How to Calculate Buzz

Your buzz may look a little different

                I cover a lot of bands on here. Some of them get a lot of buzz, some of them don’t. The ones that don’t I feel sad about, like most people just ‘don’t get it’. But as I dive ever deeper into this sea of sound, I’ve noticed a few things. Call them foreshadowing, call them a set-up, but they should be called something.

                Various reviewers start interviews with a said band, you can tell from the interview how enthusiastic the interviewer is about the album. Does ‘looking forward to’ get factored into to the equation. Is there even an equation in the mathematics of buzz?

                After consulting with an unemployed twenty something college-level math professor currently dating a 46 year old Vietnamese physical therapist, he helped me out. Here’s what we have as major components:

1.       Does it show improvement from their last album? If their last album was amazing, then subtract a point before it was released. Most artists don’t have an upward trajectory from amazing to amazing, there’s bound to be disappointments.  Did the last album suck? How hard did it suck? Did it suck so hard that they are in need of a revision for their next album (see Of Montreal for examples of both, via “Hissing Fauna”, “Skeletal Lamping” and “False Priest” for the full life of this)

2.       Have they done anything worthy of attention, either good or bad? Were there public breakdowns, like a ‘WAVVES’ style hissy fit in Spain? If the breakdown occurs overseas, ignore it. If it occurs within the United States, subtract 1 point (see Salem). If you created a viral video add a point (see Dan Deacon with that Cups stuff).

3.       What is the level of blogger anticipation? Did various blogs bitch about how you pushed back the release date? Anger towards various levels of teasing, subtract one point (see potentially Panda Bear). If they are thrilled about that one track you posted up, add a point (see: Twin Shadow). 

4.       Be honest: when did you first receive the leak? The larger this number is (say 3 weeks instead of 1) shows how many people were gunning to get it as soon as possible. Usually you add about 1-2 points on a (1-10) scale for this. 

5.       Any sex: If the artist is in some relationship, figure out what kind of relationship: sweet relationship add one, just recovered from a bad breakup add two, had a child add three, is single add one, got divorced minus one (see Avey Tare), is addicted to sex and seeking treatment minus one, leaked nudes add four (see Kanye West).

6.       Is the genre really hot right now: Getting on the right boat is important! No one cares about Post-Rock as much anymore, I’m sorry, it hurts me to say this, but it is true. If you’re in a hip genre add 2, unhip genre minus 1, if you’re in a genre that is about to experience a backlash in popularity minus 3. Math hurts.

7.       Where are you from: This matter a lot more than anyone’s going to tell you! But I’ll tell you. Coming from a place uniformly disliked around the country (like Las Vegas, Florida, Long Island) take away a point. Do you come from some totally random, never heard of place where no one could have an opinion, like Judith Gap, Montana or South Carolina? If so, add two points. You managed to overcome that uncool location. Cities are tricky, but generally speaking if you’re on a coastal city, add a point. From a city in the Midwest? I’m sorry, but the people who write many music reviews are from the coasts. Please remove one point from your score.

8.       How old are you: Being cool lasts only so long. If you are in your teens, add a point. If you are in your twenties, add two points. Here’s where things get interesting. Are you in your 30s? I’m sorry, but you lose a point. Getting into the middle of your life? In your 40s, minus 2 points. In your 50s, minus 3 points. But if you’re in your 60s, you usually enjoy some late career revival, whether or not it is deserved. For even making your music that late in life, add four points. Add 5 points if you’re in your 70s, but by then your music is probably really shitty and you’ll get a ‘5 point something’ for at least showing up. Think of it as winning a ‘best attendance’ award, like Max Fisher in Rushmore. 

9.       Are you related to something, someone: Related to someone lame (like Alan Thicke) remove a point. Being related to someone cool (like you roomed with Richard D. James) adds a point. Having been in another medium (either as a film maker, etc.) adds a point. Doing this ‘not for the money’ and in your spare time because you love the music, subtract a point. 

10.   Define your music: If you make experimental music, subtract two points. If you make accessible experimental music (like soothing guitar drones) add two points. You use quirky instruments: add three points.

11.   Who interviews you: A random blogger means no change. Nobody cares about random bloggers. If the New York Times interviews you, minus two points. If Pitchfork interviews you, add three points (see Toro Y Moi). If TinyMixTapes interviews you, add one point (see Sun Araw). If no one bothers interviewing you before your album comes out, minus one point.

Obviously these will help you decide how you want to brand yourself, your band and your sound before you make subjective music stuff. Keep these in mind as you hone your craft. Maybe you’ll need to move or lie about your age. Do you know anyone who could start cool rumors about you before you release a thing? Keep all things in mind as you work on your sound. I hope I’ve helped guide your band towards fame and relevancy. 

                Part two (out tomorrow) explores the actual numerical scores as offered by Pitchfork, a site for which is one half hate, one half love.

Janelle Monáe, Of Montreal

When I got there, I noticed that the guy world-renowned for scalping tickets had branched out. Despite the recession, he had hired someone else to assist him with the selling of tickets at outrageous prices. This new hire gave off a less creepy, more incompetent vibe. Like think your old dad as you try to explain to him how to delete spam from his spam folder.

