Carles needs somebody, someone like you. As Valentine’s Day approached, he realized buzzbands couldn’t warm him in these cold winter nights. Someone needed to be there, to care for him, to heart for him, and to help him become a more alternative person. Maybe Carles has become such a resident of the internet he’s forgotten how to love, and wants to learn how to experience a true human emotion. Sure, his transform into a computer helps him at Jeopardy but at the end of the day no one cares about that victory besides old people who are going to die relatively soon.
What brought this need to love again? Could it be the coming of the most artificially romantic day of the year, Valentine’s Day? Part of me wants to say no, Carles is better than that, but he probably isn’t. He’s fond of ‘getting vulnerable’ with us, so part of his vulnerability is feeling lonely, needing true IRL friends besides Tao Lin, who lives in Brooklyn anyway and can’t rock him to sleep in his arms.
Anyway, he suffered a few devastating setbacks this week. “Whoisarcadefire” a meme blog about the reaction of countless millions, ended up beating Carles to the punch about the Arcade Fire Grammy nomination. By that point, Carles realized what had happened to his blog. No longer did he have the energy to do the backbreaking Google searches required for decent meme coverage. His blog serves as ‘blog fertilizer’ in two ways:
1. it inspires bloggers to come up with new ideas.
2. Some of Carles’s articles are pieces of shit.
Below I want to introduce to some of the people who wanted to connect with Carles more than he wanted to connect with them. While they are able to put up their faces (and sometimes breasts), he remains in the shadows, unwilling to reveal himself. Maybe the success of this will lead to the ‘Hipster Runoff Dating Site’. We’ll see. I hope you learn about each one of these contestants. Note I didn’t include everybody.
1. #palmqt – Seems cute.
2. #postjuno – I wish she had a second half to her face.
3. #wedidit – possesses a lot of confidence and obvious artistic skills.
4. #chillwavebb – though she’s adorable, she’s unobtainable. Note the boyfriend taking the picture in the background. I’m sorry Carles.
5. #B&Nbabe – Personally, this might help Carles get out of his ‘text speak’ phase. Having a literature valentine might not teach him just how to heart, but also how to write.
6. #whateverQT – Her approach to Valentine’s Day as ‘whatever’ meshes well with Carles’s attitude of ‘whatever’ towards life itself.
7. #meme4evr – This is the coolest pirate eye patch I’ve ever seen.
8. #sunflower_alt_qt – Coming from the Midwest into the big city. Aw. Plus, she misspelled Valentine.
9. #Blipster_alt_breasts – What is wrong with people? I don’t get why so few voted for this obviously awesome and excellent person. She can teach Carles how to be cool again, and how to be more relevant. I heavily suggest voting for her.
10. #beminebro – We begin to look at Carles’s male gender Valentine’s Day companions. Most of who use cigarettes for some reason.
11. #rostambro – Here’s a true bro, in the best sense of the word. I heavily suggest voting for him.
12. #d8qt – I think hair covering half your face is awesome.
13. #squalorbb – Looking at her, I get a strong sense she’s a vegan and at some point lived on a commune in Northern California.
14. #carlesbian – Mixing two words together to create a new one? This is a good idea, as is the hair color.
15. #ih8peens – She’s just great. Also, ‘brojob’ might need to get added to the Urban Dictionary. Just saying.
16. #Republican_Bro – Worth millions of dollars. Lives in Florida. Buff. What are you waiting for Carles?
17. #grifter – Knowledge of Hipster Grifter meme & cute is an infinite win.
18. #pizzahutalt – I think she does a radio show too, so she probably knows more than Carles about buzzbands (via Carles mentioning the same dozen or so over and over again).
19. #buzzbitch – She’s actually really nice. She lives in New York. I live in New York. She needs a hipster boyfriend. I’ve reviewed about 150 different albums all with high degrees of obscurity. To her I say ‘Sup’. I heavily suggest voting for her.
20. #hornie4carles – Um, she mixes adorability with a look that tells me she can kick my ass if she wanted.
21. #panerabro – He lives in a better apartment than I do. To be honest, I’m jealous. In fact, he might be the most financially secure contestant. I heavily suggest voting for him.
22. #projectgirl - Mere words can’t describe how wonderful a person she has been to Beach Sloth, back when I was even less popular than I am now (a hard thing to picture, I know). I heavily suggest voting for her.
23. #wavvcoast – Being able to draw a cartoon cat is always a key skill.
24. #AliceGlassQT – A cutie.
25. #slutwaver – In her poem, she stated the importance of her ass. By the second picture, she revealed a more ‘saucy’ photo.
I wonder whether or not naming a new winner will end up like the ‘SnacksGirl’, where we get about 2-3 posts about her and she goes back to living a normal alternative existence. Or will the winner grab the spotlight and become a star. A third choice would be Carles finds ‘true love’ and settles down to become a music teacher in an affluent suburb, willing to give up the blog for the cool dad lifestyle with three adorable children.
