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| The expression the wearer has is not necessary, but it helps. |
Yes, you know those kids who seem to listen to the coolest bands you’ve never heard of? Well, there’s now a time machine created, allowing those very children to travel forward in time to be at the fringe of all the hippest, most relevant trends. Then they come back from the future ready to lord over all others their extensive knowledge on bands that haven’t been born. Preposterous you might say. I thought so too until I saw the future of music. Let me try to give you this rare ‘sneak peak’ into the future.
Obviously there are a few problems with forward time travel. For one, you can’t exactly go back in time because that would mess up the whole time/space continuum. Also, all those really memorable ‘I was there’ moments would go out the window, and that can’t be allowed to occur. Rather, the preferred way of doing things is to say ‘I was already here’. If back in time this happened, we’d be pretty doomed. The loft holding the Velvet Underground’s first performance wouldn’t be big enough. And after you’ve been there you can only go back from whence you came. Waiting too long will force you to live in the future forever.
Powered by an assorted amount of rare vinyl records in a Red Hook basement, this Time Machine has a few amazing talents. By seeing into the future, you could theoretically try to alter the world, but generally music snobs do too much music-related research to ever make this a serious issue. Rather, a bigger talent is the ability to purchase relevant merchandise and wear it to impress the other hip lads.
A few things happen in the future that make sense but might not seem obvious to the casual listener. I’ll explain them as best as I can.
1. In the future, Carsick Cars from Beijing, China are referred as the creators of the indie rock scene in China.
2. In the future, there are a million Jaap Blonk cover bands. Apparently in the future the only people who breed in large numbers are noise heads. They live in secluded villages in the Idaho wilderness waiting for the world to end and brew their own Kombucha. Most of them are actually really nice.
3. The world does end but the soundtrack is mostly Lady Gaga, which is a bit of a let-down. It is meant ‘ironically’ I think. Or rather, I hope.
4. Nostalgia for the 90s occurs. I was right about this. It is mostly grunge based unfortunately, but there are pockets of shoegaze and Post Rock. The most relevant city in the US becomes Auburn, Alabama which creates a band to rival Slint’s weirdness. They are called “The Okie Dookie Corral” and it consists of former Jesuit priests.
5. Detroit becomes the center for the highest level of art. It blooms and flourishes following the end of the world. The end of the world doesn’t really end the world but rather marks a new era. That era is kind of like how we live now but with more art, thin-crust pizza and a steadier supply of blog-gable MP3s.
6. After the end of the world, the genre I created “Polka-Noise” really takes off.
I’ve seen the future with my two eyes and am vaguely indifferent to what happens. Just as an FYI, if you ever decide to follow through and visit the Time Machine’s keeper, make sure to take your shoes off before you enter her house. She’s really particular about it.
After you’ve traveled forward in time, you get a free t-shirt as well. Use it wisely.