Movie Review: Fast Five

                ‘Fast five’ has accomplished something no other movie has: summer has moved forward to this Friday, April 26^th. Usually summer begins on June 21^st but due to the extreme hotness and anticipation of the fifth installment of the “Fast and Furious” franchise, well; let’s just say that groundhog didn’t see this coming. How could he? It was moving too quickly for him, leaving him in the dust. That groundhog didn’t even see the shadow coming. 

                The movie starts with a bang. Kid Charlemagne (Vin Diesel) is busy crafting legislation to increase the tax on ethanol in Brazil. Brazil is facing a serious budgetary gap, and may otherwise have to cut social programs to the poor. On television Kid Charlemagne tries to explain to the nation how everyone will need to sacrifice for the betterment of society. Halfway through his speech of eliminating poverty, he says “Fuck it” and chooses to steal money using really fast cars. 

                Everyone is shocked in Brazil at how the dedicated civil servant fell so far from grace. He establishes himself as the major player in an international drug cartel. Financing the underground musical movement called ‘chillwave’ he increases drug consumption in the United States by over 350% during the summer of 2009. Kid is considered a god among men, and his revolutionary spirit of financing music to take drugs to have countless impersonators. Only Kid has a leg up on them as he worked at his university as a radio DJ during the pivotal hours of 11:00pm to 1:00am on Thursday nights. No one realizes this except for a lone US Federal Agent.

                A US Federal Agent named Steely Dan (played by Dwayne Johnson) remembers those sweet jams Kid used to play. Memories flood Steely’s mind, of him and his Cousin Dupree, of his good friend Dr. Wu who wrote him prescriptions to painkillers he’s now addicted to, and of his orgies with the Babylon sisters. Knowing how tough it is to kick the habit, he hopes to at least help Kid turn back to his old ways, of helping others. Plus, he worries about stronger strains of music being unleashed, requiring even heavier drugs. 

                Driving furiously after Kid listening to jazz-rock fusion from the 70s, he fails to stop Kid’s most recent contribution to the popular music blog “The Hype Machine”. After Salem’s newest album hits the site, the site becomes nearly overwhelmed. Heavier drugs become an in-thing among the cool kids in such hip, relevant places such as Austin, New York, Portland, Chicago and Minneapolis. Tears roll down Steely’s face as he sees how absolutely strung out of his mind the lead singer of Salem is, like he doesn’t even know what’s going on or why people invited him to play at South By Southwest.

                Steely Dan is perplexed. In this role, Dwayne lived with Bill Murray for six months to get down pat the goal of being a hip older man. Then he read various hip blogs for an entire year to hone the exact language his character would use as a cool dad. Putting this together took time, and there’s a lot of screen time dedicated to Steely Dan g-chatting with his teenage son in the US, telling him to avoid purchasing wrap-around headphones. By avoiding that kind of purchase, Steely hopes his son will continue listening to music on those shitty waxy IPOD headphones and avoid the hypnotic grooves of Dubstep and Chillwave.

                Years go by as Steely Dan plans his next move. He’s trailing Kid, who grows stronger by the day. An entire team is assembled by Steely, set on destroying Kid’s influence on the young people of Brazil and the United States. This 80s throwback nostalgia stuff only makes kids want drugs even more, reminding Steely of the botched efforts he undertook in the late 80s working with the Reagan administration. 

                Finally, Steely’s team goes into action. Driving cars so insanely fast they have been banned from Germany’s famous Autobahn, they spring into action. This is the most intense chase of the movie and the longest, lasting for nearly 30 whole minutes. While we watch them drive at unreasonable speeds in the Bugatti Veyron, we get the most character development and dialogue in the entire movie. Apparently Kid had developed impotence, making him rely on ever-increasing amounts of Viagra to please his hipster wife Sue (played by Zooey Deschanel). Combining their musical taste made them an unstoppable force.

                Kid is used to being the best driver. But Steely’s excellent handling and reckless driving has him worried. Having to choose between escape or releasing the latest music fad (Post-Chillstep, a mixture of Post Rock, Chillwave and Dubstep which instantly makes the brain crave unconscionable amounts of dopamine) he chooses to live another day. While frustrated, Steely is happy to have somewhat defeated him. The movie ends with Steely abusing prescription drugs listening to Neon Indian’s “Deadbeat Summer” wondering where he goes from here. Steely looks down at his feet, mumbling ‘Bad Sneakers’ before passing out. 

                Masterfully directed by Vin Diesel, Fast Five is easily the best of the “Fast and Furious” series. The exploration of good and bad, alongside the latest musical trends, makes it a movie capturing the moment. I’d strongly urge everyone to see this, for Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnston give the performance of a lifetime.

Panda Bear – Saturday, September 11th, 2010

Months of anticipation will finally be put to rest. After purchasing these tickets long ago, I sort of forgot about them. I figured that by now Panda Bear would’ve had his album out now and that I could have become familiar with it.

Sadly, living in Portugal has dulled Panda Bear’s flair for work. Instead, we’re still hanging on a prayer that at some point Noah Lennox will get his act together and release what looks like 11 songs, based off of various “live leaks”. Now don’t get me wrong, I have enjoyed the EPs up to this point, but I did wish that we could get the same sprawling, giant tracks that adorned “Person Pitch”. Maybe those songs are in the pipeline.

