; forget the apathy of the hipster. Bros cry to each other and say how they ‘feel you’ in a near-sympathetic way. Generally speaking, don’t let them near any expensive audio equipment or automobiles during this period of vulnerability, which lasts for anywhere between 3 months and two decades. A lack of filters reveals something far worse, besides the bro bragging about how much action he gets or how drunk he got: it shows genuine intelligence that they willingly try to suppress.

                For example, as you try to make your office’s extremely sub-par coffee, the two of you will inevitably get involved in some lame conversation about some sports team you thought no one followed anymore. As you speak, he suddenly drops a reference to Rothko’s work. Staring at him, you feel uncomfortable, not realizing he possessed knowledge outside of the necessary party skills and bodily functions (usually). Best to avoid following that train of thought, the more you do, the more you realize at some point he had been a normal person before he morphed into the bro-dom.

                 But after all this, there are attempts at forging bonds between bros and hipsters, despite their aesthetic differences. Panda Bear dedicated a whole song “Bros” on his classic album Person Pitch. Bros reciprocated by retreating into their sports bars and promising never again to ever set foot in Brooklyn. So far, the peace has been held for now. 

                Someday, a long day away from now, we’ll all be friends and these hurtful words will melt away. We’ll embrace each other as friends, rather than people with poor taste in music/culture. Our differences won’t be important, as all major and minor problems will be solved. Those days is a long time away, but let’s hope we continue moving towards that beautiful sunset.