In New York State, there’s been a declared “Open Season” on hunting down the embarrassment of Carl Paladino. Every time he opens his mouth or does anything, he manages to offend at least one entire demographic. People hurl around the word ‘asshole’ with what appears to be pure abandon.
But my theory is he’s losing his edge to the assholes coming from behind. Maybe the bar was raised too high for how big of an asshole he could be. And now there’s the inevitable disappointment that he isn’t as awful as people would like him to be.
“He used to be all about the bestiality porn” recalls a high school friend wistfully. “I mean, I remember how happy he was that he finally found some broad he could pay to bang his horse. Back then he cared about something. Now Paladino says stuff like ‘Meh, I see how that could be seen as offensive’. Really he used to be better at offending people’s sense of decency. What happen to you Carl? You used to be all about the laughs.”
What happened to you Carl? Did you suddenly go soft and decide to become a decent person, because in that competition you’re not even close. At least as an asshole you are heading up the pack. Plus, you even apologized to “the ladies” for the content of those emails. Old Paladino would’ve said something like “I’m in the construction business; I’m supposed to be a complete jerk”, which would have then discouraged the construction worker demographic from voting for him.
Carl’s high school friends aren’t the only ones complaining. Rabbi Yehuda Levin disowned him as well, for “folding like a cheap camera” since Rabbi Levin’s followers are still old enough to realize that’s an insult. That wasn’t all. Like Carl’s friend, he pined for the old Carl, the one who spoke from his cruel shriveled ‘heart’
The news hit Rabbi Levin hard. “Paladino became gay!” someone shouted at him. As someone said this to him, he “almost choked on the kosher salami.” So instead he waxed nostalgic about him.
“Oh Paladino, I miss the old homophobic version of you. Please come back. We’ll leave a light on for you.” Rabbi Levin thus knew that maybe Paladino could find his old ways once again and rejoin the group of proud jerks he called his “base”.
Other parts of Paladino’s nasty campaign continue unabated. For one, he continues to support putting poor people into stockades, saying “that would be the kind thing to do”. So he hasn’t gone completely soft. They would be called the “Dignity Corps” since unemployed youth would be in these pleasant work camps. Paladino follows this path unabated and unaware of how callous a human being he is.
He’s even toned down his legendary obnoxious website. The previous all caps lock style has been changed, so it seems less yelling, and more reasonable. What’s happening to Carl, he used to be all about yelling and outrage. I guess he just wants to look less like the lunatic he truly is.
Go back to being a jerk Paladino. Talking about lowering taxes is boring, we’d like to hear more about those emails, those affairs you had, and how much joy you take in offending others.
PS. In case you wonder whether or not you’re a decent human being, count up all the times people have tweeted the following to you:
@carlpaladino: You’re a great man
Most likely you’ve seen much more of the following:
@carlpaladino: You’re a worthless human being