Anyway, I feel like you should come out. I’d appreciate your company on that small ferry as we head into Manhattan’s last true artist colony. Then I could explain to you why so many of my posts this week have been based heavily on AM pop hits.

Nah, I’ll do that now. Basically, I focused heavily on AM pop hits because they are everywhere. They form the wallpaper music you find in any large setting, due to their generally inoffensive nature. A taco bell has it, a dentist’s office has it, and a train station has it. But I feel as we cross over that small body of water, leaving the hustle and bustle of the city, we should have one of the following artists on:

Steely Dan

The Doobie Brothers

Newer AM influenced hits:

Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti

Lovelife – 1994

My pick would be the following:

The Doobie Brothers – Open Your Eyes

Somebody should print out the following lyrics:

“Girl, as we take a long last look at this love
Before you go, I've got to know
I've got to know, was it ever true
I've got to hear it from you
Girl, I can take one more hurt in this heart
Before you go, I've got to know
I've got to know, was it ever true
I've got to hear it from you

Not like before
We were lost in a whirling dance
Never slowing down
Long enough to give truth a chance
To come out
So that the light could shine in

And open your eyes
If it's not real, there's no reason to frown
Open your eyes
Let's not let what never was bring us down

I've got to know, was it ever true
I've got to hear it from you

Not like before
We were lost in a whirling dance
Never slowing down
Long enough to give truth a chance
To come out
So that the light could shine in

And open your eyes
If it's not real, there's no reason to frown
Open your eyes
Let's not let what never was bring us down...”

So as you’re hanging around in your plaid shirt, full length skirt, moccasins, or whatever you feel like wearing, we could have a dance party. Not good dancing, but more like Peanuts quality dance moves. Look at each other, hug each other. Learn to be brothers and sisters to each other.

On a side note, I feel there needs to be a Terry Riley (You’re No Good) type remix of this song, lasting about 22 minutes with the song repeated in bits ad nausea. I feel this song has enough sections and light enough fare for such an endeavor to be effective.

See you on Saturday!

Will “Steelywave” wash over us in 2011?

Lo-fi didn’t always rule over us with a rusty iron grip. Back in the early 2000s, there was a movement towards excessive high fidelity, up to the point of almost sheer absurdity. Part of that had to do with IDM’s fascination of perfect sound, the beginning of MP3 sharing of “bedroom musicians” and the glitch movement. Bedroom musicians used to spend inordinate periods of time on their music, making sure it sounded sure of itself and fully polished. Radio still maintained a greater importance, and you could find alternative kinds of music from major stations (though it did happen mostly at night). Glitch, although supposedly focused on digital error, ended up having some very pristine, highly processed sound.

            Now that so many bands sound like “they recorded inside a bum’s ass” there’s bound to be some sort of indie rejection of what has become a norm for so many bands. Certain bands have already caught onto this, cleaning up sound that had previously been messier, like Neon Indian on that one new song, Ariel Pink on his newest album, or Nite Jewel on her new EP. Eventually these outliers will become the trendsetters, if it already hasn’t happened.

            Part of this lo-fi came from nostalgia for the “unremembered 80s” but what about the “yet to be mined for material” late 70s? And now, I’m not talking about No Wave and Punk. Punk died. No Wave may be explored, but so far precious few bands have tackled the difficult style. I’m talking about light jazz-rock fusion, you know, Steely Dan. Steely Dan, that YUPPIE band which played the YUPPIEST of music to investment bankers and other assorted rich New Yorkers, is poised to make a giant comeback.

            In terms of comeback, I don’t mean their ghoulish faces haunting your children’s nightmares, though they are legendary for being hideous people. Instead, they might decide that now, with interest in disco coming back, light jazz-rock fusion might be next.

            How do they take advantage of this? Well, they can use their extremely obnoxious sense of humor, like they did once they sent a letter to Owen Wilson about his role in “You, Me, and Dupree”. Perhaps sending a letter to Pitchfork about how hard they suck it and with rewrites of their album reviews, to make those albums look thrilling. Basically, the heavy irony they already incorporate in their day to day lives (from being assholes) will help to build a following among young people everywhere.

            Marketing will be important, so they might want to do something to be funny and get it somewhere besides their embarrassingly bad website, which looks like it was designed by your grandfather. I’d suggest crashing a party, or acting like the creepy weirdos you describe in so many of your songs. Or just write parodies of your old songs:

“Driving like a tool out to Hackensack

Snorting coke off of a hooker’s crack”

-Daddy Don’t Live in that New York City No More

            Failing this, there’s an easier way: re-edits. They’ve already been done with equally cheesy music (disco) and you don’t have to write any new songs. Get Todd Terje to come on in, and re-edit all your songs. He can even edit out those things you hate in music, like passion, emotion, and raw talent. Instead, all that will be left is your unhip sound, made hip using technology. Think of it as a facelift for music. I’m sure your old-school fans are more than familiar with the procedure.