            I’ve seen Janelle perform before, but this was easily the best concert she’s put on. Apparently her new album got infinitely better press than the new Of Montreal. Since I haven’t actually listened to either of their new albums, I’ll have to take the critic’s word on this, but I do plan on doing my own homework once I lay my hands on both.

            Her voice has always been the main draw with everything else as an afterthought. Initially I was skeptical about how good the performance would be, since the early concert video warned me that I would “Dance or Die” but it wasn’t an idle threat. There was some serious dancing going on, along with wholesale slaughter of the non-dancers. After the first song, I got hooked. Grooves came so easy for her band, plus she’s really worked on some of the performance. Now instead of just surfing the crowd to be cool, there were small tokens of weirdness on stage. Dancing nuns and other such pieces helped make it a bit more interesting. Obviously some of this was inspired by Kevin Barnes’ freak feasts, but it did feel original in her hands. I really need to check out her new album (or probably not that new, I just always fall behind on releases).

            Of Montreal started with much fanfare. This had to have been one of their best concerts I’ve seen since I saw them start the “Skeletal Lamping” tour in 2008. Most of the set list noticeably lacked much material from that album, instead using mostly the new stuff (of which “Like a Tourist” seems like a great track) and Hissing Fauna stuff, along with a few oldies. While doing some of the songs, they sort of zoned out and explored the hell out of the funkiness of the tracks; they did that for a few. Seeing them improvise live had to be another surprise, usually they stick with the most conservative renditions of their songs, allowing for little “loose play”.

            Stage performance art has to be sort of Kevin’s calling card. He’s known for stripping down to almost nothing and humping actors with Tiger masks. No Tiger masks were in attendance, but I did get to see a pig-woman go down on him, so that’s got to count. A big bonus was the closeness to the stage; usually I get pushed to the taking out binoculars area. It seems like they revamped a lot of the costumes, and allowed for more breaking of character. Multiple times the dancer/actor things got their costumes ripped off, to show the actual humans beneath. Plus, it looked like they moved on from some of the previous performance pieces, so this tour looks a bit more promising than the last few.

            The encore could not have been better. Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” got covered with the most delicate treatment possible. As the covers progressed, the Of Montreal crew got joined by Janelle and her band. Looking at the stage, it seemed like the end of Saturday Night Live was near, that’s how crowded it was. Plus, they all danced in some sort of near-orgy like energy. Seeing them all there, I hoped either janitorial staff would be asked up on stage, or, more selfishly, that the entire audience goes up there and grope in a fashion befitting Kevin Barnes’ likely perversion.

            What had to have been the best part of the concert was my ability to tune out the audience completely. Usually I can’t keep my head straight with the utter uselessness of the audience as they take off their clothes in heat, or how they make out with their significant other who is unreasonably older/younger than they are, or people tweaking out on drugs. I’m not saying this didn’t happen, but I feel like it was kept to a smaller section than usual.

            Overall, I enjoyed the whole thing and I really want to check out both albums. Way more energy on stage than I could possibly process. 

Skeletal Lamping, False Priest, Of Montreal, Add Yeast

Of Montreal came out with a new album False Priest this week. That means they begin the arduous touring schedule they are so well known for. Usually they try to do at least 40 stops per tour, often more. Kevin Barnes has “tour fluffers” in order to keep him in tip-top shape once he hits the stage. White ponies aren’t just going to ride themselves.

Last album got a lot of flak for being “insanely sexual”. I remember for the opening concert at the Roseland, he rode on stage almost naked riding a white horse (he got an upgrade from his usual pony). Most reviews talked about how obsessively self-indulgent the whole affair was, usually citing how many different ideas were shoved into each song. Max Tundra complained about that same criticism once he began releasing his music. It is a lazy and usually unwarranted criticism. Whatever critic uses it tends to focus exclusively on hooks and catchiness. Most of those tend to be unfamiliar with more challenging fare, and are ill-suited for such reviews. Also, I’ve noticed that a general rule of thumb tends to be voting against rather than for these hyper-active landscapes.

False Priest appears to be a different beast. Rock actually rears its ugly head through all the millions of synthesizers and various drum machines. Plus, it sounds as if Kevin has moved away from the pure joyous freak-outs of Skeletal Lamping. Of course, I need to spend more time with this album and let it grow on me. My computer frustrations could not have come at a worse time. Generally I like to be somewhat familiar with an album before just committing myself to a concert (with Panda Bear being a notable exception).

Nonetheless, I think Kevin will come out in heavy form for this. Maybe he moved away from the astronomically bizarre reaches on Skeletal Lamping since he needed to be a more normal role model for his child. I still find it weird he has a kid, and I figure that kid’s rebellion against his parents’ high weirdness will be something like becoming an actuary or something. Yes, he’ll rebel by being really boring, kind of like Ned Flanders reacted against his parents’ Beatnik lifestyle.

My only worry has to do with the venue. Terminal 5 is a dreadful, dreadful concert hall. Bringing together all the worst of large venues with the worst of small venues, it feels like the suburbs, in that ugly gray zone. Hopefully the concert itself will be good enough to overcome this almost crippling problem. Hell, LCD Soundsystem did it, but then LCD Soundsystem is amazing.

See you there everyone!