Back in the late 80s/early 90s, a magical thing occurred in the UK. The second summer of love came. Pasty English boys and girls became pasty English men and women. Electronic music ruled the airwaves, and even the sun visited this light starved land. Rave followed like sonic milk and honey to those fed mediocre punk rock for too long.
Halfway across the world, a particular group of people weren’t enjoying the fun. Commonly referred to as Mormons, they roast in the hot desert sun. Stores close after 5pm there, and they make the Amish look like fun-loving people. Little of the rave scene reached those people starved for culture. Some wondered when they’d have fun. That’s when Utah Saints came.
As foretold on golden plates, a band would come along. This band would preach to the world the joys of giving up caffeine and producing litters’ worth of children. Joseph Smith knew that this band would come from the UK, since America’s dance music infrastructure remained too weak to handle it, especially in outlying areas outside of Chicago and New York.
Utah Saints consists of Jez Willis and Tim Garbutt. Together they descended on Salt Lake City from a giant zeppelin, set to spread cheer amongst the sad townsfolk. “I just know that something good is going to happen” the speakers blared to the people below. Eventually they convinced the entire state that they should have some sort of statewide dance party. Instead of people being given the requisite drugs, they got their party on by eating white bread and drinking orange juice. For if you give up your ideals then what do you really have. Plus the dance parties ended at sundown.
One of those dancing in the street ended up doing great things. A well-groomed, articulate young man called Mitt Romney remembered those heroic zeppelin dwelling Englishmen. Once he got to Massachusetts, he looped that song on his IPOD as he signed into law state-wide health care. People adored him for it, although he eventually was accused of “spreading joy” by his own political peers’ years later. Even channeling the good vibrations from early 90s rave via his haircut couldn’t save poor Romney against his ideological foe Rudy Giuliani. Instead, he was reduced to insulting Rudy’s inability to know how many illegal immigrants worked on his vast estate. Rudy curtly replied that his lands were so vast that he couldn’t keep track of the thousands who worked keeping the hedges neatly trimmed.
Anyway, now rave is dead, but it is important to note how Utah Saints existed exclusively for Utah. No other state got so much attention from the English rave community, not even Idaho. For a brief moment, it felt like Utah might have been able to enjoy the fruits of modern life like birth control. Sadly, that never occurred. Those sprawling suburbs will forever remember that great shining zeppelin in the sky, which let them know that something good is better.