How to Calculate Buzz

Your buzz may look a little different

                I cover a lot of bands on here. Some of them get a lot of buzz, some of them don’t. The ones that don’t I feel sad about, like most people just ‘don’t get it’. But as I dive ever deeper into this sea of sound, I’ve noticed a few things. Call them foreshadowing, call them a set-up, but they should be called something.

                Various reviewers start interviews with a said band, you can tell from the interview how enthusiastic the interviewer is about the album. Does ‘looking forward to’ get factored into to the equation. Is there even an equation in the mathematics of buzz?

                After consulting with an unemployed twenty something college-level math professor currently dating a 46 year old Vietnamese physical therapist, he helped me out. Here’s what we have as major components:

1.       Does it show improvement from their last album? If their last album was amazing, then subtract a point before it was released. Most artists don’t have an upward trajectory from amazing to amazing, there’s bound to be disappointments.  Did the last album suck? How hard did it suck? Did it suck so hard that they are in need of a revision for their next album (see Of Montreal for examples of both, via “Hissing Fauna”, “Skeletal Lamping” and “False Priest” for the full life of this)

2.       Have they done anything worthy of attention, either good or bad? Were there public breakdowns, like a ‘WAVVES’ style hissy fit in Spain? If the breakdown occurs overseas, ignore it. If it occurs within the United States, subtract 1 point (see Salem). If you created a viral video add a point (see Dan Deacon with that Cups stuff).

3.       What is the level of blogger anticipation? Did various blogs bitch about how you pushed back the release date? Anger towards various levels of teasing, subtract one point (see potentially Panda Bear). If they are thrilled about that one track you posted up, add a point (see: Twin Shadow). 

4.       Be honest: when did you first receive the leak? The larger this number is (say 3 weeks instead of 1) shows how many people were gunning to get it as soon as possible. Usually you add about 1-2 points on a (1-10) scale for this. 

5.       Any sex: If the artist is in some relationship, figure out what kind of relationship: sweet relationship add one, just recovered from a bad breakup add two, had a child add three, is single add one, got divorced minus one (see Avey Tare), is addicted to sex and seeking treatment minus one, leaked nudes add four (see Kanye West).

6.       Is the genre really hot right now: Getting on the right boat is important! No one cares about Post-Rock as much anymore, I’m sorry, it hurts me to say this, but it is true. If you’re in a hip genre add 2, unhip genre minus 1, if you’re in a genre that is about to experience a backlash in popularity minus 3. Math hurts.

7.       Where are you from: This matter a lot more than anyone’s going to tell you! But I’ll tell you. Coming from a place uniformly disliked around the country (like Las Vegas, Florida, Long Island) take away a point. Do you come from some totally random, never heard of place where no one could have an opinion, like Judith Gap, Montana or South Carolina? If so, add two points. You managed to overcome that uncool location. Cities are tricky, but generally speaking if you’re on a coastal city, add a point. From a city in the Midwest? I’m sorry, but the people who write many music reviews are from the coasts. Please remove one point from your score.

8.       How old are you: Being cool lasts only so long. If you are in your teens, add a point. If you are in your twenties, add two points. Here’s where things get interesting. Are you in your 30s? I’m sorry, but you lose a point. Getting into the middle of your life? In your 40s, minus 2 points. In your 50s, minus 3 points. But if you’re in your 60s, you usually enjoy some late career revival, whether or not it is deserved. For even making your music that late in life, add four points. Add 5 points if you’re in your 70s, but by then your music is probably really shitty and you’ll get a ‘5 point something’ for at least showing up. Think of it as winning a ‘best attendance’ award, like Max Fisher in Rushmore. 

9.       Are you related to something, someone: Related to someone lame (like Alan Thicke) remove a point. Being related to someone cool (like you roomed with Richard D. James) adds a point. Having been in another medium (either as a film maker, etc.) adds a point. Doing this ‘not for the money’ and in your spare time because you love the music, subtract a point. 

10.   Define your music: If you make experimental music, subtract two points. If you make accessible experimental music (like soothing guitar drones) add two points. You use quirky instruments: add three points.

11.   Who interviews you: A random blogger means no change. Nobody cares about random bloggers. If the New York Times interviews you, minus two points. If Pitchfork interviews you, add three points (see Toro Y Moi). If TinyMixTapes interviews you, add one point (see Sun Araw). If no one bothers interviewing you before your album comes out, minus one point.

Obviously these will help you decide how you want to brand yourself, your band and your sound before you make subjective music stuff. Keep these in mind as you hone your craft. Maybe you’ll need to move or lie about your age. Do you know anyone who could start cool rumors about you before you release a thing? Keep all things in mind as you work on your sound. I hope I’ve helped guide your band towards fame and relevancy. 

                Part two (out tomorrow) explores the actual numerical scores as offered by Pitchfork, a site for which is one half hate, one half love.

Struggle of the Bedroom musician

Life is hard for the bedroom musician. Nobody respects a guy who goes up to an audience and mumbles into a microphone:

“Hi, I’m going to play songs from my laptop.”

Then for the next 45 minutes you see this guy pretend to jam out on a better laptop than the one you have at home. Of course, there’s always the chance that he’s just playing MP3s out of it as he’s winning solitaire games. Usually there’s one or two of their friends in the audience as plants. After the show they usually say what a great job the guy did nodding his head back and forth along with staring blankly at a computer monitor. 

Life is hard for these artists. It used to be acceptable to have those kinds of concerts. No longer can anyone tolerate it. You just don’t have the labels as interested. Each time a guy comes on stage with a laptop the audience groans. Only somebody like The Field, who plays decadent dance music, can get away with this. And even he included actual musicians on his second album.

Some labels like 12k, City Centre Offices, and a few others accept this as a legitimate art form. But for most, one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do. Waking up in the morning and writing MP3s just has been sort of frowned upon. Thus, you either need absolutely amazing material (Like Washed Out), or, more realistically, you need to flesh out your live sound with a full band, like what Toro Y Moi does (and should continue to do).

Besides the obvious joy of having actual friends, being a bedroom artist now carries a derogatory connotation, like you can only be bothered with this before you go to sleep or after you wake up. Heaven forbid you actually spent time on making this good. See Jandek as a bedroom artist for further evidence that there’s something a little off about it.

Plus (and this might be the most important) without those other bands members, you’ll never get sweet advertising money. Do you really think that WAVVES would be as successful if he didn’t have Mountain Dew? Of course not, he’d be living on the streets. Just like Twin Shadow is the spokesperson for Robitussin, or the Polyphonic Spree advertises for Prozac. It just makes sense, and having a creepy, lonely dude explain that to you doesn’t have the same effect. 

So if you’re going the route of bedroom musician, fine. You can write those songs in your PJs, but keep in mind at some point, if you become successful, you’ll need a group of musicians good enough to learn the songs but not good enough to actually make it on their own. Perhaps you have a music teacher friend, or a guy who does weddings. It doesn’t matter so much where they are from, but that they will propel you to another level. As you grow together, you’ll gain access to Converse’s recording label and someday use Motel 6’s warm welcome to all touring artists.

A-level doesn’t involve being alone anymore.